Falling out with my sister... what do I do now.?

[Shhhh]

Various factors saw us having a heated argument via text around 4 months ago, given the fact that she was around 4/5 months pregnant I text to apologise for the argument as it possibly wasn't the right time although inwardly I don't regret what was said, it was 20+ years of niggling that exploded I guess.

BTW I did try to call her home phone and mobile but the call was ignored unanswered.

Since then its been dh & I's wedding anniversary, last christmas she told us she wasn't giving christmas gifts (just for the dk's) YET on our anniversary sent us a £25 cheque. I never cashed it BUT sent a text on the day thanking her. I still heard nothing back.

She lives a 9hr drive away and mum visited her 2 months ago, during her stay my sister brought up our argument, was in floods of tears and told mum the whole argument was around the fact that I said she wasn't wanted as a baby shock. Not words that came from my mouth...

so.......... the week she was due (having a CS) I sent a card, just from me. Saying I hope all went well with the birth and I looked forward to a dn/n.

Nothing...........

She had the baby.......... I got told from my mum NOT my sister or her dh . Mum asked her dh to let me know about the baby.......... its now 10 days on and im still waiting.

I sent a card to say congratulations........ nothing

I sent flowers (in fact flowers she had in her wedding bouquet= thoughtful) nothing.............

Mum has spoken to her, says she wants an apology from me.

TBH, I apologised for raising the argument when I did BUT what I said was the truth and my feelings.. well my feelings from the last 20 years.

WWYD now.?

A lot has happened with me sister we fell out, I have suffered a 3rd mc following anxiety of finding out I was expecting dc 3 (long story). I having x2 monthly councelling, ds also started school so I am going through a bad time atm, a time I guess when I would liked to have turned things around with my sister iykwim.

I feel I have offered not only an olive branch but a tree .

I need to move on and I need to know what is the best option. Do I walk away from her OR do I send a letter saying I have tried to work around things but its hard when its one sided and that there wont be an apology as she has hurt me over the years..?

Saddens me that her baby is my first chance at being an aunt and I won't get the chance to see baby (possibly). We won't ever have a close relationship, she made sure of that when she moved so far away but she is also my only sister.. I don't want to go through life like this. BUT I will if I have to.

Dd (6) and ds (4) have heard nothing either.......... she is ds's godparent and part of me thought him starting school would result in her at least contacting him and dd....

Can I add, I want to send the baby a gift.. I always intended to BUT the fact my sister won't acknowledge me possibly changes things.. do I send a gift for the baby or leave it..?
Personally I want to, don't want baby to grow up and years later think I ignored its arrival... YET I don't want to mither where obviously im not wanted. Dh is also thinking of contacting my sister dh to try and resolve things that route...

OMG,sorry its sooooooooooooooooo long.

Why does she think that you said she wasn't wanted as a child? I can understand her being upset if you did say that or hint it.

Well I doubt this is a good time to try and resolve it, she is probably hormonal, exhausted and overwhelmed.

Perhaps you could actually write a proper apology???? I am sorry that I have upset you, I am sorry that you think I said x y z I can understand why that has hurt your feelings. I would like to resolve this situation please get in touch when you are up to it?

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she's probably completely wrapped up in the new baby thing at the moment. I doubts she's slept for a couple of weeks, and she may have found the birth traumatic and be struggling with that.

If you want to make a last effort, send a card with an apology (for upsetting her, if you don't feel the need to apologise for what was said) and give it to someone you trust - Mum? - to deliver by hand. Then leave her to reply when she's ready.

Oh, and make sure your apology is sincere; from your post it sounds like you're apologising because you think you should, not because of your behaviour? Obviously I don't know who is right and who wrong, but you can guarantee that she thinks you were totally out of line to say what you did, and that you are a complete cowbag

Yes, the last thing you want is for her to suffer PND - quite likely if she feels she wasn't wanted as a child.

Why not just make things easy. Write a letter saying how sorry you are for upsetting her. Tell her you miss her and love her and that you wish she would call you.

