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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Maybe petty, but feeling angry. how to deal with this?

22 replies

RefereezaWanka · 28/10/2011 21:07

I'll try to be brief. My MIL is a very difficult woman. Over the years I have tried to make allowances for her based on the fact that a) she is my DH's mum and the kid's grandmother and b) she has had a very hard life and lost my FIL very suddenly a few years ago, and is lonely, I think, and probably depressed.

She lives abroad and we see her probably twice a year. When she comes to stay with us she stays for weeks, sometimes months, and I am always very accommodating. But God, she is hard work -critical, paranoid (thinks the whole world is against her), dreadfully self-pitying, very blunt and has no social grace - will always tell you what she thinks, even if it is hurtful.

I probably don't call or email her as often as i should - mainly because she is so emotionally draining and will spend half an hour criticising and complainingand bad mouthing other members of the family. But I do try to be a good DIL. I dutifully send her photos of the kids and little presents and cards, and we have taken her on holiday recently, all expenses paid, and tried to show her a good time.

Anyway - a couple of weeks ago she asked me to send her some socuments we had been keeping safe for her. I said I would do so asap. I dug them out of DH's filing system, put them in an envelope and DH said he was on his way to the post office that day and would post them.

DH is away on business at the moment, so haven't been able to check if he did post them, but assumed he had.

I have just received an email from my MIL saying:

'Hope the family is well.Thank you for NOT sending the documents as you PROMISED you would. I will have to find another way to get hold of them.'

she then signed it 'Initial;/Surname' e.g. A. Smith

WTF?

This may be petty in the bigger scheme of things, but I feel outraged and offended that she feels she can email me out of the blue in such a rude manner, without even checking what happened.

WWYD? I have formulated a cutting reply in my mind but know that this probably isn't the best course of action. Yet I feel loathe to call her up and explain and apologise when she has been so bloody rude. Grrrr. Don't know why i am so angry, but she has really pissed me off.

Excuse essay. Thanks for reading if you have got this far!

OP posts:

Original poster

RefereezaWanka · 28/10/2011 21:08

documents, not socuments!

OP posts:

fluffythevampirestabber · 28/10/2011 21:11

Tell her to take it up WITH HER SON

And then leave the pair of them to it.

But I love socuments

Original poster

RefereezaWanka · 28/10/2011 21:22

lol! Yes, I am inclined to do that. I just feel pissed off that she didn't even give me a ring or drop me a line to say 'did you ever post those documents? what happened?' Its like she expects the worst from me, even though I have been nothing but lovely to hear for the past 12 years GRRR.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 28/10/2011 21:24

Oh yes, hand over to her son. It's his problem. And he can send the pics of the kids etc in future, dammit.

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/10/2011 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

RefereezaWanka · 28/10/2011 21:28

lol! Urrr, thanks...I think?@shineon

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/10/2011 21:29

yep, let your dh deal with her and do it all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2011 21:31

"Over the years I have tried to make allowances for her based on the fact that a) she is my DH's mum and the kid's grandmother and b) she has had a very hard life and lost my FIL very suddenly a few years ago, and is lonely, I think, and probably depressed".

These facts however are no justification though for how she has acted towards you and continues to act. Many people have had similar lives and do not act like petulant toddlers as adults (her behaviour to me seems narcissistic). The one good thing is that she actually lives abroad so is not on your doorstep anyway.

I would have your H speak to his mother and let him deal with this. BTW what's his relationship like with her?. Does he keep her at arms length, do you think he is afraid of her?.

smackapacca · 28/10/2011 21:32

I would send an equally formal reply:

Dear x

I am writing with regard to your Email dated xxxx. There appears to have been a problem with the postal service. Mr X took the documents to the post office at x time on x date.

I will contact him and ascertain the sequence of events from thereon in.

