Very depressed partner

[worzelswife]

I would love to talk to other people who have depressed partners, and maybe get advice from those in the know.

I have been with my wonderful dp for almost a year now. He is incredibly kind, funny, intelligent, and hard working and I love him to pieces. I am very lucky to have met such a special person.

However, he has very bad depression. I knew this from the start and it didn't scare me and on good days it still doesn't but it is hard, and sometimes I do despair and wonder if I can cope. From what I've read online, it's something I would label existential depression. He had a loving childhood. But he struggled hugely with his self-confidence and in his adolescence took a lot of drugs to try and escape that (completely off them now). He feels he has no worth in society (despite doing a job which most people would argue is hugely of worth), feels desperately sad a lot of the time, and at present is lying awake every night feeling very low. He's terrified of the people he loves dying, from what I can gather; terrified of death in all forms. He doesn't feel he's found his purpose and is scared 20 years will go by and his working life will be over and he'll have done nothing. Basically he's just very intelligent and too deep a thinker for his own good.

It is very hard for me to understand sometimes. I did have severe depression as an adolescent but some good therapy sorted me out and now I'm very content and happy and have forgotten to a large extent just how horrendous it can feel and how you can't snap out of it. I'm trying to encourage him to try a few courses to see if he can find something fulfilling. I'm desperate for him to start doing some work with some children - such as with the scouts, as for me that has been very fulfilling (we have no dcs) and given my life meaning. He is brilliant with kids and I do think it would help a lot, but his very low confidence means I don't know how much he will follow through.

Honestly, it crosses my mind that perhaps I should leave him now and give myself a chance to meet someone who doesn't have depression. Which sounds awful when I love him so much and he's so amazing, but depression just saps the life out of everything and I don't want it to drag me back into my black hole. I worked so very hard to recover. I've read how relationships are 9 times more likely to break up if depression is involved and it scares me we'll just break up in the future anyway because of this. It is such a strain. But then, ultimately, I don't WANT to break up with him. I want to be with him and see him shake off this terrible condition and be happy. I want a life and dcs with him.

Incidentally, he goes to therapy, has taken anti-depressants in the past but his Doctor doesn't think they're appropriate now, and takes lots of exercise. He is trying very hard, which is all I can ask for. As I said, he's an amazing human being. I'm still scared none of it is enough.

I have also found a local support group for partners of people with depression, so that's an option.

Thank you if you've read this very long essay! I'm not sure what I'm even asking here, but I needed to talk to someone somewhere.

" I want to be with him and see him shake off this terrible condition and be happy"

you cant.
you have no control over this.

he may be able to "shake it off" but it sound s like it waill always be tehre ready tor eappear, maybe stres of kids etc will bring it to fore again.

it is dangerous thinking if you fall into trap of thinking your love will be enough to cure him or that you can help him. you cannot. he and his medical team maybe, yes you can chose to be there to support him but you will nee dto be preapred for the good adn bad and if you have DC with him, then there is a good chance you will often be totally alone in bringing them up because he wont be in a position to do so - whether for short periods or longer.

thre is no point you being "desperate for him to" do whatever...you cannot fix him. sorri. you can chose to be tehre for him to benefit from the ups and "suffer" the downs as well...

i thought for years that i could do things to mae my exP happy - of course, i could not. it was beyond my control..

with that knowledge - you decide what to do.

It sounds as if you want to rescue him.
You can't.
You want a happy family life with DCs and are hoping and assuming that that is possible with him. It might not be, no matter how lovely he is and how much you want it.
It's very early to be planning those things anyway, since you've been together less than a year; you may be rushing ahead of yourself.
It doesn't sound as if the therapy is working for him, and despite what his doctor thinks, maybe he would benefit from ADs. Is the doctor aware how bad he's feeling?

You are both right, I know I can't fix him. It is his responsibility and I can only support him. I suppose that I'm trying to think of ways to help him because it helps me feel less anxious and desperate about it all. And for example because I know that at least some of his feelings are bound up with not feeling like he has any purpose and I know that when I was depressed working with children gave me purpose. It really saved me.

I don't think his therapy is working, no. I have suggested moving therapists as after two years with the same one he feels no different, but it's a big deal moving therapists when you're particularly down so if he does manage it it will be a big deal.

I have also suggested going back to the doctor about the anti-depressants. I don't think the doctor can have realised how bad he is at present.

