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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

custody of children?

25 replies

confuseded · 27/10/2011 10:09

can any one explain how this works. DP (not so much the D) and me considering a break up. He says that he would want custody our dd. I am not sure if he truely means it, or how he thinks he would manage, but I am distraught at the thought. Can anyone explain how these things get worked out and whether he could really get custody.

Thanks.

OP posts:

planetpotty · 27/10/2011 10:14

Just sent you a PM

cestlavielife · 27/10/2011 10:23

it isnt cutody it's residence - where they live.
can be shared residence which can be anything up to strict 50/50.
if one parent ahs sole residence the otehr ahs contact time which can be set out.

sole residence only in cases were there is good reason eg welfare issues etc not to have the other parent as shared residence.

you should try talking with a mediator first to try and agree things bewtween you as to where she shoudl live etc - look at parenting plans eg
www.cafcass.gov.uk/PDF/FINAL%20web%20version%20251108.pdf

if you cannto agree then it might go to court for judge to decide...

Original poster

confuseded · 27/10/2011 10:26

Our LO is just a baby, surely they wouldn't take a baby from the mother?

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 27/10/2011 10:27

Do you currently share parenting? Your DP hasn't got a hope in hell of taking your DD away from you FT against your wishes unless you are an extraordinarily negligent parent yourself, but he might get 50:50 shared residence if he puts his mind to it.

Original poster

confuseded · 27/10/2011 10:28

He works FT and I am a stay at home mum at the moment. LO is only 9 MO. I am a v good mum, even if i say so myself

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 27/10/2011 10:32

shared residence is a possibility.

why are you scared of him?

GypsyMoth · 27/10/2011 10:35

Yes,babies are expected to go to both parents for access. Starts small and builds up

Original poster

confuseded · 27/10/2011 10:38

Thank you

cestla - why do you get the impression i am scared of him? i'm interested.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 27/10/2011 10:40

You'll almost certainly get residence, then, but he will be entitled to fairly generous access time unless there are very good reasons why he shouldn't. Just because he isn't nice to you doesn't necessarily mean he won't be a perfectly good father to your LO. At this point, though, what he's saying about "going for custody" (they all say that, funnily enough) is more about scaring you into staying than what he really wants with regard to his child. Get your own legal advice as soon as possible, and don't believe a word your P is telling you while he's on his own agenda.

Original poster

confuseded · 27/10/2011 10:40

...and how do they work it if you and your partner would be living at opposite ends of the country?

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 27/10/2011 10:45

you said "he wants custody" "i am distraught" - doesnt sound like there has been a rational conversation more that he is threatening you with this.

you didnt write "me and my P have been discussing seprating and have been trying to decide where dd should live. he says he thinks she shoudl live with him full time but i dont agree"

you wrote "he wants custody" . which makes me infer he screamed/shouted at you in an argument "well i will get custody of DD! and you will have no say!"

so it was inferrence - and also that you seem to think it could be a posisbility and are distraught. when logic says the maximum would be 50/50 shared residence. doesnt sound like ti was discussion - but an argument in which he declared "well i wil take DD then so there"

i coudl be wrong of course- maybe you did sit and discuss rationally?

so makes me think you scared of him? and how powerful he could be and how he might just might be able to use his power to achieve "custody"?

GypsyMoth · 27/10/2011 11:13

How are you at opposite ends? Ate you planning to move?

He would be able to take bigger chunks of time as she gets older. Once at school, ALL holidays instead of half etc

babyhammock · 27/10/2011 11:27

ILT why would he be able to have ALL holidays?

GypsyMoth · 27/10/2011 11:31

Well it's a possibility with distance if it's going 50/50. Time every Easter half term Christmas etc. Not like he can do a quick mid week or every other weekend

Original poster

confuseded · 27/10/2011 11:36

God, this is awful. i feel sick at the of not having her with me all the time.

cestla - no rational conversations no. They rarely happen around here :(

OP posts:

Original poster

confuseded · 27/10/2011 11:37

ILT I would have to move to live with family for financial reasons.

OP posts:

countingto10 · 27/10/2011 11:44

Have you tried Relate - it all sounds a bit fraught atm. Relate can help you stay together or to split up well. Maybe worth looking into. Help you both communicate better.

fiventhree · 27/10/2011 12:00

In my experience, it is not uncommon for men to state this, but less common for them to carry it out, once they consider the practicalities and the effect on their futures. I had a brother in law who fought and won over generous access with a baby some years ago, but once he got it, it took only a few weeks before he was dumping the child on his mother constantly,and finally he backed down. This is a case of thinking you want something, when you dont really.

Sometimes, it is a statement of revenge or a means of control, too, or proving a point about equity/power.

So dont over worry.

GypsyMoth · 27/10/2011 12:34

Do remember that he can try to stop you moving away with your dd. If he is determined enough. Assume he has PR?

What financial reasons? You aren't working ATM. Do you mean you have secured a job to go to?

cestlavielife · 27/10/2011 12:35

some men do want to be fathers and do want contact. and deserve contact. cant generalise...

Original poster

confuseded · 27/10/2011 12:58

ILT I'm not working at the moment and won't be able to afford the rent if we separate, so I would go and live with my mother. We are only living in an area temporarily at the moment, we are due to move on in a year anywhere, so we have an unknown, undecided destination at the moment, so i don't think he can legally have a problem with me moving, as he can come there too if he wants. I would need child care once I go bck to work, so living near my mother would help with that cost.

cestla Yes, he is more or less a good father...lacks some hands on knowlegde as i do most of the care, and would have a hell of a lot to learn, but I wouldn't deny him contact, but equally need to look out for me and dd as i do think he could use her as a fighting point, as revenge, which i am desperate not to happen, i want to maintain positive relations...but i doo want more than 50%.

OP posts:

mummytime · 27/10/2011 13:38

Okay. Are you in the UK? Is he in the military (just wondered form the moving comment)?
He would still need to fund a home for your child.

A lot of solicitors will give you a free 1/2 hour consultation. Get a list of questions and go and see one. You can also go and see the CAB.
If you move away from him you maybe required to bring the child to him for contact. If he moves away from you, then he will probably have to come and get LO himself.
I would also suggest that if he is making threats, you should get copies of bank statements etc. and post them to your mother. Also if possible get Birth certificates, passports etc. stored in a safe place (with a friend, outside your home).

GypsyMoth · 27/10/2011 14:47

50/50 residency is becoming so common it's almost default for separating parents. I think you should be careful not to get to the point where he takes it to court. That's when things really start to go wrong IMO.

balia · 27/10/2011 15:30

Things do sound very difficult and heated. If you are saying if you separate you will take the DC and move hundreds of miles away then he may be reacting to that by saying the residence thing? You feel sick at the thought of not having DC with you all the time - do you feel there is some reason why he would not feel that, too? Would he be able to keep his job if he relocates to follow you to your mother's?

Have you tried Relate or mediation?

Hassled · 27/10/2011 15:35

I think Relate would be really useful for you both. Not as a means to keep the relationship together, but as a means to separate reasonably amicably. I went with my first DH; it didn't help me especially, but I think it helped him realise that a) it was all really happening and b) he needn't be too much of an arse about it. We did manage to remain friends, and shared the DCs pretty equally (this was years ago now - those DCs have grown up). Just take it all slowly - don't assume he knows what he's talking about, get your own advice, think long and hard before you do anything.

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