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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you get over cheating...?

5 replies

fatheadsgirl · 28/10/2011 10:41

Nearly a year ago, I found out that my fiancé had cheated on me. He left the laptop on logged in to his email account and curiosity got the better of me. He'd been up all night messaging his ex. He didn't even come to bed because they were too busy talking - told me he didn't come to bed because he had a cough and didn't want to wake me.. The messages started off pretty innocent, then gradually got more personal. Started talking about what they missed about each other, she referred to me constantly as 'it' - he didn't once correct her. Then they got explicit. When I confronted him he confessed that he'd slept with her a few time between April and June (she even told me this in a message on Facebook [sometimes I really hate Facebook] but between him and me believing what I wanted to at the time I put it down to her being nasty), had kissed 3 other women, been intimate (but not sex) with 2 more and then of course these messages. Which actually started earlier in the day when they met to discuss his access to his daughter which ended in them kissing.

At the time I was devastated. All I could really focus on was the hurt and betrayal. After a few days we decided to stay together and work through it. Less than a week later we have a small disagreement and he storms out saying he's going to see his daughter. She was 6 months old and it was nearly 8 o'clock at night. By two in the morning he still wasn't home and I'd had enough so went to my Dads for a few days up north. He didn't come home until the next day and it took him 3 days to contact me and eventually after a few more days I came home. Whilst I was away I found out that he'd spent the night at his ex's again. He says he accidently called her at 3 in the morning cause he was drunk and trying to call a mate to get an address for a house party he was meant to be going to. She called him back and said since he couldn't find his way to his friends then he may aswell just stay at hers. He says he slept in her bed with his daughter and she slept on the couch... Then at New Year, we were still going through a rough patch. I spent New Years Eve at my mums and when I came home new years day he still wasn't back from his night out. He eventually came home about 6 in the evening. When I managed to ask him where he'd been he said he didn't remember.

Now its nearly a year later and all of sudden it all feels very fresh again. I cant get it out of my head. Im moody and unaffectionate. If he tries to be close to me I make excuses and busy myself. He's being very patient and put it down to hormones but if Im honest I want him to leave. However, since the begining of the year we've had no drama's, been perfectly happy actually.

Sorry this is so long but my question is: What do I do??/ I haven't told him any of this cause I dont want to be dredging up the past. How do I get over this????

OP posts:
Malificence · 28/10/2011 11:02

He sounds like an immature idiot tbh, for goodness sake don't have children with this man if you want a happy and settled life.
He left his partner , while she was pregnant presumably, he is very likely to do the same to you in the future.

fatheadsgirl · 28/10/2011 11:10

Thank you for your reply Malificence. Yes their relationship ended in the first few weeks of her pregnancy. It was mutual at the time. The bother is that I did stick around. I'm supposed to have 'forgiven and forgotten' but I cant seem to get past it. I was dealing with it just fine and all of a sudden its cropped up in mind again. I already have one child from a previous relationship and don't want to cause any upset if I can just get over it. In hindsight, I should have just been done with the relationship when the cheating first came about. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. But the fact is I am pregnant and if I can help it I don't want any more hurt, especially more that will affect my children. Cheating aside - before I started thinking about it again- our relationship is normally quite good.

What can I do to get past this without bringing up the past with him?

OP posts:
Charbon · 28/10/2011 12:29

But you'd be a very damaged person if you did try to bury this. From what you've said, he's been back and forth between two women and had physical contact with three others. But who knows? This man is a liar isn't he?

I'd suggest you don't have the full story about their 'mutual' break-up and think it's likely he dumped his ex during her pregnancy. And in her bittnerness, she decided to be the OW to get back at you. You've made eachother the enemy instead of the shit of a man you're both tied to.

Now that you're pregnant, I expect you fear he'll just keep on cheating and it won't be as easy for you to start again. I think you'd be right but being a single parent would be infinitely preferable than a relationship with this horrible man.

fatheadsgirl · 29/10/2011 08:49

I realise I sound like a complete nut job in wanting to stay with him. In hindsight I should have left but I didn't, I stayed. I stayed because I wanted to, because I thought this was something I could get over. I've been in two relationships before one that gave me my daughter and one that ended in divorce and they both cheated and I dealt with it and moved on.
I'm not an idiot. I don't buy in the Walt-Disney-Prince-Charming-Happily-Ever-After-Bullshit but I do, well at least I used to believe, that mistakes are made -especially by the young- and that you can overcome things like this, naturally it will take time. I cannot just walk away without knowing I did everything I possibly could to get back on track.

Thank you both for your responses. Very much appreciated right now, especially since I feel I cannot talk to anyone else about this right now.

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 29/10/2011 09:18

I'm sorry, his "cheating" wasn't a one off drunken mistake that can be forgiven, that is why now you are feeling vulnerable, your doubts and insecurities about your relationship have risen to the surface.

I could say you were foolish to contemplate having a child with this man, but it isn't going to help. Unfortunately he isn't going to stop his behaviour. I have two friends who have husbands who have cheated off and on throughout 20+ years of marriage. Their wives are very bitter women, their dc's have to live with their moody mothers who long ago decided to make it work!

It is up to you, you have to look after yourself and your children, you only know about "the cheating" you found out about, he will be better at hiding it by now.

Ask yourself why his ex finished the relationship when she was pregnant? What are you not seeing?Take your time to work out what is best for you.

Good luck

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