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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone tell me what would happen?

26 replies

advicecircles · 24/10/2011 14:20

I want to leave my partner. I live in his "tied cottage". I am on the council tax but no other household bills. I have no tenancy agreement, we pay no rent and my partner has no contract of employment. He has lived in the house for nearly twenty years, I have been there for 18 months. I do have bills of my own and bank statements at the address (so can prove I live there) and a letter (about something else) from his employers stating that I live there.

I own my own house and obviously want to return there. It is currently tenanted and I know I have to give 2 months notice to them.

My fear is if he finds out I have given my tenants two months notice he may kick off and decide to kick me and my son out leaving us homeless (even though I own my own house) until my tenants move out.

Do I have any rights to stay there if he is reasonably pleasant about it?

If he is abusive, where can I go? I have no family or friends who could put us up even temporarily.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 24/10/2011 14:24

You'd have to go to a hostel if he becomes abusive

But how would he find out about tenants?

Original poster
advicecircles · 24/10/2011 14:26

Because he works with some of my ex neighbours and knows lots of people who live in my road, next road etc. Small town.

I can't ask my tenants to keep it a secret.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 24/10/2011 16:12

Is there a reason why you cannot end your relationship in a civilised manner - i.e you both agree that living together is and that, after your tenants have vacated your property, you will be moving back to your home?

You've mentioned the possibility of him 'kicking off' if he discovers that you've given your tenants notice to quit. What form does this 'kicking off' take? Does he kick off regularly and is he physically or verbally abusive when he 'goes into one'?

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 24/10/2011 16:22

could you stay with anyone?

Original poster
advicecircles · 24/10/2011 16:34

He has never kicked off before but I have to reason to believe he might do if he doesn't get what he wants.

I have no family as they have all died Sad and none of my friends have room - certainly not for 2 months maybe a few days but no more than that.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 24/10/2011 16:45

What does he want? Do you know for certain that he doesn't want you to leave?

Are you working? Is the rental income from your property sufficient to fund a small flat/house share for a couple of months for you and ds?

izzywhizzysfritenite · 24/10/2011 16:48

Maybe you could get by through staying with assorted friends for a few days at a time, a week or so in a b&b, or perhaps one of them is going away over the Christmas/New Year period and you could house-sit for them.

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2011 16:49

Good idea, izzy.

How much rent do you get from your tenants? What sort of property is it, eg a 3 bedroomed house?

How much mortgage do you pay on it?

Whose bank account is the rental paid into? If yours, does he have access to this account in any way?

What sort of property could you get for the rental value minus the mortgage?

Do you work?

Is he the father of any children?

Original poster
advicecircles · 24/10/2011 16:50

I work but don't earn loads and it's not full time. The trouble with me renting somewhere is that everyone wants to tie you down to a 6 month tenancy. I could rent a flat but not for 6 months and it takes time to get references and I would need deposits etc.

Yes, I know he wouldn't want me to leave. I think he might get angry when he realises what decison I have made.

OP posts:
Original poster
advicecircles · 24/10/2011 16:53

He is not the father of my children. My house is a 2 bed and the "profit" after mortgage, letting fees and tax is about £350 a month. Flats go for around £500 a month round here.

The rent is paid to me. We have our own seperate bank accounts.

OP posts:
catsrus · 24/10/2011 16:57

depends on where you live - but when friends of mine had to move out temporarily (due to major structural work on a house) they did a deal with someone who let holiday flats for 2 months - at a much reduced rate to the holiday rate - as it is well out of season is there anywhere nearby like that? It worked beautifully for all concerned.

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2011 16:57

How old are your children? Would you need to pay for childcare?

Why don't you go onto the Entitled To website and see what you'd be entitled to if you were paying the difference in rent. You could start to look for a full time job once you were settled in.

I don't like the sound of him being angry. I'd be happier if you were thinking of moving quite a way away from him.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 24/10/2011 18:05

I suggest you give your tenants notice and deal with any fallout after.

In general I believe that honesty is the best policy, but if you do not feel capable of telling him that you intend to leave when your property is vacant perhaps you can invent a long-lost friend/relative who's returning to the UK and needs somewhere to stay for the 6 months required until they're entitled to the full gamut of benefits etc?

If he should kick off to the extent that he threatens you or is verbally/physically abusive, call the police as it's probable that they will temporarily remove him from the cottage as you can show evidence, namely the bills and letter from his employer that recognises that you reside in the property even though the letter, in itself, may not entitle you to the right to stay in occupation in the longer term.

