Dealing with over-anxious mother.

[PinkPoncho]

I am avoiding my over-anxious mother, but that seems to make her worse. She lives quite far away, and on her own. She seems to spend much of her time 'worrying' about me. She phones leaving the same message each time "Are you all right?" When I reply, "Yes we are all fine" (the same as we were last week and the one before) I get "Are you sure?"

She used to ring my work and ask them "was I all right?" and doesn't seem to take my word for it almost as if she still sees me as a child (I am in my thirties).

She wants to come and see me in the next few weeks but I am avoiding this as she often picks up on some small thing about me or my children and gets overly anxious about it. (last time I asked her to mind my baby ds while I was swimming and I had calls after from her worrying about the chlorine might have got into him through my milk and causing his fretfulness that day!)

It is very difficult to deal with, being there means I'm a focus for her anxieties, distancing myself does give me a sense of relief but but seems to make her worry more!

Any ideas would be helpful. I have suggested to her she could get help for anxiety for example CBT, but she sort of laughed as if I was fobbing her off 'but it's you I'm worried about' she said

This is a difficult one. Does your dm live alone? Are you her only child or her only dd? If you have siblings, how does she behave with them?

I have EXACTLY the same problem. I have been firm with my mother and told her not to call me every day - that I am fine. But truly CBT does sound like the right path. It can be very exhausting to live with that level of anxiety...

Hi again. I am the only dd and have one brother. She treats him the same (when he moved employer he wouldn't tell her of the new one in case of calls). Yes Punk it ios exhausting isn't it. I feel I haven't the energy for it at the moment, with two young dc's. It would be lovely to have a mum who I could honestly share the trials and tribulations of life with and possibly share her experiences too but instead, I feel I have to shield her from any little thing she could worry over.

What would happen if you told her how trying you find her anxious enquiry each time she makes a new one, and refused to entertain her anxious train of thought, by putting the phone down if necessary, every time?

This sounds awful for you - and for her. However, I don't think there is a lot you can do alone, it sounds similar to someone who is jealous in that whatever you do you cannot reassure them and it only ends up with you being 'controlled' by their behaviour.

Your Mum needs some help and CBT sounds like a very good idea, there are also anti-anxiety meds if she is amenable to taking them - though I think CBT would be better.

You aren't responsible for your Mum's feelings. I know that it must be awful thinking of her sitting fretting all the time but, realistically, you can't make her better on your own and if she refuses to get help, well, that's her choice, so try just to get on with your own life and not to pander to her neverending anxieties.

Hi sorry hadn't checked this in a while. Itsmeandmypumpkin, I have tried that but she seems to think I'm evading her or something (not sure if that's the right word. Like she'd try to put the focus back on me, she would suggest I was criticising her perhaps). Cleopatra I think she did have some CBT and was taking some antidepressants at one stage. I do keep saying that to myself, that I am not responsible for her feelings. It's hard, as she lives alone (left my dad a few years back) and my Auntie for example will say things like 'it must be so lonely for her' like I should do something for her.

I have suggested counselling / CBT, given her a pass for swimming to try to get her active for her birthday as that might help...suggested she do something like go help in a hospital read to people to take her mind of things (maybe her helping others would help her?) but I don't know. It's been so many years now I'm coming to the point where I don't think she'll change.

it's a bit sad though because she's taking herself away..she wants to see the children and has been much more in touch since they were born, but she gets so anxious over them and I don't want that to affect them either. I feel so mean not going to see her but it's awful, like a prison. The ironic thing is, the more I stay away the worse she gets...

maybe she'd get better if she was involved MORE rather than less, with you and the children? When someone prone to anxiety lives on their own, they live in their head too much and exgaggerate things - it's almost like exposure therapy that supposed to help with anxiety, they expose them to what they fear and the person gets tired/bored of theirown anxiety as they get more familiar/used to a situation. I know it sounds simplistic when we aer talking about children being involved, but I still think there is a chance she'd improve with more involvement. In a way isn't she right when she asks 'are you sure you're alright?' as you are keeping things from her - as you say trials and tribulations - isn't it a vicious circle? Maybe similarl;y try actually shating some things, shock horror. It's not going to harm you at least trying for a few months. A Chance that she'll improve, but if she doesn't, at least you can then seriously insist on therapy, and won't feel guilty for distancing and making her feel worse. I think she feels pushed out and that's terrible, even dangerous to her mental state.

