Why do I fall for it everytime?

[barmybird]

Yet again I have listened to my soon to be x husband and ended up in tears.

To cut a long story short he had an affair, we seperated (I moved out with our dd), he persuaded me to try again and within 24 hours of me agreeing I caught him in bed with his gf. I started divorce proceedings and have got the financial settlement sorted. I am in the process of buying my own home.

He has for the last week or so been saying he wants us to try again. We hardly saw him over christmas, he was at his gf (although he denies this). But I got to thinking about new year and how nice it would be for us all to spend it together. I asked him if he wanted to do this and I have just had him on the phone telling me how confused he is, how I am pulling him one way and then the other, how he is trying to build up a new social life!!! etc.

Yet again I am in tears. He says he wants me but then when I offer I get every excuse under the sun. Why do I do this to myself? logically I know I am better off without him. But he throws me a crumb and I grab it! how do I stop?

you have to get into the mind set that this new year you will start as you mean to go on that means a new life for you without him, you have started the ball rolling and to go backwards now would be a mistake by the sound of it, just think this time next year you could have met a lovely bloke that treats you the way you deserve! Good luck

Message withdrawn

I guess I just feel so angry with myself for falling for it yet again. I'm angry that I have shown him my weak side (I have been very tough with him for a while now). And I'm angry with him for not grasping this opportunity to get his family back.

agree with dior he is hedging his bets keeping one foot in the door in case he f**ks up his new life Let him go you sounded like you were getting things together without him Hope 2006 is kind to you xx

sorry to hear that BB but I can empathise....you must do whats right for YOU and DD and sod him.
He seems to be trying to hedge his bets, and if he isnt and genuinely is confused, you need to stay strong and let him do the running
that way you'll know for definate

be strong
I know its hard
Ive had a sh't evening cos of my X and hes just gone off back to her after calling me names etc

You are scared thats all - but you can do it - think of the job and your rented house - you did that so quickly - dont let him knock you down

and so what if you look weak - you are trying to stand by your marriage vows - his went out the window the night his pants fell off

take care
xxx

Thanks everyone. I know I do ok. I am quite strong and my dd is the absolute centre of my life but I feel so sad. I get glimpses of the man he was and I miss him.

Deep down I know his gf is still around, I know he is making no effort to show me he can be trusted but still I fall for his games.

Please god let next year be better.

the way I look at it next year cant be worse
youve found out H is a lier
youve lost him
youve lost your house

next year you get to choose your own house for your family - you & your DD
next year you're heart wont be broken but may be mended (by H or someone else)
next year YOU are in control of your family's future

I know but I guess I am still getting to grips with the idea that I have lost him (even though I know he's not worth having), maybe its more the loss of the dream of a family life.

I know dd and I will be fine. The house I have found felt like home when I walked in. I go to sort out my mortgage next week so we should be in by March! which will be lovely.

I guess my only problem is how I manage meetings with my soon to be x husband. Any tips anyone? I don't want to keep falling for his games.

for me the only thing that gets me down is the thought of weekend access - if he told me he never wanted to see the kids again I would be happy BUT that is selfish and I will therefore have to deal with it for my children

have minimal contact is my advice

My H wants to phone every night so I have taught DS to switch phone on & off and during the week, I look at my phone, see daddy's number & tell DS to answer it....lasts all of 30 secs and Im not disturbed
Why dont you have DD ready in coat & just open door & politely say hello - shes ready
then shut door & cry

thats what I would do
I just act indifferent towards H which is obviously confusing him hence name-calling tonight

Thanks everyone, feeling better today. Will try and keep my distance a bit more, I guess my problem is that I want us to be friends and maybe this isn't possible for some time to come

Hi BB,

re your original post. TBH I don't think you could be friends for a while yet. Seems harsh, and I know people do end up friends with their ex, but there is just too much emotional heat at the moment perhaps. I think MRSM's idea of minimal contact is a good idea, and even if you don't feel indifferent, then acting indifferent might make you feel better about yourself, e.g. I spoke to X2B this evening and didn't let him see how upset I was.