C'est la vie, did you break up with your ex because of his depression? The hard thing for me in terms of walking away is that a lot of the time he functions very well. He's a huge laugh to be around, goes out with his friends, is still working, is interested in life. He's up for going out lots and is very affectionate. It's just that however good things get it all comes back to this terrible sadness and suffering which he just can't shake off.

depression PLUS.

exp has been diagnosed with "depression and anxiety" but his controlloing behaviours are/were maybe something else who knows. also his anxiety led to phsycially aggressive behaviours - not case for all with depression

did spend sunday at restaruant in his comapny for my ds sake it was ds birthday - the heaviness and weight of being around someone so wrapped up in negativity is hard to bear. very draining. and yes it used to be the frustration of suggestions being met with "that's a stupid idea...why would i do that".

only you know if the positives of his personality outweigh the negatives.

but if his depression is making you feel anxious and frustrated (because you cant get anywhere with your suggestions) then think carefully, maybe go talk to someone - you can suffer from depression fallout.

be realistic -= he aint gonna change and kids, houses, moving forward - well there will be times it wont be easy.

OP: both my partner and I have depression and anxiety disorders, and it is very difficult at times. Sometimes we can't get out of bed, sometimes we try to support the other but it saps too much of our own energy...

It's a struggle. It's a lot of hard work, and multiplied when you have your own experience of depression, as you know. And sometimes I lose my temper and I want to shake him and make him just get up and do ... anything - but, so far, I have remembered to breathe and hug him instead. It can be so frustrating, especially when you know you can't 'fix' him or do anything to take away his depression when he's feeling low.

Ultimately, it comes down to whether you want this - not just him, but everything that comes with him: the depression, the tough days, the struggle.

I speak from personal experience. I have never suffered from depression but my DH did when i first met him nine years ago. He was severely depressed about 'leaving' his children, although he was, and always has been since, a father who wanted to be as involved with his children as possible. His marriage had broken down and he was separated from his wife, which was the right thing to do. But he'd gone from having a nice home in a nice area, being a dad to his two daughters etc. to having a small house in a really grotty area, a job he hated and 'losing' day to day contact with his children. He struggled getting his head around just being a weekend dad.

I can see where the alarming statistic comes from. In the early days we simply could not live together. I tried so hard to be supportive and understanding, but even without the depression my DH has a tendency to put obstacles in the way of getting out of situations he doesn't like. He's a bit of a pessimist. At times he was absolutely awful - spiteful, hurtful, nasty and he drank an awful lot. I had no idea what to do - i stood up to him when he was horrible, telling him depression was no excuse for behaving that way etc. It usually ended in a blazing row followed by days and days of not speaking to each other and me wondering if our relationship had a future. I often wondered whether he'd come back when he stormed off or if the police would come knocking on the door to tell me he was in hospital or worse. He was, and still is, the love of my life and i suppose even then that i knew i would always fight for him, however hard it got. And it got bloody hard.

In the end the only thing i knew that would force him to seek medical intervention was to tell him i'd leave him if he didn't. Thankfully he did. Nine years later we are very strong and have an 11 month old boy together. We really are blessed with a very good life together and gone are the days of explosive arguments and constant worry. He still hates his job, but the rest of his life more than make up for it.

This probably sounds nothing like your situation, but i suppose what i'm getting at is that only you know your breaking point and how much you love you DP. I really do think he needs to push the issue with his doctor. My DH went on AD for a while and we never looked back. A friend of mine takes AD every day (she has chemical imbalance in her brain that will not rectify, so she'll be on tablets for the rest of her life) and she is one of the sanest, funniest, happiest, most determined people i have ever met.

Yes, go to the support group. It's very lonely being with someone who is severely depressed and it grinds you down. People forget that being with someone who is depressed is, in itself, very depressing. I really empathise.

Apart from that, all i can suggest is that you talk honestly with your DP about his skills and passions. I realised my DH had a real talent in photography, so he's taken that forward and loves it. Having a hobby or a vocation you can really throw yourself into is very uplifting. Or maybe he could consider charity work or something. Whatever it is, the idea has to come from him and not you. So, while i know you're trying to be helpful suggesting the scouts, start by asking him what his ambition was when he was a child, however outlandish it might seem and try to match his skills to something accordingly.

Sorry this is long. Hope it helps.
x

It helps to know other peoples' stories, so thank you for taking the time to share.

Helen you wrote 'Ultimately, it comes down to whether you want this - not just him, but everything that comes with him: the depression, the tough days, the struggle.'

That's really hard for me because I know I could leave dp, meet someone else who has never had depression only for something to happen and for him to get it too, and even worse. Or there would be something else. Everyone has their trials and their issues and life gets hard for everyone sometime. So I'm torn by the idea that I may be walking away from someone so incredible only to find that I end up with someone less wonderful but with just as many issues, albeit different ones.

I've been really down today. I keep veering between thinking I love this man so much and I can't leave him and thinking I must get out now while I still can because it's all too hard. He has a day off tomorrow so I think if nothing else I need to chat to him about it all. We need to have boundaries in place regarding him doing everything he can in terms of taking anti-depressants, and maybe changing counsellors if that's the right thing for him, for us to have a chance. And then, I don't know, maybe we can only carry on and see how we both feel in 6 months. I just don't want to tip him into worse depression if he thinks there's a chance I'll leave him. And I don't want to leave him.

