My relationship with myself - not so good

[nombre]

I have just attended a work meeting in which I didn't say that much but I felt shame over almost everything I did manage to say. I felt ashamed if people didn't acknowledge what I said or look at me when I said it. Looking back I can see I am desperate for people to approve of me/like me. Others don't know how I feel as I put on an act that I am okay.

When I am calm I know my feelings of shame are not really me, they are just feelings. However, in the moment and after a meeting of several hours I find it hard to fight off the accumulated shame. It is a terrible feeling like something very traumatic has happened.

I have analysed the things I said. There were some things I could have not said or said better, there were a few things that were definitely wrong and I would not have said with hindsight. However, they weren't the end of the world. Objectively, I know I am still a good person. My body however is telling me otherwise. I ache and my head feels all squashed up inside. I sweated so badly I had to keep my arms pressed to my sides. When I feel like this I need to go away and be on my own to recover

I am an intelligent person and feel I have tremendous potential in me that I really want to fulfil. This shame that I often feel is draining me and taking away the precious time and energy that I want to put into making a better life. What I want is to not feel shame when others don't listen to me or when I make a mistake, say something a little foolish.

My childhood was abusive, I had counselling for 5 years (twice a month) which brought me to the point where I understood my upbringing better. My abusive parent has since died. It is only lately that I have become aware of how I feel inside, that I am not the person I have been projecting for most of my life. The confident looking me is a fake. I have spent many years avoiding situations/people that threatened my view of myself as being confident and sorted and so have limited my career and life. I seem to be unravelling. Even writing this email is scary as I know I will feel ashamed if nobody answers.

Does anyone know what I mean, am I making any sense? Is it possible to overcome this feeling of shame? Are there any other resources out there to help me?

Anyone?

Yes, I do know how you feel. The sahame is a legacy from your childhood, as you know, and has no place in your present life. It was never your shame. It was your abusers', and they dumped it on you to make themselves feel better.

Since I don't know where you're at with your 'stuff' or how willing you are at present to poke at it, I shan't recommend any books or anything. Instead, I suggest going to your GP and saying exactly what you did in your OP - prionti it out and give it to him, if that's easier. You might benefit from an antidepressant that works on anxiety, such as citaloparam, and a course of CBT - which is available on the NHS if you don't mind waiting, or you could try a private CBT trainer if you can afford it.

Do this course online (it's free.)
Brush up your assertiveness skills.
Remember to give yourself a loving, confident, talking-to in the mirror every day!

print it out - fat fingers!

Yes I can identify with much of what you have written.

The last year has been increasingly stressful until the balance tipped and I wasn't coping (again). Via work I accessed 5 therapy sessions and the therapist told me it is very common and often helpful for people who have had therapy/counselling for an extended period of time to need to go back to it after not having any for a number of years.

Almost that you're ready to go onto the next stage, your strong enough to cope with peeling off the next layer.

Ironicaly this seems to come at a time when you actually feel the worse you've felt for quite some time!

Fortunately the citalopram I've been taking for 2 months seems to be finally helping whilst I wait to start therapy (again)!

Thx Garlic, I am on dosulepin to help me stay asleep at night.
Random, yes, the worst I've felt for a long time. But at least it's me no matter how painful, it feels like a thick layer has come off exposing the raw nerves underneath

yep that is exactly how I've been feeling which in turn was better than the years of feeling nothing

How do you choose the right therapist?

No idea mine was via NHS!!!

This one via work was good but again was done via a company.

Not sure I will get one via NHS, I was referred when having sleep probs and the MH team discharged me back to GP immediately. I think I kind of look ok on the outside maybe, I don't know.
Anyone know how to chose a therapist, what 'type' I should look for? If I'm paying I would like to chose well

I spoke to my GP and said I wasn't feeling ok and I was referred to "new thoughts" which is our triage service. Have spoken to them and they feel so far that more pyscotherapy would be beneficial rather than CBT which is what they usually offer.

All you do is speak to your GP first and see where that gets you.

There is some sort of body that they have to belong to etc. Perhaps ask on the mental health topic for information about choosing someone?

The professional bodies in the UK are bacp.co.uk for all psychotherapists and <a class="break-all" href="http://www.babcp.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.babcp.com for cognitive-behavioural ones.

The bacp site has some good info on choosing a therapist. If you're diving through a new layer of your stuff, you might want more in-depth talking therapy than CBT. Have a read around it, see what you think :)

Thanks you both very much. Can I ask what type of 'therapy' you had and what you thought of it?

Also, try to bear in mind that everyone else in meetings may not be as confident as you think they are. Plenty of people portray a confident image when that is not at all what they are feeling (as you do sometimes).

I understand the feelings of shame (or could you call it embarassment?) when you think people are belittling you, lots of us feel that way sometimes, whether it's real or imagined. You are certainly not alone there.

I had group and individual psychotherapy.

The 5 counselling sessions i had via work were with a psycotherapist too.

