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Original poster

Another moan about Grandparents who don't really want to see Grand children.

15 replies

jac34 · 27/12/2005 19:53

We saw my parents on Christmas Day, we had them over for lunch.While talking I suggested they have our boys over during the week,so they get to spend some time with them.My Mum said fine and went through a few days that were convenient and we settled on Thursday, so DH and I made plans for what we were going to do on that day.However,it was all depending on the weather, as there was snow expected and my Mum gets very worried,my Dad repeated a few times that the snow would miss us but she wouldn't listen.
Anyway, she rang yesterday to change plans,they could only have them between certain times and of course,not if there was snow or if it was raining as they would have to entertain them inside(Dad has a huge train set for them indoors,they wouldn't be hard to keep busy!) So DH and I had to change our plans as now we'd only have nearly 2 hours. So DH said, Oh stuff them if they don't really want to have them, then we'll go out for the day with the kids.
So I rang Mum made some excuse and she sounded very relieved,"Oh never mind we'll see you again etc."

This always happens, it's like they really don't want to see them. DH and I hardly ever ask them to have the boys,because it's like we've put them on the spot and they can't think of an excuse quick enough.Yet they always say,"Just ask us anytime if you want some time alone."

I know others have posted about this before and I'm really just having a moan, but it's so upsetting, I'm an only child, my boys are the only Grandchildren they will ever have, they are now 7yo and growing up fast

OP posts:

compo · 27/12/2005 19:57

It sounds more that your mum is worried about looking after them rather than not wanting to see them. Tbh honest it wouldn't bother me if ds' grandparents didn't want him on his own as i enjoy the family time of us all together iyswim. Babysitting when he's in bed though so we can go out is a different matter though

cranberryjampots · 27/12/2005 20:00

dh's birthmum expects us to go visit her over the xmas holiday - we've been each xmas for hte 3 years we've known her but she never comes to ours even during hte year. So this year we decided to make our excuses. She told dh yesterday that she was pissed we werent going. He said "well you could alwsys come to ours" - "I cant" she said, "We're busy tomorrow then we're off to Yorkshire for 3 days then we're entertaining over new year but you could come and meet up next Monday or Tuesday for lunch somewhere" !

I dont frigging think so!

Original poster

jac34 · 27/12/2005 20:01

They don't do that either!!
I really didn't think I could manage another day with my Mum,(I know DH couldn't)she was enough of a pain Christmas day.

OP posts:

Pinotmum · 27/12/2005 20:05

My mil just can't cope with my 2 and when we visit she never offers to have them for the afternoon or babysit for the evening. In fact I wouldn't ask her and am secretly glad she doesn't offer. She is in her early 70's and not too good on her feet so a 5 yo and 3 yo are a handful. I do get a little annoyed though that when we stay she constantly tidies around us which makes me uncomfortable. She could wait till we have left the room

Original poster

jac34 · 27/12/2005 20:15

If my Mum was a bit nicer to us we would go to visit more often, and she'd get to see the boys more.Even when they do visit all she seems interested in is sitting at my dinning table drinking wine and running DH or myself down, she never does much with the children.

OP posts:

kinkipinki · 27/12/2005 20:18

I think my in-laws top this!!!! They live less than 10 min from us, but hardly ever see my to, actually in the last 5yrs have only ever asked to see them twice, it is always down to me to ask them, sick of it!!!

For xmas this year they bought my kids a cheap watch for dd 5yrs and a crappy scalextric for ds 3yrs, which desnt work, but get this a ralph lauren scasrf for dh!!! (i got a crap box of chocs not even wrapped) They are wierd !!!!!!!

brusselsbeansprout · 27/12/2005 20:18

My grandparents were not interested in me and my brother. Not one little bit. While this was hard for my mum, it didn't really bother me. As a child, this just seemed like the normal thing to be happening. Grandad still alive, doesn't know I am married or that ds exists. His loss.

If you don't expect anything from somebody, they can't hurt you.

Donbean · 27/12/2005 20:19

hm, know what you mean.
My parents act like my ds isnt any thing to do with them. Niether has ever looked after him, niether shows an interest.
My 2 sisters have 1 child each and she cant do enough for them. Adores them.
The last straw was when ds was ill, and i text my mum to tell her as we were going out somewhere with her that day.
I text to say "cant come, ds is poorly".
She text back to say "ok", not "whats wrong, how is he?" then or in the days after that.
My dad didnt ask and went on to talk about himself.....thats normal for him though.
Upsets me but like dh says to me, his parents love ds enough for 10 people so he doesnt need any one else.

kinkipinki · 27/12/2005 20:21

oooh donbean thats awful, suppose atleast it is my inlaws and not my parents, have u ever said anything to your mum, what was yours and your sisters relationship like with mum b4 kids?

ohFennelyeHerbful · 27/12/2005 20:27

Dp's parents are like this. it did upset him but we have got used to it. i was worried the dds would mind that their grandparents don't care at all about them but as brusselbeansprout says, the children haven't actually noticed and don't mind.

once you get used to it it can also be sort of liberating. if they put no effort into the relationship, it reduces our obligations to go and see them.

MeerkatsUnite · 27/12/2005 20:28

jac34,

((((((((hugs)))))))))))

You are by far from alone in this regard.

Think your parents and mine come from the same mould. I can also sympathise with this because I have a not too dissimilar a situation with my parents either. I can certainly relate to your second paragraph as I get the same sort of response from mine too.

My son is in all likelihood the only grandchild both sides of the family will ever have. Both the BIL and my brother are unlikely to be fathers.

It basically comes down to the fact that they my parents not want the responsibility for looking after my son (who is also now 7) for any length of time. My parents are both fit and well and live nearby but they have different priorities namely regular holidays (do not begrudge them this though), shopping and running around after my living alone and childfree brother making sure he's okay. I do wonder why they act like this but think they've been conditioned into doing so. My mum cleans my brother's house twice a week as well as getting him his shopping from M & S.

I get my own shopping.

I feel for you though, it is bloody hard when you see other parents step up to the plate to help their daughter out when yours do not bother.

Don't get me started on her response to me asking her to DS's Christmas play at school. Suffice to say she did not attend.

I give the registered sitter I use quite a lot of work.

Am sorry I do not have any more useful advice for you other than to try talking to them about it in a calm manner and without histrionics. I've tried this myself though and it did not work.

With best wishes

Donbean · 27/12/2005 20:29

Not good. I havent said any thing because its kind of accepted now that she is there for my sisters but not for us.
She is a great help to them.
TBH ds doesnt know her so wouldnt stay with her.
I (like to) think that its because she knows that me and dh are ok so dont need her, my sisters do need her.
However way you look at it she isnt bothered if she doesnt see him from one month to the next.

Original poster

jac34 · 27/12/2005 20:33

My Mum and Dad didn't even come to visit me when I was in hospital having my DS's(because the weather was bad there were high winds), we were there for nearly a week because I'd had a section and my DS's were in SCBU. My MIL came every day and looked in wonder at her beautiful twin Grandsons, she was so excited even though they were her 12th and 13th Grandchildren. It's a shame she lives in Spain and doesn't get to see them that often.

OP posts:

MeerkatsUnite · 27/12/2005 20:35

My Mum did not want to attend DS's school play (that's the third she's missed now) because she was afraid of catching something!!.

Felt a bit like Meerkats no mates at the school play.

Feel also like going away again for Christmas next year and saying balls to the lot of 'em!!!.

MeerkatsUnite · 27/12/2005 20:41

jac34,

They did not even visit you in hospital!. Tsk!! Your DH was not happy either re them I think.

Glad to read that you had MIL on hand.

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