How can you work out how you and DH divvy up stuff - and what's reasonable?

[LadyCora]

I work 3.5 days a week but am self-employed so can work from home and do regular hours (although this can - and often does - mean last minute stuff done in evening). DH five days but has a v long commute at mo (over 1.5 hours on public transport).
This means he leaves before the DCs get up, and doesn't come home until they are in bed. I do all the night wakings with DC2 (he never hears her he says), and make the meals for DC1 and 2 for the childminder. He will usually cook for us in the evening which is nice.
I just feel totally knackered - mainly cos DC2 isn't sleeping - and end up getting upset because he doesn't seem to see the other stuff that needs doing at weekends - offering to sit with the DCs when they have their lunch at weekends but wanders off to look at emails/play computer games; never changes nappies or does bathtimes unless I specifically ask him too (and then he would much rather cook which he enjoys than do the bathtime routine); never offers to do the washing or anything like that. I did that all when on mat leave, so I can see why he might not think about it.
I know he has a long working day and gets knackered. I don't know if I am asking too much.

If DC2 slept then maybe this would all be not a problem. (and if i didn't go down with every cold going as well so feel lousy).
I can't decide whether even by raising this I am being unreasonable and he has long days so I can't ask him to do more. What do other DHs do? And how did you agree what you were doing?

So he works five days a week, normal working hours (travel times don't count as he's not driving, cycling or walking).
You work seven days a week, since when you're not busy with income-generating work you're doing all the childcare, including nights, and housework.
Does that seem reasonable to you?

well no, but I don't know how to express that; we need his money as he now earns much more than i do, so it's difficult not to see his job as more important, and thus difficult to ask to do more with DCs etc.
I don't have to be in an office suited and booted every day would be his argument - whereas he does.

The usual, and very sensible answer to this question on MN is that you should both have equal leisure time. So, if you have time to relax and do nothing during the week (and this DOES NOT include time you have spent looking after the kids) then he should have a similar amount of time at the weekend, and vice versa.

Don't pick up the slack for him. If he's supposed to be looking after the DCs while you relax or do other things, walk away and don't interfere, unless of course you think someone is going to get hurt. Don't do his washing or ironing, each capable person should do that for themselves IMO.

BTW if you're getting up every weeknight with your DC then your DH should be doing at least one weekend night, if not both. You can't possibly survive on no full night's sleep ever. If he doesn't hear them, wake him up.

I now work FT with a commute slightly less than your DH (DS at uni), I used to work PT plus commute and all the family stuff - absolutely no comparision, childcare / housework etc. plus paid PT work much, much harder, especially is you have a child that doesn't sleep through (I know what that's like!).

Could you go away to visit a friend for the weekend and give him a wake up call regarding what needs doing (& I don't mean prepare all the meals in advance), basically what you do that he doesn't see.

Definitely stop doing his washing, ironing - you don't suffer if he slips up on that. What's with the offering to do lunch & wandering away???

That's a good idea on the weekend night idea. I just am feeling so crap because of lack of sleep...which is why I get fed up.
I'd LOVE to have at least a day away.
Ive stopped putting his clothes away but that just means they lie around for ever which drives me nuts.
LadyL - I think it's just that with being away during the week he just doesn't quite get it that you have to be on the case with young children the whole time. I don't quite understand it myself. Then I just end up sounding like a nag...

I work 3 days a week and DH 5 days outside the home. Have done since no.2 was born.

I honestly can't remember how we divvied up chores when they were tiny - it is all a blur now, but I do remember feeling very hard done by at times, and that we were always trying to out-do each other with everything we had done/had to do. I definitely did all the shopping/cooking and most of the washing/cleaning (had to nag him to do some, still do ), but he did do his share-ish of the childcare when he was at home. Sometimes needing to be nagged reminded though.

Is this man a child or an adult. Why are you making excuses for him. He is perfectly capable of getting up in the night, doing housework and childcare when he is home. He just doesn't WANT to.

What he earns is irrelevent unless it's enough to pay for full time 24/7 childcare, a cleaner, personal shopper, gardener, chauffeur, laundry person, etc? This is the value that you currently add to the household so please do not let him try the old 'my work is more important than yours' whine.

I don't have to be in an office suited and booted every day would be his argument - whereas he does - This is NOT an argument. It doesn't even make sense! Does he get annual holiday? Days off if he's sick? Weekends? What do you get?

What does he do for the 3 hours he is relaxing on public transport.

You are both busy from the moment he leaves for his work to the moment he returns. All other times - morning, evening and night - you should share the housework/childcare equally. He is not 'helping you out' he is just dealing with his responsibilities as a husband and father.

Stop taking his crap, treat him as the adult he is. For example, Ive stopped putting his clothes away but that just means they lie around for ever which drives me nuts - then don't wash them. Leave them dirty until he realises he has no clothes. He will then wash them, dry them, iron them and put them away himself. If he doesn't put them away, put them on his side of the bed. If they get crumpled he will have to re-iron. It won't take long before he gets the message.

Sheesh!

Please try reading this book. It would be great if your DH could read it too as it would really open his eyes as to how much you do that is 'unseen' (e.g. remembering what needs to go on the shopping list). But even if he doesn't read it, you reading it should help you work out what you want to say to him and help you both work out a fair solution.