Is lack of affection enough of a reason to leave?

[curious2]

Just that really. I don't realistically think the affection / love is ever going to come back between h and I but live under the weird assumption that it somehow magically will. Additionally h very hard to talk to about anything to do with this.

Is complete lack of affection enough of a reason to leave (we have kids)??

Would like to hear from people who had the same issues if possible... Because I have to live with myself I find it hard to believe that someone (h) can be as uninterested as he appears to be, but the only conclusion I can draw from his behaviour is that he is not interested in me, and not that bothered about living with me either. Don't know how he would feel about the family splitting up though - we are both devoted to the dc.

I would say it depends how long things have been this way. Does he realise that lack of affection is killing your relationship, or does he think things are fine.

Lack of affection doesnt always mean lack of love, and it can definately be resurrected.

I split with my husband mainly because of this though, and it was the shock needed to make him change his behaviour. It wasnt an instant fix, it took time, and it also took some CBT too, as there were reasons behind his inability to show affection. There was also a certain degree of complacency on his part too, which I think can creep into many relationships once you are settled and have been together a while, and you find yourselves taking each other for granted rather than showing appreciation. We worked it out, and we got back together and while it isnt all gushing hearts and flowers we definately have a lot more respect for each other, and put more effort in than we did before the split.

Agree with squeaky. I left a long term relationship because of this, as I was sure that if i didn't leave i would end up having an affair. I needed so much more affection than he gave me, and whilst I did communicate this to him he did not make enough of a change. The thing is though, I don't think i communicated to him the severity of my feelings, until I actually decided to break up with him. Despite this there was so much love in that relationship, and I think had i communicated better how severe my feelings were before I had actually decided to break up with him, he would definitely have wanted to go to relationship counselling to try and sort it out. So try really hard to get across to him just how important this is, to try and give your relationship a proper chance. I do regret not managing to communicate better to him about this issue and often wonder whether I could have managed the situation better, as I do miss him. A lot. As I say, there was so much love there, I just couldn't see at the time because of the lack of obvious affection. :(

I agree with the others. I think counselling may be the best way to go here.

If your relationship is otherwise ok, it would be a shame to break it up. If there are other problems, counselling may help you to see what they are and work through them. If the relationship is beyond saving, counselling will also help you realise this and help you to have as amicable a split as possible. You really have nothing to lose by going.

Good luck.

I have just had a row conversation, with my DH about the same issue. There is no lack of love between us, we are passionate about each other, but lack of time, children, jobs can interfere and sometimes we feel as if we have only met through a series of formal meetings or emails!

Take heart, if there is love, as others have said, this can be worked through; we have just (yesterday) shared a good bottle of prosecco and some nice nibbles at home, lit a candle and put on the music we found each other again and it was worth the row conversation, so worth it....

Thank you for your answers. I really appreciate your thoughts.

H is not the counselling type and is very difficult to talk to about anything. We have so many different strands to our problems that I cannot see the woods for the trees. It's good to know that affection can be resurrected, I just get the feeling that in our case we would have to resurrect the entire relationship. Just feel incredibly lonely and don't think that h realises at all. Or that he has any concept of our relationship dying. Just into his own thoughts about things and nothing else.

Also I cannot carry on putting on cheerfulness and "getting on with things"... I have had enough of putting a brave face on things and thinking that one day h might actually like me.

I think wanting to leave is enough of a reason.

My marriage was emotionally abusive (although I only realised the extent of it afterwards) but I left because I felt there just had to be more to life. In many ways I had a better than average relationship but it wasn't enough and I decided I'd rather be alone.

If you both want to fix things then I believe they can be fixed but you don't need to justify a decision not to try.

I agree with the posters above, being in the same situation. I can't talk to my DH either, and got myself some counselling, mainly to articulate to someone else how I felt. In my case, though, I believe the relationship to be over, and on a "personal" level nothing has happened for a few years now, if you get what I mean! He agreed to come to one session of counselling, under duress, but did not open up. I have worked hard at trying to get through, but I'm not sure if it's worth the effort any longer.

In your case, I suppose it depends upon how good the relationship is in other ways, and whether "lack of affection" is actually symptomatic of a dead relationship. I kidded myself that lack of affection meant that he simply wasn't able to express himself through affection, but I think I was wrong - I have now come to terms with what I now believe to be a relationship which is, sadly, over. I am now trying to enhance other areas of my life - work, hobbies, etc - in an attempt to find fulfilment elsewhere. Leaving isn't an option for me at the moment, so I will plod on for the time being at least.

One suggestion - have you tried writing him a letter? It may do the trick if you are unable to get through to him, and writing things down should help you clarify your thoughts.

I think at least you will find that there are many others who will empathise with your situation. Good luck to you.

Being unhappy and feeling unloved is enough of a reason to leave.
I think your issue here is more to do with other issues:

• if you were doing X or Y, would your H be more affectionate
• is there still some love left but the 'showing affection' isn't there for a lot fo reasons (dcs, work etc...)
• am I giving up too easily

I would really recommend some counselling for yourself to clarify your thoughts and what is going wrong in the relationship on your pov.
I also think that putting up a front, always being happy isn't a lot of help when you are not. Because your H will not understand the depth of your unhappiness if you never show it (just as he cannot expect you to see the depth of his love if he doesn't show it iyswim).
Affection can be ressurected wo any doubt. Love imho can not be resurrected if it has died. You need to established what has gone : affection or love?

curious2, I am sad for you, I am sad for myself. I am in exactly the same position. He is not affectionate with me at all, ever. Sex has come down to once or twice a year. I am dying inside. We have children and I am too scared to uproot them and break their hearts. He wont talk about things. I try to on a regular basis, but it is like a brick wall. I bare my soul and he basically says nothing back. He fights eith me when I say things he doesnt like or agree with. He actually just swore and hung the phone up on me.

pissedoff - don't keep baring your soul to him - it is pointless.

Curious2, is this a recent thing, or has it been like this for a while? Did he used to be affectionate? Could it be that your dc are very young & sapping you both (him particularly) of the energy to be affectionate? Do you do things together at all - or is it just about the dc?

i am going through the same thing. Been like this in my marriage for a long time. no sex in my marriage for 15 years. I had an affair 8 years ago which lasted for 4 and a half years. That ended 4 years ago this xmas. I start counselling for myself next week.