What is going on in our relationship?

[Faffalina]

My partner keeps on at me about small things, like asking me why I have kept 4 magazines in a drawer instead of throwing them away (!), and when I defend myself he blows up, acting hostile and aggressive and telling me to move out (he is not violent to me, or anyone else).

Then he will ignore me for days, saying that I am the one in the wrong and I should apologise. He changes what I said, making it worse, and calls me a liar when I deny saying those things.

This has happened a few times this year and I feel quite anxious and stressed as we have a baby, and also because my ex-h was controlling and I am scared things are going the same way. We have been together for five years and I think he's been worse since I stopped working to look after our baby.

Any advice appreciated.

This sounds like a sort of controlling, almost deviously abusive behaviour to me.

OR Perhaps he is just stressed and the little things is an excuse to vent?

Thanks... Yes he's stressed with work etc, but to me it's not good enough. Does he think there's no stress in my days (and nights, up with our daughter)?

Is it cos you are not working away from home.It could make him jealous,resentfull,power crazy,worried about money and any number of things.

It sounds like mainly a communication problem.Ask him outright why he is being like this and tell him how it is making you feel.

It doesn't sound to me like a communication problem, it sounds like your partner is a controlling, over-bearing man with no respect for your feelings. If he is telling you to move out (you don't have to) he is telling you that the relationship is over and he doesn't want you any more.

My love, it really doesn't matter what we think is going on in your relationship. It only matters what YOU think.

We can pretty much ALL tell you that it's ABUSE (and from here, I fail to see how anyone could say otherwise) but the only person that matters in all this is YOU.

I can name each and every form/method of abuse this guy is using on you, if you like, but it really won't matter a jot till YOU see it for what it is.

When you're ready, you'll see what's really going on.

Can I suggest that you buy Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft?

((((((Hugs)))))))

I'm sorry to say this but it's not going to get any better. What you have to do is this - ignore him back. Don't break. Don't move out. Just ignore him for as long as it takes until he becomes reasonable again. Don't ever engage with him on these stupid nitpicking excuses for an argument. Just talk to your baby instead. Love your baby, not that fucking bastard who is treating you like this because you're in the home and powerless. You're the one who'll end up with love in your life, not him.

it sounds horrible.

In a normal relationship you should be able to tell him how it feels and he should listen and discuss and sort things out. Yelling and threatening to throw you out is not normal behaviour.

It sounds like abusive behaviour to me. My exH once screamed at me for half an hour because I was carrying tampons in my handbag and I wasn't on my period. One of many reasons I divorced him.

Good luck OP (((hugs))) You and your wee baby don't deserve this kind of treatment. Have you thought of calling Women's Aid for advice?

HerScaryness how bizarre... I bought that book about 8 years ago when I was with my ex-h. Wish I had kept it! Didn't see myself needing to read it again.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Just to pull ONE clear sign of abuse out, that warrants the clickety click click click to Amazon is the NOT SPEAKING to you.

Please, you need that book. This relationship is abusive too love.

I'm so sorry. Did you trade a category 9 abuser for a category 6?

Argh I can't remember the types! Ex was verbal abuse, name-calling mixed with occasional violence...

OK, back to basics then for you young lady!

Here is your OP and I'll identify the ways you are being subjected to abuse. OK?

My partner keeps on at me about small things, like asking me why I have kept 4 magazines in a drawer instead of throwing them away (!), and when I defend myself he blows up, acting hostile and aggressive and telling me to move out (he is not violent to me, or anyone else).

He is threatening you, The BULLY with a touch of the PERSUADER in the Freedom Programme

Then he will ignore me for days, saying that I am the one in the wrong and I should apologise. He changes what I said, making it worse, and calls me a liar when I deny saying those things.

He's gaslighting you, telling you have done/said things you clearly haven't The BULLY with a touch of HEADWORKER

This has happened a few times this year and I feel quite anxious and stressed as we have a baby, and also because my ex-h was controlling and I am scared things are going the same way. We have been together for five years and I think he's been worse since I stopped working to look after our baby.

The JAILER

Things ARE the same as your EX. Sorry but they are.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/resources.php will show you what I mean.

You need to get away from this one too.

Can I suggest you enrol in the Freedom Programme? It'll help you recognise the signs and help you protect yourself from being attracted to or falling victim of another abuser.

Remember that this is NOTHING you did. These men CHOSE to target you. You were vulnerable. The freedom programme can close down that vilnerability.

By category, what I mean is that even if you left your ExH who was violent and abusive, and are now with a man who is abusive, but doesn't use violence, it's not an improvement.

An abuser is an abuser, whether he hits or not.

I'm minded that emotional abuse is actually harder to recover from than physical abuse.

Thanks for the info Hissy