Moved from AIBU - Abusive partner has left me and his two children.

[Fatshionista]

DP and I have been together almost three years. We have an 11 month old DD together and I have a 3.5 year old DD from a previous relationship that he has always recognised as his, financially, emotionally and he's on the birth certificate for both. He has a history of being aggressive, especially when he drinks and is one of those men who walk away during an argument, shout abuse if I follow him, barge me out of the way, push me into things, grab me, call me all the names under the sun etc if I want to talk about something he doesn't like. This argument was after a few drinks and I sat him down and said I deserved more from him. I have Fibromyalgia and he constantly complains that I don't get up 6am every morning, have no energy and have bad days where on my worst days I can end up in hospital. I explained that I needed more emotional support from him and financial support as I'd been supporting him the time we'd been together via dead end jobs and benefits when I wasn't working plus our two DD's.

He went off the rails and walked off. I stupidly followed him and told him if he was going to sleep he needed to sleep in our room and not the guest room as I was re-decorating it still. He didn't like that. He started calling me a bad mother to out 11 month old DD because I couldn't stop her crying, pushing me out of the way, getting in my face and then tried to push me down the stairs. He said it was over, got his stuff and started packing. He pushed my new guest duvet out of the window into the rain so I got angry and 'helped him pack' via throwing things out of the front door. He left at 1am.

I've not heard from him. DD1 woke up and said "Why are you crying, Mummy? Has Daddy hit you again?"

I mean, JESUS. If my three year old knows this, what have I done as a mother? Have I failed them? Myself? Him?

I feel completely lost. The house I rent via housing benefit is rented via his uncle so I don't know if I'll be able to still live here. I assume he's either gone to his friends or his mothers who both live around the corner but I have no way of contacting him without going through them which is probably not a good idea since 'MIL' hates me and his friend will fob me off. He told me to keep the kids, keep all the stuff etc and left.

I feel like a failure. I have no idea what to do. I love him so much it makes me sick. I had four hours sleep, woke up with a migraine, spent time on my hands and knees picking up shards of glass from the floor from the picture he smashed and I'm alone with a puppy and my DD's. My best friend is travelling 130 miles to stay with me for a few weeks Saturday morning and my sister knows we've broken up but I'm too ashamed to tell anyone else.

I'm sorry this was long. This is only part of the story. I feel so helpless. I am bi-polar and I am so afraid this will make the depression kick in and I'll be too far gone to help my DD's, let alone myself. I have no real family support, not in practice, anyway.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to send you a (very un-MNetty) hug. So sorry to hear all you have been through.

Hopefully someone wiser will be along soon with some words of wisdom.

Bloody hell.

You are not a failure, you are going through a learning process. You know this is wrong, the relationship is wrong and that DD isnt quite getting the best role models as yet.

However, you have been given one hell of a kick up the arse my dear by your 3 year old and a huge reminder that this needs to change and the motivation to do it.

What is it you love about him? HIM? or the illusion of security and someone there with you?

Go to the GP now and get a head start on your medication to help battle this extra nudge your bi-polar is getting.

Everything else can wait a couple of days. In the mean time, let your mates take care of the kids and you do what you need to do for yourself.

I'm on medication but I need to start taking them more regularly. I have a stash in the kitchen so I'll be okay for medication for a few weeks before I need to get more from the pharmacy.

I love him. I love who he is when he doesn't drink. He's a fabulous father, a great partner, we were looking forward to building a future together and I don't know whether it's me that's the problem, whether this was just one of those things that didn't work out or whether I was naive to think he loved me enough to really change. Our sex life wasn't great (he's a premature ejaculator and can last no more than 45 seconds via penetrative sex, he has "no sex drive" and doesn't care if he never has sex again etc but tried for me - not hard enough to go to a doctor and see about possible problems as we have tried every route except medical) and he lied a lot about silly things but I still loved who he was with me.

Now I'm thinking I loved that he made me feel secure, loved, wanted and part of a family because how could I possibly love someone who thinks it's okay to treat me this way when the moment takes him?

DD1 is very happy. She loves nursery, loves me, loves her little sister and doesn't seem phased by this at the moment but that coming out of her mouth made me break down.

