dh & christmas - is this the final straw? (abit of a long one sorry)

[lucy01]

Christmas was a washout - DH's contribution to the event was to (1) go out and get a tree (as requested not off own back) and (2) buy a bicycle bell for dd1's new bike (again, as requested). He didn't buy a single present for the children or his family, wrap a present, help decorate the tree, etc - just sat on the sofa watching tv watching me do it all incl putting the bike together.
I felt positively suicidal on Christmas Day - he disappeared half way through the children opening their presents to go to the car to wrap my presents (3 books, one I have read, one he wanted and one he should know better would not interest me in the slightest).
Lunch was picking at the chrildren's left over poached fish (what they wanted) and dinner was abit of salami and palma ham with bread sticks. I have to say by supper time I was so upset that anything else would have made me vomit. His defense is that I said that I wasn't hungry - when your whole Christmas has been spent with someone who makes scrooge look festive (pre ghost visit) you wouldn't be very hungry either.
I did manage to salvage something of the day by taking the children out to feed the ducks and go to the park. They are only young (2 & 4) but he could have at least made some effort for them - the day was honestly like any other day but with presents for the children in the morning.
I didn't want any big presents - all I really wanted for him to acknowledge that its my Christmas as well. Had to wait until the evening to phone my family and (as usual) pretend that I had a good day so not to upset my mum.
Am I being unreasonable in thinking that he could have made abit of an effort.
I feel that this is really just another example of where I come last. Had a huge row this morning (I've come into work to escape) because I wouldn't have sex. Frankly I don't particularly want to sleep with someone who only shows me affection when he has an erection. The odd kiss and cuddle at other times would be nice.
I know that he does really love deep down and I love him but I'm so unhappy. I seem to spend my whole time lying to him, myself and everyone else that I am happy and things are great. Inside I am crying half the time and the other half I am usually too tired or resigned to the situtation to care.
I know that I am not perfect but I am fed up of this always being my fault - in over 15 years I think that I can count on one hand the number of times that he has appologised or admitted fault (whole or partial).
This morning he asked me if I wanted him to move out. Don't know what to say - threw up twice on way to work at the thought of this.
I don't know what to do - I just want to be happy again. Things are so bad that I have had suicidal thoughts but wouldn't do anything as I wouldn't put my daughters through that (my dad committed suicide when I was 20).

I dont know what to say but wanted to acknowlege your post..

I have been there with the sex thing and alot of the similar situation (although dh always made a huge effort on christmas and birthdays) but it took something drastic to change things for us.

I hope someone will be along soon with some good advice xxx

I'm not very good at giving advice,but I'm posting because I dont want you to feel on your own. Is he always like this or just at christmas? I wont go into my situation because its not fair on you. Take a few moments to write a list of all the positive things in your life including the little things your girls say and do, try and remember anything at all thats positive about your husband ( even if it seems smalll)think about your mum,other family, friends maybe work even. Keep the list and try and add to it every so often.Go home and give your girls a big hug and smile at your dh.Christmas has gone now, dont let it eat away at you. I know I'm not much help, but I do understand

Thanks for your posts.

I know that I shouldn't let it eat me away and that I am very fortunate with a lot of my life but I just feel so empty.

You sound depressed. Have you been to the doctors about the way you are feeling? Agree that your DH was unhelpful over Xmas.

Would you both be willing to go to Relate together? It sounds like you need an impartial third party to try and sort through what is going on.

I also think you should see your gp if you have been having suicidal thoughts.

If you can take these 2 steps it would help you regain some control over the situation.

I'm sorry you have had to cope with the suicide of someone close. I lost my Mum the same way - it is very very hard.

Very sorry that you are having such an awful time lucy. Just wanted to acknowledge this.

Hi lucy01, I'm sorry you had a miserable Christmas. My dh is quite similar, he just doesn't get the idea that Christmas and birthdays are important. He is happy to enjoy whatever other people put on for him, but never puts any effort into making it special for anyone else. This year we went away and stayed at a hotel for Christmas (we recently seperated, and it was a way to avoid the which family thing) I organised and paid for everything, did presents for all my family before we left, and chose, bought and wrapped all the childrens presents. I also paid for everything whilst we were away. Now my dh is unemployed, but he did absolutely nothing for the children, and didn't even buy them the chocolate for their stockings that I asked for (luckily I anticipated this). The only thing he spent money on the whole time was his cigarettes. Oh, and he didn't once say thanks for anything. I find it upsetting, but when I say this he just says he is not a Christmas person (birthdays are even worse - at least he remembers Christmas!). He just doesn't seem to have the capacity to understand how everyone else feels and to take that step to do nice things for other people just because they would like him to. He says he prefers to give people presents when he feels like it. Oh, and he says he doesn't help, because I "like doing that sort of thing" which I do, but that doesn't stop it being stressful! The one thing that I have enjoyed about my seperated status is that I don't have to put his name on the presents any more! In terms of advice, I think that you have to decide what matters to you, make sure he knows it (my dh complained that I thought he should read his mind) and then make your decisions from there. That might be about living seperate lives, or it might be about taking more control of how you live now (for example can you plan to spend next Christmas with your family - or somewhere else that means less stress and more enjoyment for you?) I do hope you are feeling better, and that your work colleagues are supportive.