Don't know what to do and feel disaster is just round the corner

[RufusTFirefly]

Sorry this is long.

Perhaps this should be in the Mental Health topic but it's sort of to do with relationships - mine with myself and my conviction that no man will want me.

I have bipolar and it's biting me in the arse, depression-wise. Lithium is no longer doing jack shit and my blood levels (of L in the bloodstream) keep shooting up and crashing down. My shrink has tried various meds but nothing touches it. I am devoid of motivation and energy. I can manage work but always dread Mondays as I have often frittered the weekend away doing nothing - like this weekend. Monday is busy and for me is the worst day of the week.

My flat is untidy and needs hoovering. (The kitchen worktops and the loo are OK though.) My shrink's discharged me (driven by budget cuts) Anyway I'm worried because I've now tried other meds but they haven't worked.

I am so unhappy and lonely, and this is partly because I've got no gigs in the book. I have been planning a demo for ages (I did a CD in 1999 but had a bad breakdown.) Before the breakdown I had got a super review from a well respected jazz critic, and a record label were interested too. When I started gigging again after being ill I found the scene has changed and I've been forgotten. The vile things I went through from 1999 until quite recently when I got a better job have knocked me for six, and I have little confidence. So many jazz people rate me, but I don't rate myself.

As for the demo, I'm finding it hard to organise it and the musicians are being rather vague (trying to get jazz musicians to firm up on anything is like trying to nail jelly to the wall.) But I must do it to show my voice as it is now - stronger and a bigger range than before due to coaching from two top singers.

Work is horrible right now and feelings among all the staff are running high. I've had a serious run-in with one and now I'm scared to go to work. The person concerned and I did patch it up at my instigation, but I am scared. Even though I apologised.

I have cut myself off from all my friends and when not at work, see very few people. I don't really want it to be that way but I'm so tired and conversation's an effort. I really hate myself and call myself horrible names, and sometimes I hit myself with coathangers or I punch myself. I am NOT CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE as I am afraid to do it. I just wish I could press a button which not only made me cease to be, but fixes it so that I never existed at all.

My memories - good and bad - are tormenting me. Just three weeks before the breakdown I auditioned for "The Club for Acts and Actors" in London, and passed (a lot of applause etc.) Never been there since. Whose fault? Mine, of course.

A man? I would like a man to love and he to love me. I'm pretty old but scrub up about ten years younger than I am. (Not boasting; it's just genetic and doesn't make me better than anyone else). But I can't put myself on dating websites because no man would want me, with my stinking disease and all my baggage, including rape. Really I would only want a jazz person because they understand about not blowing out gigs whatever the circumstances, and we'd always have our passion for the music to share.

I'm not asking for solutions. I just posted because I'm so lonely

oh rufus :( I really don't know what to say but didn't want to leave you alone...

Rufus I know how you feel about a lot of what you have posted. I have not found answers for myself yet but I know the terrible dispair and lonliness. I swear my flat at times looks like 10 teenage boys live here unsupervised. I also often cannot keep friendships as it is too much effort.

I have a friend that has bipolar too (in London if thats where you are), and when she is ok, she has held down a job ok and has dated - and there ARE men out there that love her for who she is along with baggage. Yes, some do flee but she is always honest with them and some nice guys over the years have stuck around. In this state of mind there is no hope, I know, but if you can get your meds sorted out then the world will seem better.

I think you need to see your psyciatrist again. Have you told your GP it is getting worse and you are self harming? It will cost a lot more for a psyciatric admission and you be unempoyed and on benefits than to treat you now - so remind them of that!

I feel so bad for you - I hope you get the care you need soon

Before I head off to bed just also wanted to say there are great people here and you should post if it helps you feel less lonley. I have not been here long but have had fantastic support :)

You DON'T have a stinking disease, honey. You have bipolar disorder which can be caused by genetic, physiological, or environmental factors and which affects numerous individuals who are creative and involved in the arts.

It's DISGRACEFUL that your pyschiatrist has discharged you even though s/he's failed to get your meds right. Get yourself to your GP and ask to be referred to a mental health establishment that's worthy of the name.

And, if you haven't done so already, check out www.mdf.org.uk and join or start a self-help group so that you can associate with others who'll be there for you when the darkness sets in - just like you'll be there for them.

Just a quick note before I go to work. Many thanks, all of you. I've decided to go to the GP - will try for tomorrow as I'm already having a flu/pneumonia jab then.

Bipolar myself, had some bad times but now stable and very happily married.

• don't let the medics give up on you
• keep a diary of mood etc to show doctors how treatments are working/not

-appreciate the good that bipolar brings eg your creative side

Don't know how long you have been on lithium? For me it took years to really stabilise me, but it has in the end.

Don't give up on yourself! A full happy life is possible with bipolar, its just harder work for us!

Hi everyone. Can't say too much about work as this is the internet and it may come back to bite me on the arse. All I can say is I am not in trouble, but it was about a situation where two people thought I talked out of turn. Four other people present, whom I asked about it, don't agree. One is very senior. I've got to just suck it up, though. My manager was supportive but inclined to agree with the two detractors. I have decided never to stick my neck out again. We are all under pressure with a reorganisation coming up anyway and I haven't got the energy for a feud.

Insomniac, I have been on lithium for nearly eight years. It was great at first but seems to have "pooped out". Lamotrigine has done jack shit for depression, but has helped with migraine. I don't want any "fat" drugs as it has taken me ages to lose the drugfat I put on. I would be miserable if fat (I remember it all too well), plus I can't afford a whole new wardrobe - I slung the tents and giant jeans out when I lost the weight. I mean no disrespect to anyone who is carrying extra weight, by the way.

My shrink is very good, and nice - not his fault he discharged me, but he has been given orders from above to discharge a lot of people because of a major reorganisation in services. He was completely frank about this. I can go to another team where I'd be back with my former shrink who was like a mother to me. I know she won't lay down the law about "fat" drugs. Will ask my GP (also supportive) if she can refer me when I see her.

Some Quaker elders are coming to see me at home - I haven't been up to going to Meeting for ages so they are bringing it to me. I know this will help - will have to clear up before they come!

Thanks again for your support, and I'll keep you posted about how I get on.