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Original poster

DH's 'family' absent, clueless and pretty much useless

12 replies

matana · 26/10/2011 11:38

DH's family live 3 and a half hours away. I have one DS (11 months) and two DSDs (11 and 14). DH and I have been together for nine years and married for just over two. My problem is with his family who just don't make any effort at all with my DS (or my DSDs if the truth is known).

MIL and FIL visited when DS was about a week old and then nothing.We were supposed to go up there for Easter and didn't because DS was going through a torrid time and MIL is one of life's non copers who will let everyone know around her if she's unhappy. Had she been kept awake all night by DS she would have let us know. She had breast cancer 4 years ago and we thought she might be more positive having survived it. She's not.

Anyway, our non attendance at Easter set in motion a Big Family Argument (only remedied because we made the journey to have Big Summit Talks with them early August), during which we pointed out that in DS's short life he hadn't met any of his aunties (except my sisters), and had seen MIL/ FIL for one day. It is difficult for us to get up to see DH's family because DH's ex is rather rigid about when we can and can't have my DSDs and what time they have to be home by etc. Added to having a baby and a 14 yo DSD who would rather now see friends than family, we have explained that it's probably easier for them to visit us. They are retired and have the financial means. We both work full time and one or both of our DSDs are here most weekends. I'm not complaining, just explaining that our lives are quite full. We thought we'd made progress with the Big Summit Talks, but DH's parents are just as non committal and absent as ever.

Since Easter we have been up there twice. DH's parents were invited way back in August to DS's 1st birthday in November and, at the time, MIL said "November is a long time away, can i tell you nearer the time". We have since re-invited them for Christmas and again for DS's 1st birthday, having heard nothing. They have grudgingly said they'll come down on the 27th for a couple of days. It's unlikely they'll come down for DS's 1st birthday at all.

I suppose some of my ill feelings come from how much effort i see my own family putting in. Of course it's easier because they live close by, but i do feel like all the effort to get DS to see DH's family is very one sided. DH feels very hurt when he sees how little effort they expend towards us.

I suppose what i'm asking is, is it time to give up and just concentrate on our own life and accept that they're just not interested? Or do i keep trying, but feeling like i'm banging my head against a brick wall?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/10/2011 11:50

The thing is, why do you want to see more of them when they are like this?

I'd just leave them to it and count myself lucky I didn't have to see more of them.

LydiaWickham · 26/10/2011 11:54

Mentally give up, but make a point of issuing an invite (or rather getting DH to issue an invite) once a quarter. If they don't take you up on it, any complaints about seeing you can be referred to the numorous invites they have had.

Sometimes you have to accept some people are just going through the motions of being bothered, you go through the motions too but don't let it upset you.

MoaninMinny · 26/10/2011 11:57

why are you bothered? you obviously arent keen on MIL so you should be pleased you rarely see them

Original poster

matana · 26/10/2011 11:57

I suppose it's for DH's sake really. He has an idealistic vision of what a family should be like and how they should behave. He sees my own family and wishes that for himself and so he has always thought the way to do that is to put in more effort because of the distance (mileage) between us. Family is exceptionally important to me so i have always instigated visiting his family in the hope of nurturing relationships for my DH's sake.

OP posts:

Tortoiseinadarkspell · 26/10/2011 12:00

But if he wants that for himself and thinks that more effort is the key, why isn't it his job to do so rather than yours?

Original poster

matana · 26/10/2011 12:03

Oh, and until my DS was born i have got on well with MIL (believe it or not!) It's true she is a very negative person, and not particularly 'warm' in a maternal way, but i've always accepted it in her until now. She does have her good points. But having my DS has made me put things in perspective and it angers me that they don't put in the effort to see him.

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 26/10/2011 12:07

It's up to your DH to put the effort in, not you. But continue to extend invites, you can accept that you are doing this safe in the knowledge they won't take you up on it, but you don't need to say this to your DH. Just doing this makes you not the bad person.

You can't force them to be the parents he wants them to be.

Original poster

matana · 26/10/2011 12:07

Tortoise - he's the one that invited them, having agreed it between ourselves. And we agree between us when to visit etc because i'd rather see them together, as a family, than send my DH up there on his own with DS! The effort is ours, not his or mine independently.

He's now talking about having another go at giving them some home truths but really i just don't think it will achieve anything.

OP posts:

blackcurrants · 26/10/2011 12:35

My DH's parents don't give a stuff either. You're not going to change them.

Very much their loss, IMO. Keep offering invites, and stay firm. If there's drama, say "but we invited you to Z an Y and B and D and E too!" - and don't expect them to change. They won't. SAd for your DH but not really for your DS, to be honest -if your family are involved he's got all he needs. I realised that DH's parents had made him unhappy/feel unloved his whole life - I don't want them to do that to DS too!

Tortoiseinadarkspell · 26/10/2011 12:40

Oh that makes sense, and yes I wasn't suggesting you send him up there withou you. I just got the impression it was all you ringing and inviting them from your "I have always instigated" thing.

Moblem · 26/10/2011 13:01

Tbh, I wouldn't bother - focus on your own family instead. Ime, things won't change much but the resentment will build. If fundamentally they're not interested you won't change that.

I used to try, but have long since given up. We focus on our family now and are much happier about it

Tigerstripes · 26/10/2011 22:21

You need to pull away, for your DS and your DH's sake. They won't change, you are just setting yourselves up for disappointment, resentment and anger. I have now accepted (after a long time) that my parents are not interested in me and will not be interested in my DC. I feel better for not continuously putting myself forward to be hurt. Do what another poster suggested and extend a once a year/twice a year invite but with no expectations of success. I promise, you will be happier!

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