Where is your new house? Did you end up looking across in Derbyshire, or more locally?

you arent friends anymore

I said this to H this morning - friends dont betray you

you may be friends one day but I expect it will be a while maybe even 2007

just aim for dignity - easier said than done - I know as I lost it with H again tonight when he left - just winds me up something rotten

after many months of getting back with / splitting up from xp, i finally realised the man i loved no longer existed, almost like he had died. i then started almost grieving for him. sorry if that sounds wierd, but even now, 5 years on, i look back at the good bit of my relationship with him in the same way i have memories of relatives who have died. there is no going back. he is not the same person, and never will be. once you believe that you can move on. if you see a bit of him like the old him, just think of it in the same way you would if you passed a place you used to go to with a loved one who died, its nice to have memories but you cant go back.

excellent idea to have dd in her coat and ready to go when he gets there, until you can cope with things it really is best not to see him if poss. as for the going and having a cry when she leaves, you will find that doesnt happen forever, i grew to love the weekends i had free. build up your own social life and enjoy yourself. dd will be with him regardless of whether you go out and have a laugh or stay at home being unhappy. why should you make yourself more miserable because of him? going out with friends will also mean the time passes quicker so you are not just sat there being upset cos dd is away.

hope things improve for you soon, i now have dp who i have been with for 3 1/2 years and sometimes i really miss being single!

(i dont miss being single because i dont want to be with dp or anything, just saying i actually loved being single and you find you have so much more freedom than when you are in a couple - just reread and realised it sounded quite bad)

Don't worry jinglinggoblin I knew what you meant.

You all give me sound advice and I know I have got to be tougher with him. I saw him today and managed to be very cool when I actually wanted to scream at him. He however acted as if nothing was wrong, he's not just refused to spend new year with his wife and daughter (after choosing to leave at mid day on christmas day) he's super daddy, playing with dd etc. He then came up behind me and gave me a kiss whilst trying to grab bits of me!

Consequently I have today written him a letter reminding him that we are seperated and will soon be divorced, so kissing, groping and asking for sex (yes he does this!) is not on.

Deep down I know its not possible for us to remain friends at the moment. His lying really winds me up, it makes me both angry and sad if that makes sense. I need to get past this upset.

2006 will be my year! we will move into our new home in Evesham. I chose not to move back to Derbyshire in the end as my friends and job are here. This was a tough decision but I feel at peace with it.

As the inspirational MM says 2006 is my year for taking back control of my life and moving on (I already have a male email buddy , not in any rush but its nice to know there are men out there who think I am ok!)

good for you BB
he sounds like an a#rse grabbing you like that
cat me when you move house and we can meet up and even go out on the town together

That would be good MM. Looking to be in by early March. Perhaps e can get together then and you can give me the low down on Evesham?

Well done BB. Honestly, the nerve of your X2B just leaves me .

When you and MM want to hit the town, I'm happy to babysit (you have met me by the way - I'm Gumdrop on a different computer) - let me know.

A very happy new year to you.

bb, I think it's all part of you mourning the loss of your relationship with your H. It's all still very recent and raw, it's only natural that you should still have feelings for him. He is being very unfair by playing on these emotions. Now that the divorce is well under way and you are moving on practically (if not emotionally, just yet), his behaviour sounds like a bit of a swan song, a last ditch attempt to have his cake and eat it, IYSWIM.

You are a lovely, warm person and you strike me as being pretty capable of handling things for yourself and DD. In your position I would just try my absolute best to keep reminding myself that I have the upper hand in this situation and that he has had his second chance and he blew it spectacularly. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.

Thanks everyone. Much needed support as always.

I'm ok today, I've been very cool with husband on the phone and I'm trying not to waste any of my energy on him and his sad little affair. He has lost alot but there is much for me to gain.

Thanks for the offer of babysitting gumdrop- are you not coming with us? Looking forward to a night out already.

Lets hope we all have a happy new year and that it brings all that we want and deserve.

Thanks again everyone!

Back again ladies. He is either the master of manipulation or I am very gullible.

Just got back from dropping dd at husbands. He had made me my favourite tea and proceeded to tell me how much he missed me, how his life can't go on without me. He swears he is no longer seeing the gf. Her toiletries are no longer in the bathroom so who knows?

I was very strong and told him I'd been here before and he betrayed me big time. He tells me he is going to fight to save this marriage.

Have driven away in tears yet again. Managed not to cry in front of him! I'm so confused again.

I have just had an offer accepted on a house and I'm looking forward to moving in! now he starts telling me he wants us to be together. I have made it clear that I am going to buy my house, it is perfect for dd and I. But what if I am wrong? what if he can prove that he is worth having? I am then committed to a house which we can't all live in.

What a mess. Has anyone else survived an affair and seperation?