Nombre..I used to feel like this..I don't think it ever goes away completely but what helped me ( as much as if not more than therapy) was going to CODA meetings ( codependants anonymous).Not sure where you live but everything you describe about how you feel and the fact that you came from an abusive family background suggests that you will identify with this and the
people there.it's amazing..good luck with however you decide to work through things.

I've done, in various combinations: transactional analysis; cbt; interpersonal; inner-child; hypnotherapy/autogenic/mindfulness training; assertiveness training; psychodynamic; narrative ... and they're just the ones I bothered to ask about! Good, experienced therapists have a broad training base and use whatever is most suitable, usually in combination. They're all 'talking' therapies with frameworks and goals.

I should say mine were all qualified clinical psychologists, bar one. At the beginning, it's very important to find a practitioner you feel comfortable with - as in, you can talk to them! Once you've got into the swing of this psychology lark, personality doesn't come into it so much imho.

Read up a bit, pick a few with qualifications and phone them. You should get a free chat or a low-price first visit. Also, try the NHS!

I do rate that MoodGym CBT course highly. It looks all easy-peasy, but goes quite deep :)

Random, I loved group! Well, actually, I hated it - but it contributed so much to my understanding of all sorts of things.

I think I can empathise with the op. I've also had feelings of shame when I've spoken in a meeting whenever I think i've said something stupid or that I haven't been very articulate. I can mull them over for ever, then bury them in the deepest reaches of my mind only to bring them out again when I'm feeling low. It's an incredibly self destructive thing to do and it stems from a lack of confidence and self esteem. Logically I know that probably nobody judges me, remembers or cares what I've said.

It makes sense to me.
I can't quite formulate what I feel about it. I'll have to think and I might come to this later, if I work out what exactly it is, but I wanted to say, yes, it makes sense.

Can totally relate, but not to the abusive childhood, though i of course sympathise.

I get all churned up inside when i speak at meetings and used to have the same thoughts and feelings as you. I hate public speaking, but my job demands it of me quite regularly. I felt like a complete failure and still am not as eloquent as i coould be. My ideas are fine, but i have trouble articulating them adequately.

Anyway, i did a presentation skills course which helped. I also now look around the table and think about how many of the people i know quite well and how many are a similar age/ position to me. I think i used to be intimidated by other people i perceived as more knowing, older, higher rank than me.

I still hate it, and much prefer reflecting and forming an opinion properly before being forced to make a statement, but i've found that good preparation also really helps with that. Once you've made a good contribution you get more confidence. You'll still say things you wish you could say better and occasionally will make a tit of yourself. The key is to keep a sense of humour and laugh at yourself if possible. All the best orators do this.

Thx to everyone of you for your replies, every message has helped. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Re the meetings, some good points which I think I need to remember next time we have one. It doesn't help that the CEO is notorious for having formed his opinions already and not really listening, that definitely doesn't help.

I think meetings do bring out the worst in me but it's not only in meetings that I beat myself up. I have a habit of imagining the worst thing that a particular person will think of me which means it is quite possible (on a bad day) that I will criticize myself for two opposing ideas all in one day e.g, I am normally fairly presentable but I can think a well dressed person thinks I'm a sad scruff and then later can think a scruffy person is thinking I'm superficial for bothering about my appearance, all in the same day! The phrase 'own worst enemy' was invented for me.

honinmyo, I am the child of an alcoholic so CODA could be useful. I have found my local group, thx

garlic, you obviously have a wealth of experience. Which therapy would you think is best for someone who wants to deal with the 'right now' as well as the past, IYCWIM? The counsellor I had before (Gestalt) didn't give me much practical help on how to deal with things now. (Tried the Moodgym once before but didn't find it right for me. Might try it again to see if things have changed)

Which therapy would you think is best for someone who wants to deal with the 'right now' - Thanks for asking :)

They all do! I think your first months/years of therapy tend to focus on the question "How did I get here?" because we are in a sort of shock. It might be comparable to someone coming round in hospital after a bad accident; they need to discover their injuries, figure out what happened, and will go through an intense period of replaying the event in hopes of understanding why they are in pain and if they could have done anything to avoid it. It's a natural process.

When you undertake therapies for psychological injuries, a similar thing occurs. It doesn't really matter if the therapy was aimed at reviewing your 'accident' or not; your mind will make those connections anyway and demand the recovery process. A good psychotherapist guides you to keep applying your learning in the present day, a bit like a physiotherapist teaching the accident victim to walk again.

Having said all that, the most effective sticking-plaster is assertiveness training, imo. I agree with Matane about presentation training and sales training: they combine elements of CBT and assertiveness - very helpful!
I also rate hypnotherapy/autogenic training and meditation for problems like nerves.

For some useful insights into why people interact as they do (and what to do about it), I can't recommend Eric Berne highly enough - the father of Transactional Analysis: "Games People Play" and "What Do You Say After You Say Hello".

Thx very much