I am totally confused and depressed. I need some help. I am 38yrs and want a baby but I am not sure I love my OH. We are not married. I had Pelvic inflammatory disease in my 20's so have one blocked tube. We have been trying for a year and have been recommended IVF. It's very expensive and I will have to pay for all of it (10,000-30,000). All the tests we have had so far I have paid for. He works all the time 6 days a week and two nights till 8pm -his work hours are ridiculous and he makes very little money. Has to borrow money from me at the end of the month. He rarely buys food, etc. He has debts, lots of things he hasn't paid in the past. We went to open a joint account but the bank refused to open an account with him! because of debt. I thought we could make future plans- have a baby buy a house. Now with infertility, no credit on his side I have lost enthusiasm for the future. I have nothing to look forward to.
He shouts often and we argue often. I shout now too. I have to stick up for myself. He actually said one time he doesn't like me reading books and getting ideas! I have a degree in English Literature, it's a bit late. I am not working at the moment and moping about the house sleeping a lot. I came into some money lately so I don't have to work at the moment. But it's not good for me moping in the house. I want to move away to a more exciting city, I live in small city and want to move somewhere more vibrant. I have lived abroad for years but came back home as my mum had a stroke and my Dad died. I feel tied to stay here so I can visit my mum in a home. She has had another two strokes. She may not live much longer or she may live 5 years nobody knows. If I moved away I could visit her every month. She doesn't remember if I saw her yesterday or a month ago. She is brain damaged. She is happy to see me when I visit.
I have no life at the moment, I am not sure when it all stopped and if it is my fault. I don't like his family. His sister and her husband especially, they like give evil looks if I am speaking or if they think I might say something they don't like. He gives these looks too, his whole family does. We don't go out or see any of his friends. I don't have many friends here as I haven't lived here since I was 17, many years ago. He has always lived here. Totally different life experiences.
I don't feel very attracted to him sexually, we haven't had sex for a month after I had an operation hysteroscopy, and sex wasn't allowed incase of infection. Sex with him is not satisfiying to me. Kisses are rubbish. I am totally lost. I want to have a baby and don't see myself finding someone in the next 6 months before I am 39 who would like to embarque on IVF with me. He is not perfect and neither am I. He says he loves me totally but I am not sure I feel that way about him anymore. He wants to fix things tonight have a chat. I have known there was problems, but have put it to the back of my mind, in pursuit of a baby. I have thought perhaps I could adopt on my own. If I leave him I will be totally alone. Most likely will never have my own child etc. If I leave I will also be totally alone and don't know where I would go. Maybe things will get better and I not sure if my hormones and mood are messed up with estrogen and progesterone pills I was taking after the op. But I think these are real feelings. What a mess.