sister

[violetsrblue]

I have not posted before but have been lurking. I will just jump straight in. I have had mental health problems for decades. In my opinion personality disorder but dx depression/anxiety, social anxiety. Terrible childhood, abuse etc. Basically I had my son while still a child myself (teenager) and first my mother (now dead) then an older sister stepped in way too much and I didn't really bond with him; though I got on with it, I was very flat around him, and also had alcohol and abusive-relationship issues around him.

My family (with my sister at the centre) were and are the light, warmth and love he needs (he is now an adult with a child of his own). I built up a good relationship with him as an adult (as separate as possible from rest of family) but recently a visit to him left me feeling knocked back.

He is very down and I feel worried sick about him. He is not getting on with his partner and has developed some mh issues. Of course I feel responsible and am trying to face up to how things were for him when he was little (he started to talk about that when I saw him).

The problem (for me) is that my sister is still there at the heart of it all again, taking over, controlling everythinng - I actually feel like ending it all (not going to - just thoughts). I just want to see my son and his little family on my own but somehow she is always there in spirit if not actually there. She has no boundaries. I recently accepted some money from her - should I send it back? I feel so isolated and have recently been discharged from CMHT.

Could you explain to your son that your sister was a significant factor in your problems and that you're worried that the same thing will happen this time? I realise it's very difficult, but if you can find the strength to do so you might be able to develop a better relationship with him. Is there any way that you could write your sister a kind and loving letter thanking her for her support but asking if she could give you some space to heal together. I'm so sorry you feel alone and isolated. I don't think it's as rare as it seems. Some people need to feel that they are the ones who are 'able' to keep it altogether and use other's problems to support that.

You've been massively strong so far and he's YOUR son, which it might be useful to hint at, or actually vehemently declare in conversation. Whatever you do, get some more support because the further you slide downward the stronger your sister appears. If you can afford to return the money then I would do so. A good way to deal with the boundaries issue is to set some firm and safe limits of your own. I think that parental relationships are incredibly important at any stage of life and if she cares about you at all she will support your point of view. I will be thinking about you

I also meant to add that following the death of your mother, your sister may have felt the need to step into her shoes and take a matriarchal role. Which is solely her perception.

Hi Violets,
I am sorry for you that you have had such a hard time of it and for decades it sounds like.

There are many dynamics that could be operating within your family.
You acknowledge that, as a child, you suffered abuse. Your sister probably did too, just guessing, but perhaps a different kind with different effect. I am not defending her. But it might help you understand things if you can see the set of dysfunctions that she may be operating from, iyswim. Golden Child, Savior, perhaps some co-dependency at work amongst other possibilities? Does everything have to be her way or the highway? That might help you get a wholistic view and validate your position with more clarity. Study up. It is a long and bumpy road.

Does your sister have her own children? If not, she may be using your dc as a proxy to satisfy her own motherhood instincts (matriarchial role, exactly put, GKG). That's what happened with my 'd'sis and we are presently on very minimum contact.

I agree with GKG about setting your own boundaries. And your son is perfectly entitled to set his own boundaries as well. Imho, if you are waiting for sister to set her boundaries, it will be a long wait.

Gifts are tricky, aren't they? In my case, it seems they were used to purchase license to control. Do you get that feeling?

I've got to go now-be back later.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it really helps. No my sister has no children of her own. I think I will send the money back and also write to her.