With kind regards,

Mrs RefereezaWanka

Original poster

RefereezaWanka · 28/10/2011 21:35

Atilla, yes, DH does keep her at arms length. He is a very calm, lovely, warm person, and insanely positive (annoyingly so [grin[) but she test him to the very limits of his patience like nobody else can when they are together. She is the only person I have ever heard him say a cross/negative word to. He probably calls her once a month or so and has a long chat with her, but he finds her bad mouthing of other relatives (especially DH's brother's wife) very hard to bear.

Thing is, I do totally understand why she is the way she is (she really did have a horrific childhood and relied very heavily, emotionally, on FIL before he died). I also see that now, in her late 70s, she is very unlikely to change.

But you are right. Her behaviour is appalling. This is nowhere near as bad as some of the things she has said and done, btw, but seems to just be the straw that's broken the camel's back with me...

OP posts:

Original poster

RefereezaWanka · 28/10/2011 21:36

pmsl!@smackapacka - that was what I had in mind, but I have just located a stray bottle of wine and had a glass, so thought maybe I should wait until the morning to make that decision...

OP posts:

motherinferior · 28/10/2011 21:39

Sweetie, this really is NOT your problem. It's his problem. Yes, I know you gave birth to his children and all, but really it's up to him to sort out.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 28/10/2011 21:39

So your H is maintaining his 'lovely, warm calm' by dumping all the aggro of dealing with his barking moocow of a mother on you. Tell her to take it up with him and kick his arse for not posting the letter.

smackapacca · 28/10/2011 21:40

Thing is, people have shit childhoods, shit things happen to nice people. But it's OVER. Adults should behave better than this. How dare she think it's acceptable to speak to you like this?

I'm annoyed on your behalf.

Dee03 · 28/10/2011 21:40

I would just email her back stating that she needs to get in contact with her ds about the paperwork as he is the one that was in charge of posting it...short and sweet and to the point

Original poster

RefereezaWanka · 28/10/2011 21:45

lol!@barkingmoocow.

He doesn't usually dump stuff on me in all fairness. He probably speaks to her more than I do, and if I said the word, he would ring her and have a word about the way she has spoken to me. But I don't want it to escalate into a big drama.

Dee03, that does sound like the most sensible option. But fucking hell, I am furious. I have traditionally been quite a hothead when people 'disrespect' me, but I am increasingly thinking that I might need to just treat her like the mad old bat she is and give her a few more patronising 'there, there dears' rather than bother interacting with her like she is a sane person.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 28/10/2011 21:46

Just forward her email to him. Don't do anything else. IT REALLY IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

motherinferior · 28/10/2011 21:48

And why on earth wouldn't he 'speak to her more than you do'? She's his mother. Not your mother.

I really get quite irate when people do this 'his family is now mine so I have to deal with them instead of him' stuff.

brdgrl · 28/10/2011 21:49

yes....and next time she asks for a favour, say as sweetly as you can "oh, i'd love to say yes, but remember what happened last time? it is probably best if you just asked DH directly."

you've clearly gone well above the norm to be a 'good' DIL. you said you don't call or email her as often as you should - but really, isn't it up to your DH to make sure he calls and emails?

and, everyone, this is a genuinely curious question, because i have not been married very long, and i don't have a MIL anyway! - but unless one is really close to your MIL, independent of DH, does one have any obligation/is there any expectation whatsoever to call etc?

Dee03 · 28/10/2011 21:51

U do whatever makes u feel better..but just remember that if u go in all guns blazing u may open a whole can of worms that will be very hard to shut!! Only you know if you can handle it....good luck

motherinferior · 28/10/2011 21:52

Well, I'm not married but when DP's mother was alive he was the one who talked to her because he was her son, and they got on well.

DP is very nice to my parents - who are Very Hard Work - but they're my parents (more's the pity) and obviously he doesn't ring them. He does occasionally suggest a Christmas present for them. He is generally a nicer person than I am.

Original poster

RefereezaWanka · 28/10/2011 21:53

I did forward the email to DH with the comment 'Nice!'. We'll see what he says.

I suppose I do feel obligated - not instead of but as well as DH - to keep contact with her. I do feel like his family is my family. he has been very good to my barking mad father over the years

OP posts:

Flip