New relationship after breast cancer - sorry, long

[EHoneybadger]

Hi, I have been plucking up the courage to ask if anybody else has experience of this and here goes!

I had breast cancer 7 years ago age 35. I had a total mastectomy even though the cancer was caught early as I knew it gave me the best chance of long term survival/cure. I went on to have a reconstruction and at the same time had the breast tissue on the other side removed and reconstructed. I have a real nipple on that side and a reconstructed and tattooed nipple on the other side. (sorry if that is a little TMI but it is the thing which I am most hung up on)

I was at the time married to a man with his own problems. He had problems with intimacy and a porn habit which just became worse after I had had surgery and we hardly had sex after (maybe twice a year). He told me scars gave him flashbacks to previous traumas and cellulite gave him flashbacks to dead bodies.

I gave up really, put on weight and accepted this was how life was until a combination of a good job and a wonderful friend started to make me believe it might be possible to hope for more. I left my husband 2 months ago and have started to lose weight. I can see the old me coming back and am starting to realise I am still fairly attractive. Superficially I am quite pretty and smiley and seem confident and now my figure is coming back I have had some attention from men although have not taken it anywhere.

Anyway, I met a lovely man recently through a friend. He wants to see me again and I would like that. It is very early days and will maybe go nowhere but I have started worrying about what might happen if it becomes physical. My instinct and desire is to tell him early on about my surgery. I am terrified of getting close to someone and them finding it repulsive; I would rather know straight away if it is likely to be a problem. My friend has seen it and says it just looks like I have had a boob job and don't necessarily need to say anything as it is unlikely he would notice. I would feel uncomfortable and dishonest even if he didn't TBH.

I just wondered if anyone here has any experience or advice? Male perspective welcome also although please be a bit gentle, I am still quite frightened. Thanks for reading this looong post if you have got this far. :)

Well, deary me I have something in my eye after reading your post x

I can only say what I would do. I would be upfront (as it were) about your surgery. It sounds like a cliche, but it is sooooo true, that if he is a good man he will accept you as you are. he will admire you for your stength and your determination to move on from something so traumatic.

By that I mean both your breast cancer treatment and the relationship with your ex (I think I remember you posting about him before....he sounds like he has truly awful, irredeemable issues about women...)

I want to wish you all the luck in the world, but you know what, if you take it slowly, telling him how you feel and he is a decent man as you say, I think you will be fine x

I haven't had a mastectomy but I do have terrible scarring on my abdomen from major surgery 20 years ago. I have a thick scar from my sternum to my pubic bone which meets a bikini line incision. It was done in a hurry so not the neatest of incisions. I also have very severe stretch marks so all in all I look like I've survived a Jack the Ripper style attack. I'm not paticularly overweight but I have lots of loose overhanging apron-like bits of flesh. Delightful!

After coming out of a long relationship last year I met a new partner a few months ago and it really doesn't bother him at all. I told him about it beforehand and made sure I was comfortable with the lighting etc beforehand. The last thing you want is for someone to say something which might upset you so if you explain that you're self conscious (and why shouldn't you be?) hopefully he will be sensitive to your feelings. Within a couple of weeks I didn't give it a second thought.

Anyone worth bothering about will love you and your body as you are. Tell him at some point that you are a breast cancer survivor, but not necessarily about the reconstruction in depth.

I think fidgetysheep is right about most men not really noticing too !

You are doing wonderfully- so keep it up.

Given that one in nine women will have breast cancer, it is going to be a part of many couple's lives- before or after they meet.

You have to tell him, but really, I don't think he will think it's a big deal that you have a false boob and nipple. I don't think you should make a big deal over it when you tell him- yes, tell him about your cancer of course, but it will be enough to say you had a breast removed but had a reconstruction.

You are much more than a boob!

Yes, tell him - you don't need to go into too much detail, just enough so knows you've been through the mill a bit. I would also, when the time is right, give him time to have a look in a non-sexual context (eg just getting into the bath) - sometimes what we imagine is much worse than the actual thing.

Go for it girl.

I can speak from my own experience here. Not one lover since I had my reconstruction 5 years ago has had an issue with it. I now have a nipple but am still waiting for my tattoo

Some I have told before hand in a matter of fact way (I feel that way about it now, love me as I am etc)

Some I have told just before the moment of undressing

Some I have just plain forgotten to tell at all in the heat of the moment

Reactions you will get are:

Eh? where? oh ok

They sometimes get confused as to which one 'works'. I don't always tell them immediately I can't feel a thing in the new one when they are being attentive

Did you have an operation? oh, ok (if they actually noticed before I had a new nipple)

So no, its not a problem. Not for serious, casual, young or more mature...

Go enjoy yourself

Oh and its entirely up to you to say if you've had cancer or not. It is no one else's business. Its not like some legal requirement to tell but you will do it if you feel you want to share. You are more than boobs or a previous illness.

And who's to say that any partner you choose won't have his own issues? If you date someone of a similar age then the chances are something will have dropped off or not work as well as it did 20 years ago. My partner has foot drop from a motorbike accident and I didn't notice he had a limp until he told me.

Funnily enough, we did have a really honest discussion recently about what physical "anomolies" we would struggle to deal with in a prospective partner and we both agreed that a false leg would be fine but the jury's still out on dentures! How shallow is that? A reconstructed boob didn't even come into the conversation as I suspect most people know of someone who has had such surgery so it's not hugely unusual.

I have breast cancer and have a whole variety of scars from that and from other past surgery. My lovely partner in life couldn't care less. He loves me as I am, and vice-versa. Love drasticpark's comment about something having dropped off by now - probably true! Unless both people are supermodels with a contract for swimwear shots, everyone will have wobbly bits, knobbly bits and scarred bits somewhere. But we're all loveable.

Thanks so much all of you for your advice and for sharing your stories; it is lovely to hear so many positive experiences.

I am glad I asked for advice as I am prone to being open and not massively inhibited in conversation so may have just freaked him out with too many gory details. I think I will bring it up in conversation but just mention the reconstruction and not the details.

He is a lovely, kind, gentle, genuine man so hopefully it will not affect the way he sees me. I won't see him now for a couple of weeks but I promise to keep you updated over the weeks. Please keep your fingers crossed.

Thanks again for being so kind and supportive. :)

I havent experienced anything like this myself but didnt want to read and run after seeing such positive stories.
E Honey he sounds really nice. Just relax and enjoy the early part of the relationship the dating,conversations etc. When the sex happens just try to relax and enjoy it. Glad your not with your ex anymore.
No offence meant but what a knob.

Hiya,i hope you come back to read this.
I had double mastectomy when i was only 27.I had reconstruction and one boob is very nice but the other has a flat nipple and is harder than the other.
I got divorced 7 yrs ago and went through a period of adjustment healing and rediscovery. (well ok shagging) I kept my bra on if it was casual and said id had a boob job when it was more meaningfull i just told the truth.I had a couple of really good relationships with younger men and eventually married one.He thinks im amazing for what i have been through and says it makes him love me all the more.
You have survived cancer not killed anyone. Good luck xx

Thanks ledkr, I do keep popping back although it will be a while until I have an update. Thanks again all of you, I am feeling hopeful rather than gloomy about the impending conversation if and when it happens.

I meant to say when i met dh i kept my bra on for a bit,then when he told me to take it off he said "wouldnt a woman your age have issues with their boobs now anyway?" cheeky sod but true as i was 40.
I also hoiught that if a guy had an ishooooo i wouldnt really want anything else to do with them either.