MIL & DH

[iwantbrie]

Sorry if this goes on a bit xx
Basically a couple of weeks ago my DH & MIL had an argument which ended with him getting very offended by something she said and hanging up on her. They have always had an up & down relationship, she seems to look down on him because for a long time he was self employed, didn't have the steady 9 to 5 job that his brothers do (he does now), she puts him, me and our DC's down a lot & compares them to her other GC's to the extent that it's become a bit of a joke betweeen me, DH, his brothers and my SIL's!
This time it's different though, DH is not good with confrontation and doesn't hold a grudge - as far as he's concerned, they blew up at each other, calmed down and that was it - it's how we have operated for years!
We went up to see his DP's last week and although nothing was mentioned they talked and everything went fine, or so we thought. Now I'm finding out that she has been phoning him at work asking him what she has done to upset him (without going into details, what she originally said was nasty), telling everyone who will listen that he's cutting her out of her GC's lives, and then she turned up on our doorstep crying about the whole thing and asking me to make him apologise to her. I'm 6 months pg with a risk of bp problems and really don't need the hassle. I told her I would speak to him again but I really don't want all the stress of being in between them over this - have told them both this btw.
One of my SIL's says she narcissistic (sp?).
So my question is, should I leave them to it or try & get this resolved? She is still seeing our DC's, there's no way we would ever keep them away from her even though generally she's not that interested in them anyway!
God that IS long!

Sounds like my DH and MIL, except MIL just withdrew and wouldn't try to resolve things for weeks and weeks. We ended up travelling up to see her and FIL to sort things out and they're still pretty crap tbh.

You're pregnant, your responsibility is to your baby first and foremost. Without going into details we had problems with my DPs, and the neighbours, when i was pregnant. Luckily i cope pretty well with stress and have the kind of relationship with my DH that is very supportive and humourous, and i had a very healthy straightforward pregnancy, so it didn't affect me. But you must put you and your baby first. Tell MIL you don't need the hassle and to sort it out with DH directly, offer to mediate face to face if necessary and if you feel able to. Don't offer to be a go between passing on messages - only two people can sort this out and being a go between only increases the risk of Chinese Whispers and things getting worse. She's being an arse, you and your DH need to rise above it as much as possible and not discuss it with anyone else in his family either, it just adds fuel to fire.

matana thanks for the reply, you're right she is being an arse! We've been very careful to not bring this up in conversation with the family - problem is that she hasn't. She goe on constantly about it to SIL who then tells me the latest (have asked her to stop that too, btw).
Maybe it's just because I'm not used to holding long drawn out grudges that I don't understand how this has got out of control, me & DH are fairly well matched in temperament, a big blowup every now & then, sort it out, get on with life. He genuinly thought everything was ok after we visited the last time & was shocked when she phoned him again.
Face to face mediation would be difficult as in some ways they are very much alike and they both think they're right, I probably end up being the one to lose my temper! I think backing off would be the best thing & letting them sort it.
Thanks x

It's not about resolving a dispute, it's about everything having to be All About MIL (in MIL's mind).

Your SIL is doubtless correct in her assessment. If she is, then know that there is not a whole lot you can do. The only way to "handle" a narcissist is to either:

• placate and soothe them constantly (play their game), or
• practice emotional detachment so you cease being upset by their crap (ignore their game), or
• cut contact (remove yourself from their game).

This book might help you.

You should be supporting your DH.

Imagine the outcry if it was you who had rowed with MIL.