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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you stop loving someone??

23 replies

juicychops · 27/12/2005 21:14

Me and my dp split up on xmas eve. I told him a few weeks ago that i am so unhappy the way we live. He is so so selfish.He walks all over me. i do everything and i get it thrown back in my face. i never go out as he doesn't like looking after ds but he goes out whenever he wants - 5 times in the last week. We agreed to call it a day as he said he knows he is selfish but thats the way he is and he wont change for nobody. He is due to move into the flat we just bought on 30th Jan so until then we are living in the same house. Im gunna ask my dad if i can stay there for a couple of weeks but i cant stay longer than that cos its too cramped. Im tryin to get him to find somewhere to go for the rest of the time.
I still love him so much but im just not in love with him. i'd rather be on my own but i cant let go and have no hope until he is gone.
tonite we was havin a nice evening in together. was gunna go through money stuff and sort some things out. we was watching a film. half way through he got a text then went upstairs and said im going out then went. I know we arn't together any more but its hurting me so so much. He says he just cant be around me. i cant take this. i just wish i could stop loving him so that i could move on easier. Been crying ever since he left the house. I don't know what to do. I wish i could leave now. I hate being here with him. its killing me. i just feel dead inside and its the worst feeling in the world.
someone help me please........

OP posts:

7777777 · 27/12/2005 21:23

you poor thing!i think you should show him you can be the same (unless you have kids and cant go out willy nilly of course).play him at his own game and go out as much as you can and keep smiling, itl piss him off if youre not showing its really upsetting you. as for how do you stop loving him, you cant. it happens naturally. itl be hard for months, or years, but one day youl wake up and think wot a shitbag im betr off with out you. is it a definite finished or you think you can sort things out?

bsg · 27/12/2005 21:25

Usually when you are in love with somebody you have all these feelings about that person. You are talking as if you want to be with him. Do you or don't you? If you just love him like a friend or a bother then living with him for a while longer won't really hurt. If you are actually in love with him and it is him leaving you, then that is a different story. Please clarify exactly what it s that you want from this relationship. Do you want it to finish or not?

7777777 · 27/12/2005 21:29

bsg i think perhaps your message comes across as quite blunt and might upset the reader, i think shes upset enough as it is. poor girl sounds like she doesnt know what she wants which is quite usual and thats probably why shes waffled on her message.

thecattleareALOHing · 27/12/2005 21:29

It's hard to be with someone you are trying to break up with. It sounds to me that in your head you KNOW you are doing the right thing (and your head is IMO more important and 'real' than your heart) and I applaud you for that. What is making it difficult is still living with him, so you experience hurt and pain all the time. As you look after ds HE should be the one to leave until the flat is available. It is not fair on you or your son for him to mess you around. He is incapable of being the person you want him to be and once he is not physically there it will be much easier for you. When you say 'we' bought the flat, what is the situation?

Original poster

juicychops · 27/12/2005 21:32

i definately dont want to be with him anymore. Definately not!! he has hurt me so much over the last year and he treats me like a slave. i know im a million times better off without him. i dont think i love him any more.i dont want to love him any more. i care so much about him and want him to be happy but not with me anymore. but i thought that now we have split up, his selfishness wouldn't affect me. but it does and it hurts even more cos i look at it as i wanna make the most of the last few weeks we have together as a family but he is deliberately being horrible just to avoid me and ds unless he wants somethin cos thewn it is a different story!

OP posts:

Original poster

juicychops · 27/12/2005 21:35

thecattleareALOHing we got a joint mortgage out and it is all nearly completed. but ive asked for my name to now be taken off so im just waiting for that to happen

OP posts:

thecattleareALOHing · 27/12/2005 21:35

Stop thinking that you want to 'make the most of it'. You know what he is like. He isn't going to change. He will behave badly because that is what he does. Your dreams are hurting you here. He is not worthy of the hopes you are pinning on him. If you expect nothing you might actually be happier. You are in a very, very difficult and unpleasant situation and he is determined not to make it any easier.

gggimmesnowsnow · 27/12/2005 21:36

That is such a good line Aloha " your dreams are hurting you here...."

Original poster

juicychops · 27/12/2005 21:39

Thats probably true. i was looking forward to moving into our flat together. we had our wedding booked for august 12th next year. It just feels like everything i ever look forward to is just a big disapointment. i just feel like such a fool for putting up with it all for so long

OP posts:

lou33 · 27/12/2005 21:40

I'm sorry to hear your news juicychops. I'd agree with everything aloha said. Despite knowing it's what you want, you cant just switch all feelings off, it's bound to be hard. My h and i separated in nov, but he is staying with me and the kids over xmas and new year, until he goes to india in jan, and it is emotionally hard. Both of us know it is over, but it doesn't mean you stop caring about the other completely. I hope you can get through this next period relatively unscathed.

bsg · 27/12/2005 21:47

I have justed started another thread about how hard it is to raed your posts Juicychops because of the language and abbreviations that you use. i find it hard to see why you would cut certain words whilst typing. I was told on my thread to tell you to your face so that is exatly what I am doing. I hope you manage to sort your situation out. Whether you choose to take offence at what I have written is up to you but it is something that really annoys me.

thecattleareALOHing · 27/12/2005 21:50

I've actually got no problems with your posts. I think your situation is very sad. I am sure it will be easier once he moves out. Make sure you are fully covered legally though. If you are on the mortgage then you are liable for the mortgage (all of it!). Have you contacted the mortgage company yourself to explain the situation?

merrySOAPBOXingday · 27/12/2005 21:57

Gosh bsg - nothing like panning someone when they are down is there!

