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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Staying together for the sake of the kids

15 replies

AreYou · 28/12/2005 10:33

Are you ??? Would you ???

My parents did stay together for our sakes for a while and tbh I hated it, wish they'd split up long before they did and swore I would never ever do the same, yet here I am.

I don't hate him, infact I think I do love him, but am not in love with him. The thought of spending the rest of my life with him makes me want to break down and sob for a week.

Isn't that just selfish though. The kids love him and he loves me, so maybe that should be enough, I don't know.

Feel free to comment, I know I am waffling.

Reg Mner by the way, just don't want dp to read it.

OP posts:

mancmum · 28/12/2005 10:38

if the thought of your future life makes you want to break down and sob for a week, you need to get it sorted as you are going to make your kids life unhappy in the long run...

parents are the primary role model for their kids what example are your giving them that it is OK to be unhappy, unfullfilled, scared to take a risk etc...

I do think you owe your DH some work in seeing if it could be saved talk to him, go to relate, really try and tell him what is at stake... and if that does not work, then you need to work to find a new life that makes you happy happy kids need happy parents not 2 parents together for the sake of it!!

Good luck...

mancmum · 28/12/2005 10:38

if the thought of your future life makes you want to break down and sob for a week, you need to get it sorted as you are going to make your kids life unhappy in the long run...

parents are the primary role model for their kids what example are your giving them that it is OK to be unhappy, unfullfilled, scared to take a risk etc...

Good luck...

mancmum · 28/12/2005 10:39

whoops -- sorry!!

Original poster

AreYou · 28/12/2005 10:40

Thankyou and yes you are right, our relationship is no example to be setting to the kids.

I considered relate but then thought that there was no point because I don't think how I feel will change as I have felt like this for a while now.

I just feel so selfish though.

OP posts:

GoodKingWestCountryLass · 28/12/2005 10:41

I am not staying with my DH for the sake of the kids but something pretty major would have to happen for me to leave him as the kids are our priority now. In your situation, if life were bumbling along nicely, I am not sure I would leave him either. If I was getting depressed with the situation then that would be another matter though as a parent with depression is a pretty awful thing to have as a child kwim?

(((hugs))) It has got to be hard

Original poster

AreYou · 28/12/2005 10:43

Yes i think thats how I feel. Things are just bumbling along and he is happy, the kids are generally happy, it's only me that isn't.

I hide it quite well i think, and wouldn't say I am depressed. Not sure really.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 28/12/2005 10:48

There has to be more than kids keeping you together as as they grow up and develop friendships and their own lives they become less dependent on you and so there needs to be a relationship aswell.Do you do things together as a couple to keep the relationship alive?

thecattleareALOHing · 28/12/2005 10:50

Have you tried counselling? I assume you loved him once. How old are your children?
I sometimes think that thinking of anything as 'for the rest of your life' is enough to make anyone break down and cry. I personally think it is better to think about today and tomorrow.

thecattleareALOHing · 28/12/2005 10:52

And really, I honestly think that saying that you think nothing can change is not a good enough reason to avoid counselling if you have children.
It's got to be worth a try.

If you are depressed then nothing will seem like a good idea, including counselling and including your relationship.

Original poster

AreYou · 28/12/2005 10:57

Kids are under 8's. Don't want to say exactly.

No me and dp don't do anything together or speratly either. We do kids stuff (mind you not much of that either), and thats it.

He doesn't go out ever, I go out very very ocasionally.

OP posts:

thecattleareALOHing · 28/12/2005 11:04

You loved him once? Then why not try to make it work? Counselling, a real effort to do stuff together AND separately. Put some spark back in your life generally.
I do not believe in staying together for the sake of the children, if the relationship is angry, abusive or you have tried everything and are still unhappy. But I think it is sad to give up on something that was once good without making a real effort.

NutcrackingXmas · 28/12/2005 11:05

My parents stayed together for our sakes. Well they split up and then got back together and tbh It was the worst thing they could have done.

They did eventually split and me and my brothers were alot happier.

veuveclicquot · 28/12/2005 11:21

I only decided to stay with DP (he asked me to marry him again but have decided against it, for various reasons, not least his infidelity) for the sake of DD. I just can't bear to think of her being split between two households for the next 16 or so years.

I'd rather be unhappy than see her suffer. I just hope I can carry off the happy relationship.

I also have 2 stepsons (well, DPs sons) who I have been a mother figure to for 10 years. As DP and I aren't married I would hate to think that if we split up I would never see them again.

Glitterygook · 28/12/2005 11:32

I agree with Aloha totally. It doesn't sound as if you hate your dh, or even dislike him at all. You sound to me like you are just stuck in a rut, bored and need some action!

I agree with Aloha in that I think you should make a concerted effort to do things together, and separately - go out with the girls and have some drinks and girlie natter - let your hair down. And try to find time to do stuff with your dh - sort of go on dates! I know it sounds cliched and a bit naff, but it does help. Even if you just go to the cinema or out to eat.

When you've been together for a long time, you can't always be sick with excitement every time you see your dh - you are embroiled in the daily grind of life with kids, work, housework, bills....it gets you down and it takes work to make time to have fun.

Since you don't dislike your dh and there's no abuse going on, I'd say it's worth working at, starting at first with little things like getting out, having fun.

HTH
x

blueshoes · 28/12/2005 11:50

AreYou, how long have you been feeling this way? ie the "rest of my life ... break down and sob" thing.

Having children under 8 is stressful on any relationship. In the grand scheme of things, this time of your/dh's life is probably one of the most fraught in your relationship as a couple. You said dh loves you and your children love him - that is so precious.

This is such a tough call. You have the right to be happy too but can you be happy if you break up your family - now, at this time? My parents were and are unhappily married. My mum threatened divorce many times when I was younger, but the fact was she could not support us and had no where to go and my father would never abandon us, no matter what he felt about his marriage. There was no violence or abuse, just resentment. So they toughed it out. Now that we have all flown the coop, they have reached a compromise - truce almost, with limited contact but still living together and married. I don't know if I would have been happier if my parents had split. It was not fair for my mother to ask me that question - I was a pre-teen then. But I know that as a child, I did worry about my parents' unhappiness as a valid reason for them to divorce. My dad coped by being absent and my mother's dissatisfaction seeped into the family. We were never a closeknit family.

Sorry to babble - my experience did not bring with it any conviction as to how I would react if I were to find myself in that situation. I too am waffling ...

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