Am I overreacting? Please tell me!

[blossom123]

Just had a horrible Weekend with DP, again left feeling angry, frightened for the future. In a nutshell DP suffered a nervous breakdown earlier this year and is now on AD's, it been a pretty bad 8 months tbh and really has taken its toll on me. The issues have always been with him, lack of self esteem, self hatred culminating in complete melt down. Anyway thought the meds were helping and things were getting on an even keel. But recently found a message on his mobile phone "saying loved having tea, come again soon xx" I did challenge him @ the time and he said it was a client, I said I thought it was an odd thing for a client to send this. Anyway fast forward to Saturday night, must admit I got a bit drunk (nothing to be proud of but there you go) and I brought up this stupid phone message and it turns out he has repeatedly been lying because it was not a client but woman he knows from the workplace ( she really is not a very nice person), he said there nothing in it at first, basically I did not believe him, eventually he admitted that they had a good chat, she took his mobile to put her number in and then came to his workshop to offer sex a couple of days later( she does this with anyone in trousers from what I hear). Anyway I digress, I actually don't think he has done anything but it is the deceit and the lies. He also told her about very intimate things is has just made me see red as I was not "allowed" to discuss this with anyone. He also made a point of saying that he is propositioned all the time. I had enough of listening to his crap and went to bed. Sunday morning he starts on me again, literally going over top, saying I am always accusing him of having affairs ( I don?t) telling me I am always being unfaithful ( we have been tog 18 years and I have never been unfaithful) calling me horrible names and accusing me of being a control freak, he then fucks off for 3 hours with the dogs. I was hoping he would calmer when he got back but no starts again, saying I don't let him do anything, he is not my puppy dog, god this sounds ridiculous. Basically I could even look at him after this last outburst and spent to rest of the day ignoring him. This morning he has gone to off gone to work and kissed me on the cheek like nothing has happened. I just don't what to believe anymore, I feel sick. Is it the illness of is he just him being a horrible bastard, none of this makes any sense anymore

^ Totally agree ILoveTIFFANY, you put it better than me. Once you know what you are dealing with it makes it easier to cope. GPs usually have very limited psychiatric experience and being so overworked dealing with (as many see it ) "proper illnesses" they don't have the time nor inclination to properly follow up either.

Any, thanks for your comments. You speak a lot of sense, DP is bieng a pig but this almost came of of the blue as things have been getting better. Re the woman you may think "slut" is a bad word but she is a nasty peice of work with no morals what so ever, I feel for her DH she has been reponsible hurting a lot of people.

blossom, your husband is being the pig here

this woman means nothing to you, other than a very convenient (for your husband, of course) way to misdirect your anger onto someone else

make sure your disgust and derision is reserved for the person that most deserves it

If you mean that she has slept with women's partners, then those men were primarily responsible for the hurt, just as she is primarily responsible for hurting her husband. Do you judge the men she's slept with as sluts? Do you apply the same epithet to your partner, for engaging in sexual flirting with another woman?

Put the blame for this where it is deserved. You are being manipulated and your partner is unfortunately trading in on your sexism.

DP was actually seeing a phych after being refered by the GP, I actually think he is more than just depressed, he admited that he had not taken his meds for 3 days ( then denied it next day) but he has almost been manic the past week. It crossed my mind he might be into something like coke. He went absolutely mad when I asked. To be honest I acutally don't know what to anymore

Warning: arm chair diagnosis suggestion coming!

You using the word "manic" indicates bipolar disorder rather than standard depression.

"During a manic episode, a person might impulsively quit a job, charge up huge amounts on credit cards, or feel rested after sleeping two hours. During a depressive episode, the same person might be too tired to get out of bed and full of self-loathing and hopelessness over being unemployed and in debt."

Does that sound like him? His interaction with this woman could have come during a "manic" phase where his rational judgement was impaired.

"The disorder affects your energy level, judgment, memory, concentration, appetite, sleep patterns, sex drive, and self-esteem"

Some anti depressants can actually trigger manic episodes.

Lithium and other mood stabilizers, antipsychotic drugs, and some types of antidepressants are used to treat bipolar depression. Is he monitored regularly by a psychiatrist to asess if his meds are working effectively?

I really think your husband should go back to his GP and ask for another referral to the psychiatrist

The more you post, the more I think you are not in any position to deal with this by yourself

Personally, I would leave or ask him to leave until he

1. gets his mental health needs attended to properly

2. he can demonstrate he is taking the professionals advice and not pissing about with his meds

3. he is not going to take all these difficulties out on you, and frankly not giving a shit he is making you unhappy

4. you are satisfied he is not cheating on you

If he isn't willing to address his issues himself you cannot force him to do so. And I don't see why you would stick around to be treated so appallingly by him if he doesn't.