"Now I'm thinking I loved that he made me feel secure, loved, wanted and part of a family because how could I possibly love someone who thinks it's okay to treat me this way when the moment takes him?"

THIS is what you need to keep asking yourself and reminding yourself. You know that answer to it already. It's just remembering that question and answer on your low days.

Fatshionista - so sorry for all the crap you're going through. When your dd 3.5 years says what she said to you when she is at a nursery etc., the staff there will almost probably get social services involved.

What will SS do? Is it support for me or will they want to check the children and keep an eye on them? He's never touched the children to my knowledge, only me. I'm so scared and I feel isolated.

Fatshionista I truly feel for you in this difficult situation and I wish you lots of strength for what lies ahead. It's understandable that you're feeling lost, scared and confused. But you are NOT a failure! But for the sake of your family the next few weeks will be crucial. Here are a few suggestions:

• go to your GP and explain that you are in a tricky personal situation (if you don't want to mention the DV explicitly) and you need to keep things completely together for a while. Please take whatever medication s/he recommends on a regular basis WITHOUT FAIL - this will be the best security against lapsing into depression. If you ever feel like skipping a dose remind yourself that you're doing it for the DC. But also remember that splitting up from an abuser is an incredibly traumatic event which will take a lot out of you - just because you're feeling sad/scared doesn't automatically mean you're lapsing into a chemical depression - it could well just be a natural reaction to all the stress.

• Use the time while your best friend is here to arm yourself with good advice from experts. Find out from women's aid what legal rights you have if he tries to come back into the house - they might suggest you contact the police. Go to Citizens' Advice (with your friend if that will help) and get them to advise you on your financial situation - bank accounts, benefit payments etc so you're on a secure financial footing.

• Do you have a proper rental contract, and is it in your name or his name or shared? To be honest I think the uncle as a landlord is bad news - you should be looking for another place to rent straight away, somewhere where you have no contact to your abuser. It might take a while to find somewhere, hence the need for starting right now. Would it even be possible for you to move in with your best friend for a while, in a totally different town? While your DC are so small you would only need one room between you. You don't seem to have strong family links where you are living, so a clean break might be the best thing.

• I'm not an expert on social services, but from what others have said on MN it's clear that they exist to protect children, not you. Their main concern will be that you are not allowing them any access (or at the most only supervised access at a family centre) to a violent father. Again, I think Women's Aid/Citizen's Advice will be able to help you further.

• You say you still love him. I think it's important you acknowledge this feeling and grieve for what you have lost (a relationship that you thought would work, your dreams destroyed etc), but at the same time recognise that he's not some sort of Jekyll and Hyde figure - being an abuser is an intrinsic part of his personality and he will not change just like that. You weren't naive, but I think were have been deceiving yourself to some extent that a magic wand will be waved and all will be well. I think now you realise that won't happen - you have to wave your own magic wand by taking action to ensure you and your DC stay away from him. Keep what your daughter said in your head like a mantra 'Has Daddy hit you again?', let it remind you all the time of why you HAVE to go through with this.

And once more I wish you strength for what you have to do. Let us all know how things are going.

SS will simply want to know you keeping the Dc safe and away from a violent man. that you recognize that teh relationship is unhealthy and has to end for DC sake and yours.

he has pushed you/DD saw him hit you. that is v damaging for a child as you know.

so long as you now take him at his word and do not let him back in your house/life, then SS can support you all the way - eg they can write letters to housing and so on.

I recall some of your earlier posts and my concern now, as it was then, is that you appear to be living your life on the basis of wishful thinking rather than building it on the solid foundation of what is, and what is not, realistically achievable in your relationship with an abusive and self-obsessed manchild, and with his dm who 'hates you' and his 2+yr old ds from a liaison that he had with another woman while he was ostensibly committed to you.

My concerns are not abated by reading that the father who is named on your elder dd's birth certificate is not her biological father, that you have described a man who hits you in front of your dd as a 'fabulous father', and have said that he makes you feel 'secure, loved, wanted and part of a family' when you are not included in his interactions with his dm and other of his family members.