IMO Juicychops posts are a damned sight better written than many others I've seen on here!

Juicychops - I know from experience how awful it feels when the future that you had planned as a couple is not there anymore.

It takes a while to build a new vision of the future as a single person but you will, you really will That future has every good chance of being miles better than the one you are giving up right now. It certainly did in my case.

Have some faith in yourself and in your decisions. I hope it comes right for you in the long run

welshboris · 27/12/2005 22:10

It gets easier juicychops. Its hard now, but trust me, it gets easier

Hopefully soon you will be happy, the memories of you as a couple will have faded, you would have met someone else and DS will have a good realtionship with his dad.

Good luck to you, and please dont text him if you can help it, the agony of sitting there waiting for a reply is too much to take x

newglitterfairyyear · 27/12/2005 22:32

Juicychops I really feel for you. Whether you love someone or not aloha is absolutely right it is is the loss of your dreams and hopes which is hardest to bear and until new ones come along very very difficult.

I am sick of people telling me to move on. I will but when I am ready and so will you. It is only natural to havea period of grief and mourning because you are losing someone and a life together as well. Just as if there has been a death and every memory is painful. Move on when you are ready and let it be painful and sad that is natural.

spruceylucy5 · 27/12/2005 22:33

Just wanted to show you support juicy chops.

twotonetinsel · 28/12/2005 00:08

bsg, please correct and write out the following spelling mistakes 3 times each.
raed
i
exatly

Juicy, I like the style of your posts, nice and colloquial. And I agree that it is the close proximity of your p that is making it harder to bear. You can't suddenly switch off feelings and become detached enough to get out of the habit of reponding emotionally to the situation. Good luck, it should become easier once there is some distance between you.

MyXmasPuddingSixpenceworth · 28/12/2005 00:18

So sorry that you are feeling like this. Perhaps you could go to relate - they are not just about patching up relationships, but can help you deal with the end of a relationship and work through your mixed emotions. Wishing you all the best. xxxxxx

sarahinphuket · 28/12/2005 01:07

juicychops
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I haven't really got any advice, just wanted to show support.

BSG as for you - you should be ASHAMED of yourself. How thoughtless, rude and insensitive you are. What a bitch.

WellieMum · 28/12/2005 01:24

juicychops, good on you - you're doing what's right for you and ds. It must be so horrible right now but it will get better, and ds will thank you one day.

By the way, your posts are very clear - don't listen to the weirdo.

bsg · 28/12/2005 09:55

Juicychops
I don't really know where to start. I would like to apologise for what was written last night about your post. I wasn't on the computer last night. My dh was on and came onto mumsnet and started a very horrible thread connected to you. He told me to check mn this morning. When I saw the thread I was truly shocked, annoyed, upset and so bloody angry. He said he thought it would be funny. I don't see anything funny about it and I am trying to apologise for what he did.
A few people have already said that they do not believe that it wasn't me. I can understand why they would think that. I hope you are ok and I hope you receive some advice on here from some real mumsnetters. I am sorry. Kelly

7777777 · 28/12/2005 15:51

hi juicy chops, hope you feeling a bit more positive about the future today.xx

benbenandme · 28/12/2005 21:40

I too know from experience that it will get eaier - not easy, but more bearable. I totally agree with the comment about your dreams are hurting you - I too know I don't want ex-dp back because I could never trust him again, but it makes me unbearably sad to think of everything we planned for ds's future (brothers/sisters, family holidays, etc) now not happening.

At first it is such a horrible feeling but gradually it will fade and you will feel stronger. Every day I try and think of one reason why I'm happier with my life this way (eg. no more inlaws, no more ironing shirts, no more loo seat left up etc...) Try and see the positive in what you can, and I know its a cliche but try and think about what YOU want to do with your life - I have just booked a fear of flying course and am going to take ds to Lapland next year - I am petrified as I haven't flown for 20 years as I have a huge phobia about it but it is something that I want to achieve and do for ds sake.

It will take time, it has been 5 months so far for me and there are still days when I just want to stay indoors all day and feel miserable but overall those days don't happen very often now. Please keep posting, I found it helped a hell of a lot, and enjoy your children - I have a much closer bond now with ds now than I did when ex-dp was here. Appreciate what you do still have

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