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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Too fragile for internet dating

22 replies

DelicateLittleFlower · 27/10/2011 12:18

I want a relationship. There, I've said it. My social life is ok but I just don't meet many men, and those that I do meet aren't really relationship material (they're just looking for a shag or a fling).

So I've ventured into the world of online dating a few times now. And always retreated with my ego bruised and wounds to lick.

A couple of times I've had great conversations with someone, then they've asked to see a picture (images are set to private as don't want to be visible to everyone)...I've sent a couple and never heard from them again. I know I'm not that photogenic but I'm not a total ugloid.

Another I was meant to be meeting on the friday, he added me on facebook then deleted me the next day and I never heard from him again.

Several have vanished after exchanging a few emails leaving me wondering what the hell I've said wrong.

And the couple I've actually got as far as meeting just haven't been for me.

I don't think I will meet someone any other way but I can't take the knocks. I try telling myself I am shopping not for sale, that it's them not me but I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me, and can't help but care that someone I thought had potential isn't interested back.

Isn't it meant to be fun? I find it an ordeal.

OP posts:

Zanywany · 27/10/2011 12:37

Hi Delicate, please join us on the internet dating thread as you will soon realise that the vanishing is one of the down sides of internet dating, it happens to us all. I am in the same position in that I would like a relationship but don't meet single men in my day to day life. I think yuo have to have quite a thick skin (which I don't) to go on the sites too but I keep telling myself that I am lovely, normal with alot to give so I am sure that there are guys out there who are the same.

Original poster

DelicateLittleFlower · 27/10/2011 12:43

Thanks zany, I start off feeling strong and confident and as though I have lots to give...then a few knocks later I feel ugly and uninteresting and as though noone will ever want me! I wish I could develop a thick skin and just not care

OP posts:

SolidGoldVampireBat · 27/10/2011 12:43

You need to stop internet dating for the time being, and work on getting a life.
Right now you're desperate, and that's not a good mindset to be in. It means you put off the reasonable blokes and act as a magnet to the horrors. The only time it's fine to engage in internet dating is when you are looking at it as a good laugh and a way to build up a fund of stories to amuse your friends with.

lubeybooby · 27/10/2011 12:48

Hi delicate. I'd keep a pic on your profile instead, you get more response that way and anyone viewing can make up their mind without contacting you first for a pic, having a great conversation and then leaving you feeling deflated, but on the other hand please don't worry about the vanishing or take it personally, that's a well known internet dating thing. I'm used to it and it doesn't bother me now (or didn't, I'm seeing someone now at last after many years dating on and off)

As for it being fun, yes it can be when you've found your feet with it a little bit but there are good weeks and bad... if I ever got too many of the bad and felt fed up of it I would leave it for a while, hide the profile and re-join when I felt up to it again. it's not just you :)

Original poster

DelicateLittleFlower · 27/10/2011 12:49

I have a life. I just don't meet many men through it.
I don't feel desperate, I wouldn't go out with just anyone and am basically happy with my life...I'm just thinking it would maybe be nice to have someone to share some of it with.

But you're right that I don't find it a laugh, so maybe I should just leave it. I think some of us just take knock backs more personally than others.

OP posts:

happyinherts · 27/10/2011 12:50

Major pitfall of internet dating is to some people it's like candy in a sweet shop - there's always more...and something more interesting, better looking, etc, etc, just around the corner. People are fickle.

I've learnt the hard way too. You have to be very very careful and intuitive. To some the thrill of the chase is all that matters, and despite your personality and character you'll soon be yesterday's date. It's not personal, it's just the way it is.

That said, there are also very positive stories on here about long term relationships and happy marriages founded from the internet, so for some it can work. Maybe for a hundred frogs there's one or two princes, I don't know, but chin up, it's not you, it's them. People are fickle. They don't realise what they lost until it's too late. Try and work on your confidence and self esteem

maleview70 · 27/10/2011 13:29

I agree about having your picture on all the time for everyone to see.

As a man, If I joined a dating site that had say 1000 women available in the age range I am interested in and 800 have photos up, then I wouldnt even read the 200 that dont.

I would also relook at your pictures. Are they the best pictures you could use?

Men can be very visual initially.

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 27/10/2011 13:41

Another possible reason for the disappearing acts is that they could actually be married or in a relationship anyway. There are many threads on here about people finding their DP/DH on internet dating sites - it's probably nothing to do with your picture, they aren't actually single.
(sorry if that sounds cynical, also speaking from experience :( )

Original poster

DelicateLittleFlower · 27/10/2011 13:48

I get lots of messages, even without the picture. Too many to respond to really. But I appreciate that the good ones might be ignoring me based on that.