It also seems that you have gone from a previous abusive relationship into this present/past relationship with another abuser, that you have a dc from each of these abusive relationships, and that the man you previously described as your 'dh' may not be entitled to that status. I also seem to recall that you had aspirations of becoming a childminder but it appears that you are now training to be a counsellor.

Honey, I'm getting a distinct feeling that you are playing at 'happy families' and that emotional need and a lack of self-esteem, possibly exascerbated by your bi-polar disorder and other health problems, may be causing you to enter into and cling onto unsustainable and abusive relationships long after more confident women would have given up in disgust at what they had unwittingly allied themselves with.

I'm sure you know that, in all probability, he's gone back to his mummy and you are best advised to ensure that he stays there - or anywhere else except in your home with you and your dc.

To this end, I would suggest that you call the Women's Aid Helpline on freephone 0808 2000 247 or 808 2000 247 from a mobile (calls charged at network rates) for immediate support and advice, and that you ask your GP for a referral for assessment for the most appropriate pyschotherapy to enable you to break what could become a longlasting destructive pattern of entering into relationships with abusive men who have no respect for you while you invest your whole being in them and continually persuade yourself that living with them would be wonderful 'if only'.

I do. I am in desperate need of love due to my low self esteem. I had aspirations of vecoming a childminder to work around my own children but have realised that counselling is something I'm drawn to and quite good at.

I need to think of this in terms of me and my DC's not us as a family. I have drawn a line under him. We are apart, he will see his children if I'm here or at his mum's house on the days I specify and I need to go to counselling to figure out my own issues. I have realised I am no good to my DC's as a victim and need to be stronger. They don't deserve to grow up thinking this is the norm.

I plan to be alone and not see anyone for a long while. I don't intend on introducing my DC's to a man if he is not 'the one' - although my judgement so far has been terribly flawed.

One day at a time. I know you'll feel as if calamity and loneliness is rushing towards you as fast as an express train, but pause, breathe, take your meds and just concentrate on tidying up the broken glass and finishing what you were doing before this latest episode happened.
You cannot help being bipolar - it's genetic and you are coping. He chose to hit, shout, call you names and break things. If he knows he gets aggressive when he drinks, he needs to do something about that.
Do call WA and talk to someone about what you want to do re police etc, even if it is just to report it. No one whatever they say deserves to be hit.
Don't worry about the big stuff now, your friend is coming to give you some support so get warm, get comfortable so that you and the DCs feel safe for the next hour, couple of hours and night. (((hugs))).

Don't beat yourself up for past errors of judgement, honey.

It takes many inidividuals a lot of years to gain insight and recognise the ways in which lack of self-esteem can adversely impair sound judgement and lead to illusion/delusion about the true nature of their relatonships and their interactions with others and, of course, some never achieve clear-sightedness in matters emotional

Many empathetic and effective counsellors have come from a place of 'lack' and I hope that one of them will be able to facilitate your personal growth and empowerment.

Although children/dc can prove to be the exception to this rule, before you can truly love another you need to be able to love yourself.

Until such time as you can engage in an appropriate psychotherapy for your specific needs, be kind to yourself - award yourself regular pampering days and check out Brad Yates's EFT (emotional freedom technique) videos on youtube - it only takes a few minutes to repeat his words and actions and if you persist twice daily for a week or so, you may find that it stimulates a sense of well-being without the need for 'happy pills'.

look at this as a lucky escape YOU are NOT a failure, you're violent , deadbeat waste of space Ex DP is,I cant he believe he abused you whilst you were ill.

The OP has had two lucky escapes Rollon but she may not be so lucky next time - and I seem to recall an old adage about good and bad events going 'in threes'.

While the OP is obviously not a 'failure' per se, she does need to examine why she has failed to hear the alarm bells and see the red flags or heed the warnings when she invests her body, heart, and soul, into the bankrupt stock of an abusive male.

Given the OP's past history, I wouldn't want to place money on her being third time lucky unless she takes time to get to know, love, and respect herself before embarking on another relationship.

This is going to be hard (you need to be as strong as iron for those girls) but this is a wonderful opportunity to move house somewhere lovely where you will not live in an unpredictable environment but peace and security without him You are enough for your children & for yourself. You can do this.