Timing issue re divorce

[StrongLikeAnOak]

I want to get divorced that much I know.
Told H a couple of weeks ago but backed down almost straight away,. Now I realized that I have no respect left for him. I don't like the way I am.
Christmas is coming. We have flights booked to away to seey family and I.sort of have convinced myself that I would now be waiting after the Christmas season. I.not sure anymore I can do it.
So my question really is, is it ok to split up so close to Christmas.

Why hang on until after Christmas, if you're so unhappy? Of course it's okay.

Because I am thinking of the dcs (6&8yo) and that things will be ruined for them.
Because of the strain it will put on all the family (I am thinking my parents reaction to the idea of their gc spending christmas wo their dad)
Because I said I will give it a go. I though I wold be able to but feel a bit like a cheat to give up so quickly.

Is this the first time that you've threatened to leave him. Did he believe you?

Have you thought about counselling to find out what you really want to do?

I've had counselling on my own. That's one of the reason why I know that I was to split up.

I had told him that I really had enough about a year ago but tbh I wasn't strong enough to leave. I am not sure H realized how serious I was but he knew things were really bad this summer.
This time he knew. I was totally taken aback by his reaction 'Well I suppose we need to think what to do next'. Tone of voice told me he was going to be difficult & ressentful. And I couldn't quite believe he gave up so easily. I suppose there was quite a bit of fear on my side too.
However, when I asked him what he wanted to do, he said he wanted to try again and make things better. And I agreed to give it a go. One of the condition was that it was time bound (but nothing on how long we/he had to put things right)

Do your parents live abroad, is that why you want to wait until after you see them at christmas? Is he worried you'll take your children to another country? That might make him difficult and resentful?

Yes we are going abroad to see my family. However my parents are living here and I can't do my job there as I wouldn't have the qualification (had it here and it's not recognized where I am coming from). So no risk of me moving away. I wouldn't want to do that any way. I think my dcs need to be close to their dad even though he isn't that keen on spending time with them
The issue with my parents is more about their own ideas of 'what should happen' and separating children from their parents is a big No-No (and yes they are not very keen on divorce either). So having christamas, the whole family around and a branbd new divorce at the same time will make for a very strained time.

It will be shit and possibly the worst of times. Are you sure you want out? Are you doing it for reasons you are comfortable with? If yes, then bite the bullet. There is no good time.

If no, then get some help.

When I went to see my counsellor, I described H attitude and behaviour. In her own words, his behaviour was 'as crippling as abuse'.
So no he isn't an abuser. Yes if he wanted he could change and I know he would be then a nice person to live with.
But I do not love or even like him anymore and I don't have any energy left to fight.
So yes I need to leave, for myself and for our dcs.

What is his behaviour like? Does he extend it to the dcs? Don't forget that a 50/50 residency is a very real possibility.

He is Passive Agressive. All the way. Impossible to have communication with him.
Doesn't like to be with the dcs. One of the big issue between us for all sort of reasons. One of my big issues is the way he is putting them down, esp dc1 and is ressentful of dc1 abilities ?!?

Would he want to have 50/50 residency? I doubt it tbh. His idea of looking after his dcs is that he is doing some 'babysitting' (H words here). Unless he is suddenly openinh his eyes, I will be lucky if he has the dcs every other weekends and some of the hols.

Sounds unpleasant. Good luck, i hope it works out for you all.

Anybody with other ideas re timing?

I suppose there will never be a good time because it is such a difficult thing to do. Only you are the best person to know if you can carry on until Christmas and if being with your husband pretending to be happy is going to ruin Christmas anyway then probably best to do it sooner so that your children can enjoy Christmas for Christmas sake. I suspect there will never be a good time. You must do what is best for you and your children emotionally and once decided you must trust your judgment and stay strong. Good luck.

You could take the DC away without him at Christmas? That would give you a bit of time apart, and some support from your family while you decide next steps.

There's nothing to stop you starting divorce proceedings now if you're so unhappy.

I did try and do that as H had, once again, being difficult when we talked about going to spend christmas with my family (a rare event I must had!).
So proposed that I was going with the dcs if he didn't want to go. Told my parents .... I then I had to spend 2 hours reassuring my mum that it wasn't her fault (??), that I really wanted to go for the whole family thing not they were going etc.... Hence the fact I know getting divorce this side of christmas will lead to a lot of stress on my side of the family.

I am just really worried about doing the right thing for the dcs and not having them associate christmas with their dad leaving.
But then there is never a good time.