However, I would suggest you explore more peaceful alternatives and castrus's suggestion would be the way to go - maybe there are guest cottages' or caravans in the area which are let for a low rent particularly for a 2month booking out of season?

Given what you''ve said about him, you seem unaccountably scared of this man - is there anything you haven't revealed, or that you are not admitting to yourself?

sharondaw · 24/10/2011 21:48

Can't you tell him that you've decided to sell the house so you are giving tenants notice,then soon as they've gone move back in.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 24/10/2011 23:12

That's a good one, sharon. There you go, OP. Problem solved - and the reason there's no for sale board up is that you need to get in and give it a makeoever before you put it on the market.

DontGoCurly · 25/10/2011 06:33

How likely us it realistically that he would find out if you give the tenants their notice ?

Original poster
advicecircles · 25/10/2011 13:15

I think there is a good change he would find out and I just want to cover my ass in case things get nasty. I don't think I really have any legal right to stay there you see unlike if we were renting or buying together.

I don't want to stay there indefinetely at all but I don't want my son and I to be homeless either.

I don't think DP would buy the long lost friend story or the selling of the house. He knows I'm unlikely to do either of those things.

I am looking into the short term holiday lets though and think this could be an answer although quite expensive. Thanks for the idea.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 25/10/2011 13:18

Tell the tenants that you want them to leave in two months, as you are planning to put the property on the market in the spring. Tell him the same.

Then move in.

Simples Wink

Saffysmum · 25/10/2011 13:19

Sorry, just read your message above mine.

Not so simples then....

GreenBlueRed · 25/10/2011 13:24

If it came to an emergency situation for you, you can buy a caravan very cheaply and quickly on ebay, and presumably know someone on who's field or driveway you could park it for a bit?

If you're looking at renting out of season holiday homes for a couple of months, check out any local park homes too, as these often offer really good value accommodation and are a good size.

You could also think about giving your tenants a free month's rent if they can leave within one month instead of two?

Original poster
advicecircles · 26/10/2011 14:47

Have phoned round most of the local caravan parks and I am trying to find holiday accomodation but don't seem to have a lot of luck. Most of them shut for the winter.

Shelter and womens aid, I either can't get through (womens aid) to or they tell me they can't help me on the phone (Shelter) and I need to go to a drop in centre 100 miles away!

I'm not in danger but just trying to find out my options and rights, goodness knows how people who are in danger get anything sorted and it makes me understand how some women feel trapped Sad.

I would love to tell DP that I need to move out for the sake of my mental and physical health (the stressful situation is making me quite ill) and I need my own space and time. In an ideal world he would tell me he loves me and will support me to make sure I am happy and healthy. When I have tried to talk to him about either making things better or us living apart but being together, he gets angry and tries to tell me all the things I (or my son) do wrong to counter my argument, he simply refuses to talk about it and, in my opinion doesn't care, as long as he gets what he wants.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 26/10/2011 14:53

what does he want, exactly?

Original poster
advicecircles · 26/10/2011 15:05

It's a long story and one I can't really go into on here.

Members of his family cause him a lot of problems and he won't stand up to them. He wants me to put up with a lot and be there for him and support him. He isn't interested in minimising the stress for me (I have no control over the situation whereas he does). If we didn't live together I could support him whilst the situation doesn't overtly affect me and my DS (this is what I did before) but since I have moved in I have so much more work and emotional stress (things have got worse).

He wants me to be completely self sacrificing whilst not changing his life at all for me and DS.

OP posts:
SolidGoldVampireBat · 26/10/2011 15:22

Remember that he has no right to stop you leaving the relationship. You are not an object, nor a slave and you do not need his permission to dump him. First, give the tenants notice. Then wait until the notice is up, while being calm and civil but distant with this tiresome man. You only need tell him you are leaving when you are ready to go, he can't stop you. If he does find out too early, then you can tell him that you are leaving and hope to do so with no further argument. Don't be drawn into any discussion about it. If he does become aggressive, as Izzy says, you will be able to get him temporarily removed from the house while you sort out somewhere else for you and DC to stay.

AddamsflimFlamily · 26/10/2011 15:30

On a practical note, when we needed temporary accommodation we found people through an estate agent who were having trouble selling their (empty) house and were happy to rent it for a few months. You could ask estate agents if they know anyone whose house is empty and not selling.

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