Windsor, I think any man or woman who is happy to betray DW/DH and go out of their way to sleep with people knowing they are in relationship will have no respect, I do not see myself as sexist., I would apply for same term to male or female. Listening to everyone posts and I thank you he has either completely lost is again or covering up something he has done or about to do. I can?t make up my mind. What has actually really upset me is him divulging very personal intimate info with a known gossip and person of her character, I feel incredibly betrayed. He has spoken to several people including a female friend and I thought this healthy.

I agree that anyone who is happy to betray their partner with someone who is in a relationship, has no respect.

But that's your partner isn't it? Unless that is, you don't regard what he's done as a betrayal.

What I'm trying to get across is that it's not helpful to judge this woman's behaviour as being any worse than your partner's.

And to recommend a large dollop of scepticism about the whole story and his role in events. I do think he needs psychiatric help, but I have a feeling that this bloke would be a sexist, abusive dick whether he was ill or not.

Regardless, you really don't have to put up with the effects of his illness and so I would suggest a parting of the ways while he gets treatment and then see whether he emerges as a kind, decent man who's worthy of a relationship with you.

Agree withi what WindsorTides And AF have said.

I have to sit him down tonight and get to bottom of things, whether it is what I want to hear or not. Everyone seems to think he is behaving very badly, I of course did know that but you begin doubt your own sanity. Have spoken to him several times today and he thinks it ok to carry on as normal. But I just can't, he can not speak to me like that and think its ok. If I don't get some sense from him then I think that I have no choice but to ask him to leave. The thought terrifes me if I am honest. I live in the middle of nowhere very little rl support. This man used to my best friend but now he seems like a stranger.

Scary stuff indeed, blossom

The very least he needs to do for himself is get his mental health sorted

Deliberately not taking meds is a very bad sign

Taking it out on you, and projecting his fucked-up attitudes is a very bad sign

I wouldn't stick around and watch him do it, tbh, if he doesn't acknowledge there is a huge problem and then take objective steps of his own accord to sort it out

Any you make it sound so easy. I actually feel physically sick.

Awww, sweetheart, I am sorry you are feeling so upset

FWIW, I wouldn't expect any of this to be easy and neither that it be sorted in one fell swoop

You know what I saying is right, though yes ?

Your starting point is...what would be the first step he should take ?

Clue; he needs to acknowledge there is a problem

The step you need to take ?

Acknowledge that you cannot solve it for him. And that taking on the role of verbal punchbag while he works it out helps neither of you

I don't think that many people 'sluts' or not just come on randomly to other people without some sort of hint or idea that it will be well received.

Your 'prudish' partner had the town bike around for tea, spent who knows how long chatting to her about intimate stuff and having a good chat and then lied to you repeatedly about it.

Now that he has admitted to what little he has he has turned it all on you and made it all your fault. You are accusing. You are cheating. You are lying. You are controlling

None of this appears to be his fault, poor little poppet. The evil vamp/tart/slut/town bicycle obviously forced her way into having tea with him, tortured him for the lovely chat and intimate information and threw herself at him while he cowered in total fear and prudism (is that a real word)? On top of that he is a saint having to live with such an evil wicked controlling woman like yourself.

Health problems or not he is treating you badly and you really do not deserve it.

Update, had a very calm measured chat last night. He is absolutely mortified by his behaviour over the weekend and said he absolutely scared shitless @ the moment. This all goes way beyond depression, he described hearing voices and just not in control. Coming to terms with actually having a problem is a good start. I have told him unless he is prepared to have therapy try and stick to the meds then I can no longer continue like this. I already feel I have begun to disconnect. He has appointment with psychiatrist tomorrow first thing and said he willing to give therapy a try. Just wants these horrible feeling to stop. I think he made a very stupid mistake about talking to this woman and hope he has now told me the whole truth, I am half tempted to speak with her, she apparently self harms and is very mixed up, kind of the last person he needs to ne chatting with..

blossom, if he is hearing voices, it also rings "bipolar disorder" to me too. My dad was very much like this when I was growing up. Part of the illness unfortunately does include, in manic stages, acting completely irrationally. By no means does this mean that your DH should be off the hook for behaving like an ass, but it does make it difficult to know where the line is between blamin the illness and blaming the man. Thankfully, the medication has improved immensely in the last 15 years and can be very effective.

Thanks Badger, I always thought is was more than depression, he was slowly getting more manic last week ans well weekedn total nightmare. He is feeling suicidal but having DS and me to think about is the only think stopping him. Glad is seeing the doc tomm,