why can't i talk to dh

[ReastieHorrorShow]

I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom in tears. I have been for over an hour now. DH is downstairs with dd.

What I want to say to him is 'I think I have pnd. I cry alot when you're not around, I constantly feel like something is missing, I feel ugly, unloved and tired. Today I keep having fantasies about dying as it would be easier if I wern't here at all' (the last bit I wouldn't actually do, but it's freaking me out getting the thoughts)

He comes in and sees I'm crying and I can't tell him - I don't know why but I can't. Instead I just think about how we might split up and the logistics of splitting things we own jointly.

What shall I do? He knows I'm up here crying and is just ignoring me. He came and sat with me but sat on the other side of the room and just went all quiet and said 'what do you want me to say?' (his favourite line). He made no attempt to hug me or be physical or caring in any way. I've been crying on and off all day. He went off in a huff saying it's always his fault as if he's moaning that I keep blaming him for everything.

Does this sound normal? Are we doomed? Why can't I tell anyone about my depressive thoughts? Any replies please if you read this - I'm still in floods of tears :(

The fraud feelings are really common, I think, I know I had those. It'll be when you're better and looking back that you'll realise how real it is/was.

I remember the mental images, I used to have horrible intrusive 'guilt fantasies' about accidentally dropping DS, or standing on him .

I have been exactly where your dh is.

My dw suffered with awful depression for six years after we were married.

We males just want to fix everything and find it hard to cope with the fact that we cant fix depreesion. Most of us see it as our job to keep you happy and functioning properly.

I eventually went for counselling which helped me to see how I could practically help dw.

We spent many hours in our room with her sitting in one corner crying and me sitting the other side either silent or saying all the wrong things.

Try not to be too hard on your dh, hes just being a man.

Get yourself to your gp.

Get your dh some counselling

Good luck

Write it down and hand it to your GP.

You are not a fraud, but everyone feels some relief when they tell someone close to them something important, and you're no different. It doesn't mean you're fine all of a sudden.

Your dh may not be able to help much; he sounds like one of those people who finds it hard to deal with emotions, their own and other people's (unless perhaps they are positive).

GPs are good at taking a note from a patient, reading it and putting together a couple of 2s and making 4 out of them. I've done it, and I know I'm not the only person in the world to have ever done so. Don't be scared. You just need to communicate one way or another, and if you can't do it by speaking then you can by writing.

Oh, Roastie - I winced reading your posts! I had 2 does of PND in 1981 and 1990. Both went untreated and I got out of them myself - hardest thing I ever did!

I still hate thinking about it and remembering it - it (on both occasions) was a very hard time! I blamed my lovely husband for everything (When I look back, I cannot understand why he stayed with me) - don't let it it get to that state!

Go to your doc and tell him/her EXACTLY how you are feeling. They are much more clued up about PND these days.

Go and see your doctor - or talk to your HV - tell them exactly how you are feeling. There's no shame in it - it's jsut how you are at the moment.

thanks guys. The relief didn't last long - I'm back to feeling miserable :( Strangely DH has mentioned nothing about it since . He's been a bit gentler and nicer than usual but has not mentioned it at all. It's making me feel . Now it's in the open I thought he might ask me a bit more about it, but maybe that's going to be it with him - he knows I think I have pnd and that's that

The note writing is a great idea - I feel a little at giving a gp a letter an not saying anything, but hopefully I can write far more eloquently a summary of how I feel overall.

busy I tried to tell my HV. I tried so hard :( I just said 'yeah things are up and down' in the hope she'd delve deeper. She didn't.

Don't worry about handing him/her a note. I suspect most GPs have had that happen at least once in their professional lives.

Sorry you're feeling shit again.

Your dp may simply not know how to deal with it, not know even what it is, not know whether talking about it will set you off crying or worse, or help. He may feel completely helpless. Is he one of those who needs to be told "now's a good time to give me a hug"?

yes jux he is. Although he should know by now it's always a good time for a hug

Reastie, I had exactly those feelings of wanting to drive my car into a tree when I had PND with E. So much so, that the GP pretty much banned me from driving for 2 weeks. I wasn't diagnosed with it till E was 5 and a half months old. I gave up bfing then (which I do feel guilty about) but taking the medication helped so much, it was worth it for me. Maybe you could ask Needto to phone you after your appointment to see how you are? It's so important that you get help to get well. Remember all of us on the February thread think that you are doing a fantastic job with A. Now put some of that care and attention into you.

www.moodscope.com
www.bemindful.co.uk

Please don't feel a fraud for feeling better if you've talked about it feel proud for taking that step. The next step is to see the doctor and talk about how you're feeling. In the meantime you say you're tired which I have always found is a time when I am vulnerable to depression so maybe the concrete thing your husband could do is help you to get some more rest. I use moodscope to track my mood to help me realize it goes up as well as down even though sometimes that takes a while. You spend about a minute rating 20 different emotional staes 0-4. The good thing is that loads of people are doing it everyday so it is a reminder that you are not alone that this is something people go through and can come out the other end.

thanks guys, I finally told dh all last night. I think he was at how bad I feel sometimes. He offered to come to the GP with me. I don't know if I'll take him up on it but at least I think he will make me go!

I feel odd now - sort of relief that he knows but also I feel really down - like I've been fighting this so long and now I'm finally admitting to myself and dh that something isn't right it's given me permission that this is how I feel.

tad thank you for that. I think I've been putting off going to the gp as a) I keep telling myself I don't have a problem, that I'm fine really b) I don't want to stop bfing c) I've taken 3 different anti depressants in the past and I've never really noticed a great difference in myself when taking them so I don't want to just be given pills and passed along and forgotten about

Well done, roastie, I bet that was hard.

You're right, I think, that now you have told someone how you feel you now have less need to hide it, so you have, in a way, given yourself permission to feel how you feel and so you do (if that makes sense). TBH, I think this will be more helpful than trying to shut it out and pretend to be something else; let's face it, if you don't know how you feel, then no one else can, so you're less likely to get the help you need.

Have you got an appt with the doc? It's your next step.

I don't know how you and your dh would feel about some counselling, but I think you would both find that helpful too. He needs to know how he can help you, and at the moment you sound like you're so tangled up that it might be hard for you to know what you need from him. Couple counselling will help you untangle yourself and could do wonders for the communication between the pair of you, especially as that's clearly not one of his strong points

jux my apt is this afternoon . I'll see what gp says re counselling.

Oh, good luck for this afternoon (which is nearly over now!). I hope it went well and you're on the road to positive help.

Thanks jux . I've been given drugs and told to ring my hv to come for a home appointment.

Just read through this - well done for getting to the doctors. (On two occasions I've handed doctors a note, the first was when I felt like a fraud and wanted to outline all the symptoms of depression that I had. The second was when I had overwhelming panic and couldn't speak. I'm very sure it is common for mental health conditions.)

Good, it's a start. You will ring her, won't you? Or get dh to do it for you; that's something concrete he can do to help you, which will make him feel better too.