Hello ladies - I'm new here. Heard good things - really need a bit of support and advice.
It's also a VERY long story - so please bear with me.
Right this all started 2 years ago. (Bit of background information. I am 24 - eldest of 4, very close family and since I was about 5-6 my Dad has always worked away and come back at weekends). He was an excellent Dad. Gave us a lot of affection and attention - took me to ballet, my brothers to rugby and took my Mum away annually for their 'alone time'. They had a good relationship. Never fought and the house was always warm and full of aughter.
So - this was 2 years ago - I was looking through my Dad's phone for his Blackberry pin. I came across some messages - which were very sexually explicit. The messages were under a man's name and thinking he'd been clever {ie saving a woman's number under a man's name} - I took the number in case I knew who it was. The next day I rung the number and asked whom she was and how she knew my Dad - he said his name was Barry and he had been sleeping with my father. (I then found various messages from other men - making it very obvious what he got up to in his spare time in Soho when he was at work). {I kept all texts as proof}.
Nothing can preapre you for that. My whole world crumbled. I was strong though - and thought, this isn't my business (he obviously loves my mum and my family) I'll forget what I know.
Fast forward a few months - I came home from my mum and dad have a blazing row - which was very unusual. I heard my Dad scream 'I should have divorced you when I had the chance' and he left the house. My Mum came to me crying - telling me she didn't know what to do. I couldn't not tell her - so I did. She was calm but obviously shocked/distraught.
Anyway to cut a VERY long story short (shorter) - they have now seperated. My Dad doesn'tknow I know - my Mum and I decided that would ruin the relationship I have with him. None of my other siblings know either - the official line is 'they don't love each other anymore' - They both have new relationships - my dad is now engaged to my godmother - and although a bit bitter of his side - they both seem happy.
So this is my problem - having recently been diagnosed with depression and falling in love what I have found out is causing problems in my relationship. I am scared all the time. Scared of being lied to and being 'caught out' - I now have this constant need for affection and reassurance and in all honestly, I am disgusted in myself, but I can't help it. I feel weak and pathetic - a mere percent of the person I used to be. I love my boyfriend, we've just moved in a rarely argue - so why do I feel so unhappy - is it because of all this? Am I allowed to feel like this? I feel so sad. Like I'm ruining my best thing I've ever had 'relationship wise' because of my Dad.
Thanks so much for getting this far.
It just really pre-occupies my mind/life :(
Please be gentle ;) Thanks xxx
{Oh only have internet access at work - will reply, I promise}