'sharing' - sorry for typos

Thanks passions..maybe you're right. She's been wanting to come down to see us in a week or so and I've been putting her off as 'too busy'..the thing is though that when she does come she'll (for example) pick up on something like us having a bottle of wine and fret about that..but I suppose at least it's something specific to fret about whereas when she's just left alone her imaginings seem to run riot!

She is very isolated, lives in a little row of cottages in the middle of nowhere and hardly goes out. So I suppose it would be easy for anyone to ge things out of perspective in such a situation.

It was particularly difficult as a teenager, when I left home to go to uni and se split up with my dad..she started doing strange things like ringing the uni to see if I was ok and one time said she thought something/someone was going to get me/happen to me..anway got back to police and uni staff all keeping me in for the weekend. And there have been other times when she used to call the police and this caused problems for a relationship of mine..(complicated) and it would just be a relief to get a distance from it all to be honest.

But, I can see maybe keeping her at a distance does however make it worse.

It's how you perceive it though maybe it is a bit controlling of her too?

yeah, it's kind of a form of control- but not over you I'd say, more control of her own life and her role in life (and being a mother is the only role that's left after splitting from your dad). I think the split made her feel helpless kind of, she couldn't stop it happening, and then you left in the same time, again beyond her control but two traumas together sent her over the edge a bit. Maybe she should relocate? if not near you then into a more community type , bigger place? I don't know, I just really feel for her and makes me want to help - but it's tough on you as you feel responsible. My mum was in real depression aftre her divorce (when she wasn't young) - it's been horrid to be trying to help but nothing would shift her out of it - evebtually time helped and her developing her interests, finding groups with similar interests, after many years she's recovered and at least i feel i've done my bit in inviting her to be in same town as me (though not same house - that was too much for me) - it was a distraction from loneliness. I think your mother's loneliness increases her unstable mentality too, and maybe you shouldn't be afraid of worrying her with things, bit by bit, rather than ;leaving her in a vacuum where she literally panics over her own place in life, and that spills into worrying over things. As i say if exposing her to things won't help over a couple of months, then she wolud need therapy, it could be beyond you - this all my opinion of course, but i did read a bit on counselling and that's how i see this.

I'm not so sure more involvement in your life will make her any better as it seems her anxiety is very deeply rooted and long-term - it's possible it will just give her more specific things to worry about. When anxiety reaches the levels you have described - ie telephoning your uni and the police is very strange behaviour - it really is completely out of control. Sometimes when you have lived with someone like this you can find it difficult to see it for what it is because for you it is 'normal', but it really isn't. I get what Passions is saying about trying a form of exposure therapy but I think that that only really works when there are specific worries/fears whereas your Mum seems to have very high level generalised anxiety.

She needs help, some antidepressants have little effect on anxiety, she needs medication more suited to the relief of anxiety if she is to take any medication at all.

It must be really hard dealing with this but just because you are her daughter you don't have a magic wand to make her better and please don't pay any attention to what other people say, they just want to make themselves feel better by making you feel responsible. Then they don't have to worry about it!

I hope I don't sound too harsh with all this but I have been through similar and even spent a year never leaving the house in the evening because they were 'too scared to stay in the house alone', I was in my early twenties at the time. In time it was like living in a prison and whatever I did didn't really help or reassure them except very temporarily. You can support them but they need to help themselves or they will never get better.

Hi thanks both of you!