Did you have problems with her before this incident?

Can I add and point out that I NEVER SAID SHE WAS NOT WANTED AS A CHILD. It was never the case and from what mum says they tried for years to have her and she was very much wanted.

Any feelings she has towards that are not from me.... yet can I give you a little suggestion that she never wanted children... was never the maternal type.. never wanted to discuss this pregnancy, never wanted help or assistance which is fair enough BUT the argument happened when I called her, started by asking how she was and she jumped down my throat about how she was pregnant and not ill and that she was tired of people discussing her..! not the case at all.

We have never been close but got on to a point. I would visit her when she was more local, we skyp'd each other sent cards etc and tbh it was her who was the type to send you a get well card for a paper cut YET never wanted the same back iykiwm.

My problems were about and yes a kids she was awful to me... various things that I out down to siblings but now I look at it and think she was awful.

I was chubby as a child, I have overheard her friends calling me fat yet she never stood up for me. She was bullied, I tried my best, 3 yrs younger than her to support her.

She wouldn't be a bridesmaid, wouldn;t come on my hen parties (abroard and local) dispite me offering to pay/lend her money.

She turned up to my wedding and as soon as the evening reception started went and changed into jeans.

Anything she could do to be different then she would she wouldn't conform for a moment.

YET when dd and ds was born she was visiting within hours.. she text me every day while pregnant asking how i was, buying various things YET when she was expoecting and I sent pamper stuff she called me asking me not to do it again. It was un needed.

Yes, I guess I could apologise BUT I have done this once, via text and tried by phone only to be ignored. I also don't feel I need to apologise. YES I said hurtful things BUT things that happened, things that my parents seemed to brush under the carpet. I want to move on from this BUT I don't feel I should and need to apologise any more. My only apology would be for possibly bringing it up at the wrong time YET imo it was needed.

What I was trying to say is that she "heard" she wasn't wanted, not that you said it.

Yes you have apologised and again she hasn't "heard" it.

However what you are typing comes across that your apology wasn't genuine because you didn't mean it. It sounds like your sis has some big issues, some perhaps you aren't aware of????

All I can think is that you appeal to her, that you are sorry that what you said has hurt her so much and that you miss her and want to restore your relationship.

The fact that she has misinterpreted what was said is in some ways irrelevant IMHO. If you could go back in time would you keep your mouth shut?

She sounds a lot like a friend of mine who has recently become a Mum. She didn't think she could have children, got used to the idea, then had a (now very much loved) accident.

She was very touchy about the whole thing up until about 7 months pg, I know this because she has since told me that I was one of the people she felt she could be touchy to - she trusts me to still be her friend.

Your sister sounds like she might be jealous of you, perhaps you find easy things that she struggles with. She also sounds determined to be seen as strong, independant and in control of everything; getting pregnant by accident means admitting that she's not. Does she have anxiety problems?

If she's determined to fall out, you'll have to accept her decision. Probably worth confiding in your Mum, though, for the sake of family harmony - I would not be happy to have people thinking stuff like that about me!

purplewere.. what do you mean "I would not be happy to have people thinking stuff like that about me!"..?

I have confided in my mum and in fact mum and I are quite close, mum did for a moment believe that I had said about not being wanted when my sister told her BUT since spoke to me and believes it was made up. Honestly I said other things but not that...

I don't think the pregnancy was an accident but not her choice iykwim. This is just from what I can see iykiwm.
BUT part of what you say is what I have been thinking. I think she is jealous of my relationship with mum.. YET she choose to move out of the home at 18 and to never return.

I guess it is her decision but its just knowing what to do for the best as in my heart I don't really want to never speak to my sister again, dispite what has happened she is my bllod relative and I guess I want to know she is there and vice versa.

Randommess, that makes sense.. I think what you suggest is spot on. I don't regret what was said yet I don't like the fact its caused such a rift and I want to mend that patch.
Obviosuly this is causing issues with my parents, mum inparticular and as I have told her I have done all I can and there isn't much more I can do if he won't acknowledge me.

