H leaving for what?

[Iggy69]

My h of 18 years,1 ds of 10, has been having an affair, my guess is for over a year, he says a few months. Has moved out to give us some space, and presumably to still carry on with her even though she won't leave her family and doesn't live closeby.
Am very confused as we have always had a great relationship and can#t understand what he is leaving for - family and friends want nothing to with him so he is losing everything. Includding nice house (he's gone to a small flat), family life and social life.
He wants us to be friends, I can't do that while he is carrying on with her, but I want the best for ds.
Very mixed up feelings, I hate him for what he's done to us, but find it hard to be harsh and give it all up - though i know that's what i should do.
Any advice gratefully receivedd, as i feel like i'm going mad and don't know what i should be doing or thinking.
I know there's a lot of mnetters out there going through similar - what is wrong with men? I thought we were happy and had everything we wanted....

Forgt to say, he wants to be friends still and enjoy "family time" including xmas, sunday lunches and days out etc

Well I would wait quite a while before doing any 'family things' together. He wants the cake and eating it.
Having sunday lunches (that you are going to cook??) and then leaving to go back to the OW?????

Yes he is losing everything but he chose to do so.

In the mean time you need some time alone to settle down a dn try to get abit more clarity on what has happened.

The cheated is always the last to know. As for being "friends" ummmmm how dare he ask that of you.

"Ive left but still want half of what we had? What a dick.

Just wanted to say I'm sad for you and loads of others will be along soon who have been through similar.

Oh Iggy you have my sympathies.
I got a confession e-mail from my h 9 weeks ago today.
He's having an affair and has fathered a child, our DD is 5.

We have so far managed to maintain a friendly co-parenting thing but are getting a bit shouty about finances etc.

We'd been together 28 years and although the last 6 or 7 months had been difficult we'd been having some great times whilst he was with ow.
The affair is at least 2.5 years old.
H will be 50 next year and had lost both parents either side of DD's birth, I think he's had some sort of breakdown.
It doesn't excuse him from acting like a complete tosser though.

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that I will never understand why he's done it, primarily because he himself doesn't know.
He shows great remorse at the pain he's caused me and DD, but is not in the slightest bit regretfull of the affair, iykwim.

It's such a complex situation and one that's been happening under our noses.

I really feel for you. MN has been a lifeline for me, especially in the early hours when I can't sleep, there's always someone awake to post with.

Thanks ChildofIsis, that sounds so familiar. I had no idea as he was still very happy with our family life, but needs a bit of an extra thrill on the side.
He is full of shame and very remorseful, but can't seem to help himself and cant' see himself being faithful in the future.
Just so hard to understand that he wants this uncertain future (probably lonely) when we had everything.
But he can't have his cake and eat it, which is why I'm trying to be harsh and not let him have family life, though it would be easier in some ways for me and ds.
I'm sure i'll be on mn a lot now as i know there's a lot of support out there....

iggy
I'm sorry to hear this and he has a damn cheek to ask for "famIly time". If he wants days out and sunday lunches say that's fine - if he is prepared to pay for them and cook them.

Be strong and when you feel yourself wavering think about the example you set to your son about how to treat women. Your future DIL will be grateful. Be proud of yourself.

You deserve to be wholly loved and some day that may happen so long as you don't have your ex hanging around stopping you from moving on.

Don't let him have the 'family time' with you - it will keep you in limbo, drag it all out so, so painfully and fuck with your MH.

He needs to feel the consequences of his choices and 'though it probably doesn't feel like it, you'll be better off with a clean break than the no-mans-land he's proposing. After all, what he wants is for you to stay right where you are, ready to cook him xmas dinner and give him the home comforts when he feels like it, while he does as he likes. Don't stay on hold for him.

I bet that his family time with you would co-incide with OW spending time with her family. Then he won't have to spend any time on his own. Please don't grant him that, Iggy, he doesn't deserve it. Of course he should see his son but that will have to be negotiated with you, the resident parent. So sorry, sending hugs. Just keep going. Hope your DS is managing - he must be devastated too.

Sorry no experience of long term relationship as Pillock left when I was pregnant so here goes! well when the knob is in his pokey flat ALONE on Xmas day.....maybe then he will realize what he has chucked away....!?

He does not realise yet what he has given up.

Do not pander to what he wants, that's just ridiculous. He can have access to his son where he will have to take him out and entertain him, look after him, feed him, etc. all on his own. That's what a responsible parent does.

He does not need to be in and out of your house playing happy families. Apart from that being extremely disrespectful to you, it would send a confusing message to your son.

though it would be easier in some ways for me and ds

It will not be easier for you. It will be heartbreaking to have him coming and going as he pleases, sharing meals with you then leaving to be with another woman. Once it starts to sink in, he will probably be complaining at you that you've got the house, family, friends, etc. and he's got nothing. Especially if it fizzles out with OW. He will become stroppy and awkward and you definately won't want him around.

And you probably don't want to think about it right now, but you may find someone else yourself in time and you won't want to be sitting down for Christmas dinner with your new man, your ex and your son.

He can't have it both ways. He's either part of the family or he's not. Make a clean break. Be firm on the boundaries. It's the best thing for all of you in the long run.

Thank you so much to all of you who have posted. It makes more sense to me now- though its hard I know I need to be strong in my actions by not allowing him to be part of our family life anymore, as that is what he has chosen. All your advice is true and logical, I'm so pleased that I sought your recommendations as I know what I need to do and will hopefully find the strength to follow it all through. At the moment I hate him and know that he spent last night with her so it makes it easier to cut him out. Roast dinner tomorrow won't be the same, but his loss...

Hi Iggy

I am in a similar(ish) sort of situation although further down the line from you and now going through divorce.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but this is so common of the shite that these men spout. They act as though some sort of tragedy has befallen them, they are sorry for the pain they've caused but 'can't help themselves' etc.

There is however a very simple truth behind their actions. They didn't love you enough any more and so decided (yes, actually made an active decision) to start screwing another woman. And now the relationship with the OW means more to them than your relationship does.

It is a horribly painful reality to engage with, and I still struggle myself, but in my experience, it is better to realise this sooner rather than later, or your mental and emotional health will suffer horribly.

My STBX actually said that he 'wanted to have his cake and eat it', but guess what, that would destroy you as a person. You need to realise that he is no longer who you thought. He does NOT want you anymore, but wants to assuage his guilt. But really, it is simply not that difficult, if you love someone, and love being in a family you stay with them and don't start seeing an OW.

I hope I've not been too harsh, but I wish I'd realised this truth sooner, and I wish I could really 'believe' it too, rather than just 'knowing' it iyswim, but I am getting there.

Good luck, this is such a shit time so sending huge hug xxx

He's opted out of family life. It's not a selection box where you choose Christmas, sunday lunch but miss out on supervising homework, coping with breakfasts, changing beds for vomitin child, etc etc

Make it easy for him ...and he's won.

Letting go of a relationship is really hard. You need to though.

You can do this Iggy. Stay strong. Let the anger you feel help you. Try to maintain normality without him as much as you can. Sunday lunch and all the other routines can carry on without him. When your ds goes to visit his dad, use the time to get things done for yourself. Keep busy. Make an appointment to see a solicitor and find out where you stand. Get as much RL support as you can.

FWIW my friend's husband left her and for the last 3 Christmases she has come to my house with her children. Friends and family will help you if you ask. You do not have to do this alone.