How do you know for sure that spliting up is the right thing to do?

[flippingstupidnickname]

Just that really. What was it that made you realise you'd be better off alone? How bad did it have to get for you to be sure?

Sometimes we get so stuck in life/in a relationship, we HAVE to do something just to move forward. And you will make it the right decision afterwards, even if you're not sure at the time, you will be when you put your new life together :)

Good luck.

I knew when I realised if I was ill or something awful happened I couldn't depend on him.

I just reckon you need to ask yourself, "does he enhance my life?" If not, you are definitely better off alone.
Hope you're ok?

Thanks for the replies.

The trouble is that my H is not abusive or horrible. We just don't get along. It's as much me as him.

Interesting question about enhancing my life. In some ways yes but in others he adds to the stress and brings out the worst in me.

10 years ago I adored him and would do anything for him. This has never really been reciprocated and now I resent him and have no respect for him. I find myself behaving in a way towards him that I would never have dreamed of in the past and I hate myself for it. We're pretty horrible to each other really.

If there were no children involved we would have parted a while ago now. The trouble is that he enhances their lives and I can't bare to be the one responsible for splitting up our family and shattering their lives

Hmm, just trying to actually think of ways he enhances my life and really the thing I like about 'us' is just the company more than anything... someone to watch TV with in the eveing. God, that's pathetic isn't it?!

Have you talked to him at all about how you feel the relationship is? If he feels the same way then maybe you either need some relate counselling, or at least discuss together whether you want to stay together, and if so what you can both do to make it better?

Pickgo, SNAP!

My STBXH did nothing at all to make my life any easier. I had a bad ear infection that I was hospitalised for and he created merry hell (didn't take the kids to school as he didn't know where their uniforms were or what to put in their lunchboxes apparantly...), he palmed the kids off on my friends and when I came out he still didn't help me; I was taking Tramadol and still just fucked off to work.

Thanks innerstrength, it helps to 'talk'

Yes, we've discussed it all time and time again. We looked in to counselling last time but it was looking to be about £500 - money we would desperatley need if we were going to be going our separate ways.

TBH I'm not even sure I want counselling - I've come to realise that we can never be what the other wants. It's not just behaviour that needs to change but attitudes and feelings. My feelings of discontent are built upon the fact that he has never loved me back the way that I loved him to begin with. It's so fundamental I don't believe any amount of counselling will change that.

In fact, we've both changed our behaviours in the past but we repeatedly end up back in this state despite the changes. We're both so tired from this destructive cycle and I feel that counselling would just be an expensive way of protracting yet more cycles of the same.

I really just don't like him any more and I'm certain he feels the same way about me however neither of us wants to be responsible for breaking apart the family.

Really, I think my mind is made up that I don't want to be with him anymore. He's always been the one wanting to stick it out but this is down to the fact he wouldn't want the 'stigma' of separating, I really don't feel that it's becuase he wants me.

I think that's part of the reason my behaviour has deteriorated towards him - I'm subconsciously hoping he'll be the one to make the decision. That admission alone makes me see what a terrible, terrible person I've become, I never used to be like this.

Sorry for going on, I clearly needed to offload!

Could you do the trial seperation thing? I wasn't sure about leaving my DP of 8 years until I did it, and then it was the best think I ever did!

saggyhairyarse (love the name BTW!) That sounds a bit like my H - he would NEVER take time off work to help me if I was ill - even if I was bedbound and had to look after the kids...

He even went on a lads' weekend less than 48hrs after I'd had surgery and left me to look after two 2 year olds...

That's the type of thing I mean when I say I've felt he has never loved me the way I loved him. I would never want him to have to suffer like that. I loved looking after him at one point; loved going out of my way to make him happy but it was never reciprocated...

Uglymush - That's not a bad idea. How did you make that work practically? Were there any kids involved?

You could look at it like this: he has destroyed your love and respect for him by failing to live by his marital promise to care for you and prioritise you. It is his actions that have destroyed your marriage. Just because you are the person with the guts to make the break doesn't mean you are the one who has destroyed the marriage.

No kids involved just a pet rabbit. Sorry my post wasn't too clear I didn't do the seperation just made a clean break. Although we had to live together for 3 months after due to the house and money. So I am sure if i had changed my mind we could have sorted it out (if that's not too big headed - it isn't meant to be) During that 3 months though I realised it was the best thing I had ever done and wish I had done it years earlier

As someone who split up with their H 6 months ago (at his instigation although I know that it was probably the right thing) I worried a lot about the children but they see him more than they used to and they really do seem fine.

I have been realising many ways in which H didn't really seem to care about me - things like taking time off work if I needed him didn't happen and overall we became strangers in the same house really. Although I am still pretty sad sometimes it isn't as bad as I was dreading.