I don't feel I should grovel or apologise for everything as she is as much to blame for stuff over the years and maybe not just the last 4 months if that makes sense BUT I will apologise for the rift happening as it did.

I think she may already have depression.. possibly in pregnancy. She was so against everything and everyone and I guess I couldn't bite my lip.

btw,no idea what she heard she wasn't wanted... But I guess maybe she means that she probably didn't feel part of the family.. AND as a member of the family I can't see where or why. IMO she went against everything and everyone. Her choice.

tbh, it speaks volumes when she dictates to my parents when they can make their first visit to the baby.. when its 2 weeks old.

my mum was a eager to see the baby as she was to see my 2. AND like my sister was when she saw dd aged 3 hours old..

I wonder if in her mind you were the "golden child" and she cast herself into a different role of the unwanted and she subconsciously seeks anything to reaffirm her belief.

I'm a 2nd born and always though my older db was the golden child but he thought that of me!!! I do think the eldest child gets a rougher ride in life as you are effectively experimenting your parenting skills on them!

It sounds like the real issue is between your sis and your parents but falling out with you is a way of avoiding addressing the core of the problem and instead focusing on the peripherals?

If you had an unhappy childhood and felt let down by your parents becoming a parent yourself magnifies the whole sitation. Perhaps this is why she didn't want dc of her own?

Sorry, I meant I wouldn't be happy to have my wider family thinking I had told my (mythical) siblling that they weren't wanted. As I don't have siblings, I have to generalise to find something that works for my situation...

You know what she's like. Your Mum knows what she's like. She probably needs to feel in control, which as you know isn't likely when you have a newborn! Put the ball in her court; do an unequivocal apology for upsetting her, wish her well and let her know that you're around when she wants you.

thanks RM and PW. Both makes sense.

Yes, I think maybe she feels she didn't have a good upbringing for whatever reasons.. yet the 3 of us here don't seem to have fallen out so guess maybe shows where the problem is.

Yes, she probley feels I was the golden child which is a shame as she is much loved by us all.

So... the final thing I need to know... do I send a gift to the baby..? Cards have gone and flowers to them all BUT do I send a gift for baby. Although, tbh I always would have got a gift but would have passed it on when I saw them face to face. Things have turned out differently.. so do I want until/if I see them or post something..?

Pop some vouchers in with the card for Mamas&Papas or Babies R Us, perhaps - again, give her the control. You wish to buy a gift, but she gets to choose what she's given...

good idea.. I also wanted to buy something for baby to keep. A teddy prehaps (in fact I have seen one at laura ashley ).. Yes..? No..?

Could it be that she was frightened she would miscarry or lose her baby and by you asking her how she was made her more frightened (sorry have only skim read, others may ave already said this)

I would send a gift for now, and when she has recovered after the birth, maybe in a few months, write and say how you hate not being in contact, that you are sorry if you said things that upset her (leaves the onus on her reaction to what was said, not what was said)

Texts can lead to misunderstanding as they lack emotion, could you visit after the letter?

No reason you can't buy it and keep it at your house, hopefully by Christmas you'll have this all resolved. Or, in the worst case scenario, you could keep it at your Mum's house for the baby to play with when he/she visits.

thing is she lives the other end of the country.. about a 9 hr drive away so to send a letter then visit is not an option atm... I would honestly say that she is the type to close the door in my face.

Thinking about the gift as well.. it may be an idea to keep it and not post atm as again, I have seen gifts bought her by people she is not on terms with go straight into the bin, unopened.

eaglewings,I have now suffered x3 mc (2 that my sister knows of) and I did ask in all honesty if she had suffered a mc before due to her actions. I didn't mean it to be rude or harsh and just as a sympathetic question with the aim to understand more and to help if she needed it.

Her reply.. it was none of my business.

Fine, I have suffered mc's and have always spoken honestly about how they were and how they affected me. I understand things affect people differently and maybe I was OTT to ask but no malice was meant.. it was very sincere.