I hope it helps when you talk to him.

I had to talk to my partner about how tough it sometimes is and he has stepped up to the mark a bit more - it's made a hell of a difference. He's looked out for me a bit more, he's helped with my stress, he's been excellent. Now we make sure we take our meds at the same time every morning, and make sure we both eat good food, etc.

That's good Helen, I'm glad you can help eachother. There must be times when it's a real relief that you know what the other feels like because I remember from my own depression that in general people are fairly rubbish at understanding how bad it can be.

You know what I feel like right now? That when I had my depression there was this evil imp sitting on my shoulder. It had it's claws firmly dug in and it did it's best to ruin everything. After a lot of hard work I got rid of it, stuck two fingers up at it and walked off into the sunset. And now, up ahead of me on the path is my beautiful, wonderful dp, and there is that same imp, sitting on his shoulder, grinning at me with glee that it's got me again. That I didn't escape.

[hugs] No matter how good your relationship, if it's affecting your mental health, you have to think twice and remember to look after yourself. Maybe it's not so much about his depression and perhaps more about yours?

Hi there. Firstly, big hugs to you. I have gone through depression and it's a tough time. I also have a major fear of dying which is something really hard to get over as no one can put your mind at rest. You just want someone to say 'it's ok, when you die this is what happens...' it's the not knowing what's going to happen.

I know this is a weird suggestion but it helped with my fear a bit. And it's quite fun. Have you heard of lucid dreaming? It's when you wake up inside your dream and it feels so real and you can control it. I know it sounds mad. Look here 3.bp.blogspot.com/-iX9Tlcmovv8/TpokTPym1SI/AAAAAAAAJaM/dEBehZX6cyc/s1600/lucid.jpg

It gives me something to concentrate on at night. It doesn't always work and takes while of trying for it to work but when it does it's so fun! Anyone can do it. And you realise that your mind is so powerful and it makes you feel that there could be something after we die.

I probably sound like a right muppet but honestly it helped me.

The other thing that helped was making plans, things to look forward to. Is there a country he would like to visit? Even short term plans are good. Having a weekend away, meeting up with friends, finding a good tv series to watch together. Me and fiancé love to watch The Apprentice when it's on. Maybe he needs to make plans for his life so it doesn't pass him by.

I also have to keep telling myself that if I spend time worrying about death so much then I will forget to enjoy my life.

I don't know if my rambles help but hopefully gives you some ideas.

I hadn't heard of lucid dreaming. Thank you for that suggestion, I will have a look into it. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and ideas so much.

I had a bit of a chat with dp last night and was very honest. He was great about it and agrees it would be good to have a proper chat, but he has a really busy month ahead of him that he just needs supporting through first. Any upset feels like it's going to tip the apple cart for him right now. A big project with work is coming to an end after then so I do know he's very busy and worried about it at present and he is good about talking to me so I trust him when he says he will feel able to in a month. And then he'll have time to sit down and have a really good think about what he wants to do with his life.

I'm still wobbly, I don't know what to think or do and to be honest I want to talk NOW. But I can wait. I'm still open to the idea of it going either way right now - us splitting up or making more of a commitment.

but what about you during this month?
please go talk to someone else if he wont talk to you.
go see your counsellor/therapist.

what if you have DC together?

you cant then say "oh let's talk about it in a month" if there is something pressing. life doesnt work like that.

even in his busy schedule, I cannot believe that he cant put aside two hours over the next month - even the enxt two days/this weekend perhaps??? to sit and talk to you.

makes no sense. sorri.

he is keeping you hanging on.

what are you supposed to do over the next month? hang on for the magical 30th day?

and what if after a month eh says: oh sorri something else came up - can we wait another month/six months/year??

or - if he so busy -then live a part for this month and keep yourselves to your selves do your own thing as clearly he has no room for you in his life other than as support to him.

that really is not fair to you.

who is supporting you?

"Any upset feels like it's going to tip the apple cart for him "

you simply cannot live like that on eggshells round someone.

remember that you are not repsonsible for his mental health.
if your needs will send him over the edge each time -well then reconsider the whole relationship because long term it isnt going to work. what about you?

You're right.

I'm really pissed off we can't talk. I need to now. But he is genuinely very busy and that does then come to an end in a month, for definite. And until then he will be working weekends too so it isn't as simple as just sitting down to chat then. I am going to try and book in a few sessions with a counsellor, because I realise that talking to someone outside this all face to face would be really beneficial to me. I'm really confused and sad and it would do me a lot of good to thrash it all out.