It's good to hear different persepectives on this. No, I don't think it's normal behaviour, it has always seemed really strange. My dad is also a strange one and for example tried to join my brother's music class and take exams with him at high school..he seems to try and join in activities we like rather than forging his own life after splitting with my mum (although his did do an art class on his own- after I suggested it though)

She was in charge of this when they split though- he didn't leave her, she requested a divorce after he wrote an odd letter to their/her employer with apparently some inappropriate stuff about her (not sure really)..so she got him to sign divorce papers. That's another thing- they want to come and visit together. But won't be seen out together (she won't be seen with him mainly I think) They will meet in a cafe or something but it's always strained. They require seperate rooms but we don't have that with the dc's so end up giving up ours and the spare room and sleeping in with the dc's (it's a nightmare). therefore I have suggested next time they can stay at a guest house or something)

I wish they'd move on with their lives really. I spent a lot of time as a child out and at friends' houses being envious of their normal families, mine always felt strange and embarrassing..

Anyway just looking really how to move on- yes she would like to come and move here to be nearby but I don't think I could cope with that. She doesn't 'like' anybody and seems to mistrust everyone including her neighbours. I can't see her joining in other things and I'd be the only focus for her. Also with the dc's I'm quite busy and don't know if have the energy for her. Hope that doesn't sound selfish.

Yes and she also kept ringing the maternity unit (rather than dp or myself) when I was going to have the dc's...on arrival it was 'Oh YOUR the one with the mum who keeps ringing..we had to ask her to stop as imminently pregnant ladies are trying to get through'.. Dp was a it cross she hadn;t just called him and felt he wasn't trusted or something..

She is very odd with any kind of medical thing. For example, my brother needed glasses and she wouldn't believe it and thought she knew better and was very upset when his wife commented his eyesight was poor.. like it was a fault. There are other things but I can't think just now. She has suffered with epilepsy and would never let it be talked of or mentioned. (it's ok now though)

You are describing an incredibly controlling woman, who cannot entertain the thought that she is ever wrong (about your brother's diagnosis, or when you tried to point out her difficult behaviour and she shifted the blame to you, ...).

That type of rigid thinking is most probably wedded to her personality and unlikely to change, even if she were to go to therapy (...but even that would involve admitting she needs it, which seems unlikely given what you say about her).

Her behaviour towards you is so intrusive that I wonder how you can stand it.

You don't HAVE to put up with it just because you are related to her. Upsetting behaviour is upsetting behaviour, whoever it comes from, and you don't have to stand for it.

I think you might benefit from reading about personality disorders on something like this site, for example, or reading books on how to detach from harmful parents, like this one.

Good luck.

Hi thanks Itsmeandmypuppy now. So...I should move on then? Or that will leave her in a dangerous place? That phrase from before about leaving her in a vacuum, in an isolated place or something, makes me feel very guilty. But, I just went to uni. As teenagers do. They had always lived in the middle of nowhere. It wasn't easy as a teenager just being stuck there.

They were a bit rubbish through school years / uni (her saying things like 'Ill tell the uni what you are like so you can't go- when I was applying and a bit of a rebel teen) and when my dad came to pick me up for the summer 'holidays' and the car broke down we had to drive in back to the uni halls or residence and they wouldn't get in fixed, then she actually said it was 'my fault' because they'd had to come and get me! There was a lot of that going on, during teenage years. She'd not talk to me then when I asked dad why she's eventually say 'if you don't know I'm not going to tell you' stuff like that.

Then, when I was 14 I remember my dad brought this woman back as supposedly she was a friend who was beaing beaten by her husband and he had befriended her. he had thought it was a good idea to take her in. My mum wouldn't talk to her so her went and got me. So, from then on, because I listened to her, I was on 'his side' or something. i am so angry now when I see the dc's nieces who are about that age and really still like children, that I was put in that position.

I've just had a look through those headings on the first link and it was very useful. Although I'm not sure if they have a personality disorder as such i can see that the 'parentification' part is what happened. especially perhaps as I am the eldest child and female. It all fell apart when i went away to uni.But i was only 17. (as soon as i could!)

You are entitled to be angry.

Those are awful things to say and do to a child: her own child!

All because of her own unresolved issues that she wasn't adult enough to deal with, so she used you to make herself feel better: every time she put you down she could enjoy feeling briefly superior to you. You were the child that it was her responsibility to nurture, and instead she used you as her emotional dumping ground.

"So...I should move on then?"