Last time my ex found out I was seeing someone it all got very nasty and messy so I'd rather not have my face on there for him to find. I just hate how anyone can wander along and see you, you don't even have to be a member to see profiles and it freaks me out. I say on profile I have pictures and am happy to send them if they message me.

Probably not great pictures but as I said I'm not that photogenic. But I get told I'm pretty irl and I get chatted up quite a lot when I go out. I've used pictures that friends have commented favourably on on fb etc.

(I'm taking the piss out of myself with this name btw, I'm not that delicate really!)

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 27/10/2011 13:54

I met my dp on site. It is really like looking for a needle in a haystack but you have to be in it to win it.

I wouldn't recommend using dating sites though unless you are very content with yourself.

As for the piccy, for me it was an absolute must. Always thought that if there was no piccy then there was no point, what did they have to hide an all that.

Original poster

DelicateLittleFlower · 27/10/2011 15:28

I think also I'm very very picky, if I look at the suggested matches there are usually only a couple that I'd even consider...so I message them (attaching a picture-I've learnt not to wait to do that!) but it does mean I'm only ever talking to one or two at a time so maybe notice it more if they don't respond.

OP posts:

flatbellyfella · 27/10/2011 17:16

How can people be so shallow that they can judge your personality by a picture, some of the most beautiful people I know are not photographically good lookers but inside you could not find nicer people. Also lots of the so called "stunners" where I work are right up themselves,& not nice at all.

millieandernie · 27/10/2011 17:22

SGB how on earth did you get desperate from the OP? Because she admits she wants a relationship? That doesn't make you desperate!

And surely the point of dating is to er, date and meet someone, not to create stories to laugh about with your mates.

OP yes it is hard, just keep telling yourself THEY are the ones missing out I guess. And keep being picky, no point talking to people just for the sake of bumping your numbers up.

WibblyBibble · 28/10/2011 17:36

Solidgoldwhatever is kind of a cock about anyone who doesn't share his/her extremely casual and 'postmodern' (read: pretentious, shallow and wanky) attitude to relationships (and I say that as someone who is poly at the moment, so it's not cause I'm a hardcore monogamist rules-folowing type person), so there's one to ignore.

TBH yes I'd put a picture up on the site so that either people can see straight off or if you are ugly (as am I, it's nothing to be ashamed of!) then you weed out the shallow ones straight off. Also some dating sites are full of pathetic knobbers. I have met a few ok people from OkCupid, which is what I'm using at the minute, but would not even bother with PoF or Match as they attract illiterate skinhead tosspots. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, either- just don't let people talk you into compromising on what you want in that respect, because that's when the 'desperate' starts being a problem. You might not ever get a relationship (I sometimes think I won't ever get a live-in one again, and indeed am not sure I want one), and if you can deal with that because there are other things in life too, then you clearly aren't desperate.

WibblyBibble · 28/10/2011 17:37

Oh, and there are sites that only members can see your profile, so use one of those instead! Your ex can fuck right off, though- call the police if he gets threatening.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 28/10/2011 21:33

If you're getting hurt and upset by internet dating, you're too desperate to be doing it. It's far more healthy, both for individuals and society, to regard couple-relationships as an optional extra to life rather than a primary goal. If you really really want a couple-relationship, you're likely to end up with a shitty one.

fiventhree · 28/10/2011 21:46

Interesting discussion.

Tbh, I really want a couple relationship (am in shit long term one atm, but potential lack of one in future still an issue for me).

But I think sgb is right, actually.

Sign!

fuzzynavel · 28/10/2011 22:05

Oy, DP you're an illiterate, skinhead tosspot! .

fuzzynavel · 28/10/2011 22:05

He say's he's working on it.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 28/10/2011 22:49

fiventhree, if the one you are in is shit, why not get rid of it? Being single is better than being lumbered with a partner who is abusive/a drain on you/shit in bed/boring.

FannyNil · 28/10/2011 22:55

Delicate, your story sounds like mine. I have given up and if I meet someone in RL... What I really need to do now is not to mind so much. Looking forward to that...

Snowgirl1 · 28/10/2011 23:54

Internet dating is a roller coaster. You get chatting to someone and get your hopes up, then they disappear - most likely because they've also been also been chatting to someone else on-line, met them and it looks promising so they've stopped chatting to you.

Definitely put your picture on you profile. If guys chat to you without seeing your pic, they will build up an image in their head and then when they see your pic, even if you're attractive, you might not be their type.

I met my DH via internet dating, which is something I never expected. But there were quite a few frogs and a roller coaster ride of ups and downs before I met him.

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