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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help - urgent help needed for a close friend

13 replies

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 30/10/2011 10:25

Hi all - am typing really quickly so forgive any typos.
My friend has been punched in the face and pinned down by her partner while he screamed at her. After this smashed up the room. This happened last night. My friend ran out the house, called the police and they arrested him. He has now been bailed - to his dad's address (his mum wouldn't have him) and is not allowed contact with my friend. He can only pick up his stuff with police escort.

Please, please can anyone tell me what will happen next? My friend keeps saying she wishes she hadn't called the police, etc etc and if they ask her if she wants to press charges I think she will say no. I'm gonig round in circles trying to help her but don't know what to do. He is AWFUL this guy - abusive in every possible way, but this is the first time it's got physical. Can they prosecute without her say so? He has admitted punching her. Any advice really gratefully received.

OP posts:
catsareevil · 30/10/2011 10:28

They can prosecute whether she wants to or not, it isnt up to her as such. However she will be a key witness, and if they cant rely on her then that might damage the case to a point where it isnt worth proceeding.

queenebay · 30/10/2011 10:30

Same thing happned to someone i know. He was released on bail before he eventually did 6 months for it. Dont think it matters if she presses charges or not-if the police think he did it and have evidence then he will serve time for it.
Why on earth do people put up with that. My friend took her partner back and they live all happy and cosy until the next time when he says sorry and he never meant it and she then takes him back again.
Hang him from his testicles is the answer!

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 30/10/2011 10:31

Damn, catsareevil, I am certain there were no other witnesses. I am so angry on behalf of my mate - she keeps saying "Why did I go out?" "Why did I say XYZ?" etc.
I HATE this man - he earns a massive salary, the vast majority of it going on his drink and coke binges. He constantly reminds her she's spending HIS money, goes on about the house being a shithole but doesn't lift a finger.
I just know she is going to stay with him and it will happen again and again. GODDDDDDDDDD!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 30/10/2011 10:32

queenebay - I agree. Can I ask - does it make a difference if the man has been in prison before, for things such as assault and drunk driving?

OP posts:
nothaunted · 30/10/2011 10:58

Take a look at WA site for advice on supporting someone in this situation.
Re what happens next it is the CPS who decide to prosecute the case if your friend withdraws charges. They look at what evidence there is and then will be the ones to take it further or not. If she withdraws, for whatever reason, then she can get summoned as a witness and will get a summons and face charge if she refuses to go. Not a great situation. It does sound as though coke and drink have something to do with this and the if only I had done or not done x or y is perfectly natural. No one ever wishes to be in this situation and hope/love is a very funny creature.
Being there and letting you know you will be there for her is really great.

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 30/10/2011 11:40

Thanks nothaunted - I'm looking now. And thanks for the advice re: the legal side of things. I am doing my best tobe supportive, but I just want to scream "DON'T FUCKING TAKE HIM BACK!!!" If he gets away with this, it WILL happen again - what if her kids are there next time?

The trouble is (sorry, rant coming) this CRAP, BACKWARDS town we live in hold these pub-dwelling losers up as local "characters" - who are allowed to go through life hurting, abusing, drug-taking, drug-selling, drink-driving, etc. and it's all ok. The women who are on the end of this shit are just collateral damage - "local slags." I'm an outsider to this town, and this is honestly how things are. Sorry - rant over.

I would bet a thousand pounds this bloke is in the pub right now slagging my friend off and explaining how he'll get back back in her good books.

OP posts:
EEEEKinthebeeswax · 30/10/2011 11:45

Sounds like Liversedge.

There are many similarities. The men here are "Characters" too.

Sexist and selfish.

Its very old fashioned,

ChippingInAutumnLover · 30/10/2011 11:55

I think you need to have a stern word with her about it all, tbh. Ask her if this is what she wants for her kids.

Is there anyway you could both move away from there?

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 30/10/2011 12:16

A stern word is what I do want to do, but it seems inappropriate somehow. Fortunately I've spoken to another friend who's not a cowardly as me and has given her a good lecture regarding the kids' wellbeing.

I won't move as am really, really happy in my job and hope to progress over the next four or five years. Also, I now just try and keep my life seperate from the dicks. (Aware that makes me sound a snob, but after a turbulent couple of years here, I am a firm believer in the phrase, "if you lie down with dogs, you get fleas.")

My friend is born and bred here, but has lived abroad and had a fantastic time. This is why it hurts to see her so crushed and down-trodden when I KNOW her former self would have walked out the second his hand raised.

The twat has been bailed but is not allowed contact. Can only get his stuff under police supervision. Police have been round to check on my friend and tell her they can continue even if she doesn't want to press charges. I have told her this shows how seriously they take this kind of thing, but she is still blaming herself. :-(

OP posts:
Selks · 30/10/2011 12:24

If she has children you should point out to her in no uncertain terms that if she goes back to this man and there is further violence it is probable that social services will get involved. They take the issue of children living with domestic violence very seriously these days, particularly if they see the woman not making moves to separate herself from it. They may even see it as a child protection issue.
Please get her to understand the serious effects of DV on children who have to live with it....and does she want this to be the life her children have to lead? Get her to read this -
this one
and this

Good luck

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 30/10/2011 19:48

She has taken the manipulative bastard back! I don;t know what to say to her. She text me thanking me for being a good mate, but he's back home (despite bail conditions saying he must NOT contact her OR be at their home!!!) and that he;s admitted he has a drink problem and will seek help.

I want to say so much, but know it wont make a difference. also, if he's there I don't want him reading what I might say - which he's done before.

I am SO angry and upset - cannot do anything though, can I?? Can't believe she's helping him break his bail conditions though!

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 30/10/2011 21:35

Phone the police - tell them he's breaking his bail conditions and get in as much as you can about how nasty he is before they say they can't take your word for any of it.... it's what I'd do.

Seabright · 30/10/2011 21:57

Agree, call the non-emergency number. Where are their children?

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