You should move on from any belief you harbour that you are responsible for her. You are not.

And you should move on from expecting her to see your side; to acknowledge your hurt, and to be the mother you would like her to be: she won't. The less you expect her to treat you with love and respect, the less it will hurt you when this love and respect are not forthcoming.

You could take a wander round the tately Homes if you want links to more resources, or to vent with others who've had similar experiences that they are now dealing with.

*Stately Homes

Thanks again, yes it's really made me reflect on it and how I'll be with my own dc's- not doing the same as that anyway. Basically treating them as the age they are and not burdening them with adult stuff.

Another thing on that page was about them not seeing the children as having their own views, ideas, preferences. She has always not been interested in these and has seemed to assume I would like just the same as her. For example she wants to get me shoes from an old people's catalogue..

And I'll have a look at the Stately homes thread, I wasn't sure exactly what is was about, is it about abused children? they never abused us more a bit of unwitting neglect really!

Emotional abuse is still abuse. And if you found your parents' behaviours on the list of behaviours of the personality-disordered, I would say you were an emotionally abused child, yes. Neglect really messes you up when you're a developing person.

If the label bothers you - it is a big word - just focus on your feelings: do you feel as though inadequate parenting has left you with residual anger and possibly damage in the way you approach relationships with others?

Mmm. Firstly, thanks for replying again. (I do find I thank people a lot for things and my hv says i try too hard to 'be nice') It's interesting reading these replies. I do still feel angry with both of them, yes, but also feel sorry for them. They seem stuck in this kind of co-dependent relationship with each other (he still loves her and constantly tells me about it, always saying 'your mother' and with her 'your father'..I get stuck in the middle. And yet won't come to stay without him around.

On the other hand, neither of them were especially controlling, it was quite an easygoing childhood, they were both a bit wrapped up in their own little worlds. Until I became a teenager that is.

Yes I think it has affected the way I've approached relationships with others. I always kind of offer to help them and seem to get involved with people who need more than I can give. I get wary of getting too close to people in case this happens. Then with more 'normal' people I get a bit wary too like they might 'find out' I'm not the same as them or something! I don't know it's difficult to explain.

And as a teenager I didn't have very high self esteem, but that may have just been schoolmates stuff..I always just wanted someone to talk to nd remember crying in my room waiting for one of them to notice but they never did.

When I left uni I went straight into quite an intense relationship with the man I'm still with, we are to soon to be married. His family is very stable, and subconsciously I think I was looking for someone like him, not as a father figure as such but just someone kind of reliable and firm, someone with high kind of morals and a sense of integrity if that's the right words.

He is kind and caring, however he has said to be before he feels a bit like a stable institution or something, as I moved from uni to him, instead of going for it myself (although I would have been happy to share a flat with friends too) so I think in a way he was worried I just saw him as 'stable' rather than really being in a relationship with him iyswim.

Oh I don't know. Really helpful stuff that site though. may thanks, maybe I'll share it with my bro.. (who seems fine although a bit henpecked/passive)

Without going into detail, PinkPoncho, I just want to say that your last post resonates with me, and probably with a lot of other people on this board.

You sound very perceptive - e.g. your awareness of being too accommodating, as well as feeling like a fraud among others you perceive as "normal". With that amount of insight, you'll be able to work out how to handle your mother just fine!

Hi again just to say 'thanks' again(!) and that's interesting. My health visitor said something along those lines too actually (went for a bit of counselling with her). She said she felt I was pretty aware like you said which was good!

I have decided that I'm going to keep telling myself I am normal/worthy regarding friendships (have just finished a friendship with a woman who was getting very bossy with me and taking advantage and that feels good!)

I am also going to try and thing how it's made me stronger as a person going through all that as a teenager (i still remember that woman my dad brought back telling me how by mum was bitter, my dad going off and sleeping in the garden in a tent and me sat there like a counsellor. At 14).

Good to share this with you. Hope you're getting through stuff too. I might join that thread, no-one I know in rl seems to have these 'issues' haha although they could be sweeping it under the carpet. Have a lovely Sunday x