Amateur psychologists, will you help me work this person out?

[garlicBreathZombie]

This may turn out to be an occasional series, as I try to put my 'new head' through some paces with new people. I'm really looking for fellow Stately Homers, EA survivalists and other examiners of human nature to offer critical feedback. Thanks :)

I had a long talk with a friend's husband. I've known him for years, but only in passing - friend had to cancel, so an evening a trois turned into him and me. I already knew he has a previous family, nasty divorce and has severed contact with his (now adult) DC. Friend has DC from previous abusive marriage, also now grown up but parented by current husband. There are a few things I dislike about him - he 'steers' my friend when they're out; she seems to do a lot more for him at home than he does for her; she suffers quite badly from stress and depression.

So he told me he's not at all close to his birth family: apparently he was a solitary child, the odd one out. First wife sounds like a classic Narcissist who, judging by his story, cynically used him financially and forced the DC to choose between her and their father. She was frequently unfaithful - but he tried to tell me he never cheated on her. I said I know he got together with my friend (second wife) while still married! He also tells me one of friend's DC is a selfish user. I agree, as it happens, but thought it odd for him to confide.

On the upside he's very hardworking, pro-active, has rescued friend's business, is affable and I've never heard him put her down or speak harshly to her. He doesn't seem particularly sexist or controlling. (Though he can be a bit pompous, that's not unusual in people my age!)

I've got to say I've never warmed much to him - I've tried gently nudging my friend to see if he's the cause of her depression, but she idolises him. So my question is: Am I right to feel wary/suspicious of him? Or am I letting my recently-gained PHD in Twuntdom jaundice my opinion?

There's no ulterior motive to this, btw. I'm making my first steps towards radar adjustment, that's all :)

Thank you, Prune. I like your point about delusions. I've tended to classify 'delusional' as the out-there imaginings of the schizoid (which aren't completely absent from my circle anyway) but, really, the everyday type is more insidious and just as damaging. Re-writing history; re-framing relationships; assuming power with insufficient responsibility - those are the delusions which wreck lives, aren't they?

Very thought-provoking post. I'm off to apply it to my family, with the aid of my trusty journal. It's good to hear that you continue to point unfairnesses out to your friend - I'll try and keep it up with mine, though she tends to pre-empt me with his 'excuse'! I'm also going to send the anonymous book ... which she will probably see as some sort of undermining attack, but you never know.

I also think your radar is working very well here. There's a lot of projection imo. Everyone else is wrong, did him wrong. Too good to be true. And the story you could easily dismiss as a flat out lie, about cheating.

I would always be wary of anyone who slags off a child. There is a heartlessness there and a failure to see a child as a child, which is why I feel narcissists should be kept away from children. Ns are very good at identifying other people's faults and magnifying them while presenting themselves as marvelous by comparison. They also tend to scapegoat one child in particular. He has already cut off his own children. Bad sign.

Anyone who spends an evening out identifying other people's faults behind their backs is trying something on. I wonder what his agenda could be? Maybe he is jealous of the relationship between the mother and her children and is therefore demonising the children to make his jealousy more acceptable to himself. This seems a bit like the story of his ex wife and the children from that relationship being trotted out again - the wife allegedly took the children from him in that case and here he may be blaming the children for getting between him and his wife. Maybe he is having an affair or tempted to stray and the alleged difficulty of living with the children is going to be turned into a drama where he asked the wife to rein in all or one of the children but she didn't see things that way and therefore 'chose them over him'..? It sounds like the laying of groundwork. Added to that the wife couldn't go but he went anyway.

I don't like the 'rescuing' of the business idea. Who depicted it that way? How did you get to know about this?

I like conflug's approach of just sitting with the feelings. I'm very much a Stately Homer and it's taken me along time to be able to do this. It takes practice for it to stop feeling scary.

Also garlic, the fact that you just don't like him is a good enough reason not to like him. There doesn't need to be a reasoned argument or balance of probability. We're not going to turn round and say 'no, you must like him because your feelings don't count'. Your feelings are good enough.

I like just listening to my instinct and believing that that is good enough. More than anything else, it just saves so much time and emotional energy. And BTW, he sounds like a bit of a twat.

That's really bloody interesting about the possible affair & distancing, Queen. I hadn't seen the repeating pattern there with the children, either; he ditched the elder of his own children before the youngest. If he's got his third wife in the wings, he'll be replicating almost exactly.

I do freelance work for his wife - and, now, am doing some as a favour to him When she first told me about everything he'd done for her business, the expression I used was "took over". She corrected it to "sorted out." Although they both work hard, she works a hell of a lot harder. She gets stress-related illnesses, which I worry about. There's nothing I can do really, but am incredibly grateful for this feedback. As a result, I'll be staying professional around him and making sure I keep in touch with her and her youngest.

Perhaps some of you have some idea how much this thread's helping me! Not only with this bloke but, also, in reviewing my family members. It's sometimes hard to keep those blinkers off.

Yes agree with you about delusions. The first inkling we had of this man's ability to 'delude' was when he told a story with himself as the main joker - "and I said this and everyone laughed at that stupid person" - then we found out (easily, from someone who was there) that it was in fact a group of his professional peers making a joke at his expense. He'd written himself into the story as the hero, not the butt of the joke. OK we all exaggerate and some people do big themselves up but the change of role really made me wonder why he'd done it at all.

I have no idea if 'delusional' is the right term, but it always makes me prickle a bit if someone tells me a lie that should be easily verifiable, and I quickly and without trying find out that it's a lie.

My point is that the man I know went on to really lose the plot about a year later. So if I were you I'd keep an eye on him and hope for the best. Of course lots of women do live with men who are a bit shitty (and vice versa) and they're well up to it (actually, my friend is, she's a bit of an oddity herself!) but of course it can be a hard road.

Sorry, Math, I conflated your post with Queen's.

Prune: The problem with castles in the air is that they tend to crash to earth - taking the occupants with them, while the castle-builder moves on to a fresh cloud! (or something like that; got a bit carried away with my metaphor there )

I think that he has been inappropriately "over-sharing" with you as you barely know him
Also that he has been very negative about many people in his life

Since you understandably didn't seem to enjoy spending time alone with him I suggest actively trying to avoid this kind of situation in future.