One week separated - Porn Addiction

[Bobits]

Hi all,
Will be a week tomorrow I and xdp have seperated due to his porn addiction.

I am in an emotionally strong place - I know Ive made the right choice for the right reasons.
Spoke to an addictions councellor today - It REALLY helped.

I am lost for what to do now -
xdp was not an evil man, just misguided. He chose his lust over us and did not have the courage to do the right thing.

Not sure whether to encourage him to seek help.

I know his actions and choices are not my responsibility,
but he will always be my dd's father.

I don't want to save him but should I point him in the right direction to save himself for the sake of our dd?

I'm scared to even think this - but a sex addiction is what it is, and our beautiful baby dd will be a teenager some day.

What do you mean by 'the right direction'? Lifelong celibacy? Also, did his 'porn addiction' take the form of abusing you and DC, or do you mean that he disagreed with you about porn and didn't think you were entitled to police his choice of viewing material?

Sorry for not being clearer.

by right direction I just meant getting councelling, to work out for himself he uses it for the wrong reasons.

NO abuse ever, I really didnt mean to imply that, but im just worried over where this may lead to - probally over reacting and thinking the worst.

you cannot help him Bobits, he has to want to help himself.
I read your last thread and l don't think he really wants help at the moment.

I ma glad to here you are feeling positive. Stay strong

'You can 'signpost' him to the help he needs, if you feel you want to and that's what you want him to do to save your relationship.

It's whether he takes it up and is prepared to commit to a lengthy process - not just mouth the words and expect you to accept he's 'cured' after a session.

Don't be making appointments for him.

Thankyou,

Helvetica and Doha - I think your right

Buzz - Its not to save our relationship, and would just be passing on a phone no. Its a worry what kind of example and role model he will be for dcs though.

You have ended the couple-relationship with this man, therefore whether or not he chooses to watch porn or use webcams is no longer any of your business. You are entitled to your opinions about porn, and to decide you do not want to maintain a relationship with a man who looks at porn, but once you are out of the relationship, it;s up to him whether or not he continues to look at porn. He may not think he needs help. Preferring to masturbate and use porn to engaging in a couple-relationship doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with a person - couple-relationships are not compulsory.

Think its a bit of a leap to think that the porn addiction will mean your daughter is a risk, assuming no under-age porn is involved?

Its a worry what kind of example and role model he will be for dcs though

Is there any reason why his dc should be aware of his prediliction/addiction given that, presumably, he won't be inviting them to watch porn with him?

This goes hand in hand with what I'm sdaying Izzy. Assuming the porn did not relate to under age, or perhaps teenage.

I cross-posted with you Parsley which proves that great minds do indeed think alike [hgrin]

Until the OP provides more information as to the extent of her ex's use and the nature of the porn sites he is 'addicted' to, together with her view of how he interacts with his dd, there is no reason to suppose that he'll be setting a bad example or be a less than positive role model for his dc.

However, from her comment our beautiful baby dd will be a teenager some day it may, rightly or wrongly, be assumed that her ex is 'addicted' to teenage porn.

Yes. And I think the OP does not NEED to tell us (reference to a kicking off thread in ~AibU....but she can take action based on what we have said.

OP if this is worse case scenario, there may be access issues you can discuss with solicitor, etc.

Thanks again all for your feedback, it's been great :)

The story of us is here :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1325772-Soo-long-soo-sorry-men-are-creeps
if anyone wants to have antmore insight as to the situation,

It's not only that it's porn, it could be that it is a gambling/alcohol additction and my xdps preference to put it before our reelationship and family.

But point well taken - I shouldn't be worrying about him at the moment.

And the worry of risk is just me thinking worst case scenario.

Can you do that as a link Bobbit, ticking the convert links box?

Hi Bobits

I was in exactly the same position over a year ago. It really wears your down.
You try to be positive thinking "oh well it's not too bad, he's not out with other women - it's just cyber. But it erodes your respect for them and eventually yourself.
I couldn't look myself in the eye. My XH had/has gambling issues and is just generally financial irrisponsible. He earns more than me but getting maintenance for our daughter is like getting blood out of a stone!

Anyhoo what i really wanted to say is I understand your worries about your little girl. My little woman was 3 yesterday. And for the past couple of years I sometimes get sinister thoughts about what my XH is capable of.
Now he is a good dad (although being financially irrisponsible and addicted to cybersex sullies my view of that). he takes her about 30% of the week and for an hour here or there outside of that.
She seems happy and relaxed with him.
But I had my fears. I spoke with him about them. I had too. I also spoke to peers from Al-anon and Gam-anon both of which I attend.

And now I feel it's going to be OK. But I'm hypervigilant. If I ever thought he was jacking off in front of computer while she was awake I'd freak out. But I guess I'll never know for certain.

It's hard

'www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1325772-Soo-long-soo-sorry-men-are-creeps'

Is that the link?

Thanks Nancy,I guess because its an addictin its so much worse.
Any normal person (whats normal lol!) would do whatever chores done, sort the kids then 'relax' in front of the p.c ONLY WHEN they're safe in bed.
Something during the day would 'trigger' him off (i don't even know what) and it would be like the lights are on but theres no-one home in his mind - and i knew he would not be there until he'd gone online and done whatever he needed.

And then you get sucked into the maddness, mistrust, suspicion, doubt and cant tell anyone in RL. So you have to carry this burden all on your own.

"http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1325772-Soo-long-soo-sorry-men-are-creeps"

"Preferring to masturbate and use porn to engaging in a couple-relationship doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with a person - couple-relationships are not compulsory"

this is true.

But let's not forget there are men who are so porn addicted that they lose perspective about the relationship they are in, they start to expect their partner to have sex in the way they see it portrayed in the porn they watch, and this can put enormous pressure on their partner.

There are also men who watch it every night, and who try to make their partner feel that they are somehow abnormal for 1. not wanting to watch it 2. not approving of porn and 3. not engaging in the activities they see portrayed. They also blame the woman for their porn addiction

here speaks bitter experience

Hairylights: Yes, and in that case the partner has every right to end the relationship, but not to police the partner's behaviour subsequently.

Yeh, I agree with SGVB.

I left my husband for preferring a computer and a tea towel to intimacy with me. I think I am better off and he is a sad git but am now relieved I can stop giving a toss (sorry, pun not deliberate) what he is up to instead of feeling like crap every time I knew he had enjoyed a quiet night in his (separate to my) bedroom with his laptop. I don't think it is any longer any of my business.

The plus side is I am safe to dry washing up in the safe knowledge that none of my new tea towels have ever been left in a crusty heap under his bed. :o

Rodwina - no, that's not it at all.

Thick or what? Have a

Oh Bobits, sorry, I didn't read your post properly; I didn't realise he would just drop everything and go off on his own at any time of day. I understand why you are worried now. I guess all you can do is discuss your worries with him and get him to agree that he does not ever leave anything lying around or do anything when he is looking after dd. If he ever breaks that trust then you would need to reconsider.

Rodwina, I don't know what COULD he have done to the tea towels that left them all crusty?

Link to Bobits previous post:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1325772-Soo-long-soo-sorry-men-are-creeps