How do you start again at 50?

[Poppysquad]

I am 50 years old and have been separated from my husband for 8 months, on his instigation. Following a number of months of counselling he has now decided that he is happier on his own than with me and our DS. So the relationship that has lasted more than half of my life is now over.

I have been kidding myself since he left that the relationship could be rescued and have not really faced up to the situation. Now there's no choice.

What next? I feel such a failure. How the hell do you start to re-build your life? So much is running through my mind - our son and his future, finances, other relationships. Just stuggling to start to sort out what to do next.

You are not a failure. The marriage ran its course, that's it. Very sad and disruptive, but no indication of failure. By 50, you must have suffered some bereavements ... they aren't 'failures', are they? Like any other bereavement, this one (your marriage, retirement plans, etc) needs grieving. Allow that.

Sort out the finances, homes and other practical arrangements.

Learn to be selfish. This is, now, time for you. Indulge your emotions - grieve in 2-hour baths if you like, get yourself a lovely soft blanket to comfort you on the sofa, take your time.

Remember the things you used to love doing - old hobbies, creative pursuits, sports and games, clothes shopping, everything - and give them all a run, to see what you love now. Then try out some new things.

DON'T look for a replacement man to fill the hole you seem to have in your life. Make your OWN life complete first; Mr2 will turn up in time if that's on the cards. DO get back in touch with old friends, even if they're from way back. We've all had bumpy lives, you know, we're very tolerant of re-appearing names and complicated life stories now!

Remember to eat properly :)

Poppysquad - try not to look at having the task of sorting out the whole thing. It is overwhelming. Take it one bit at a time, if needs be, one baby step at a time initially. Paramount - Look after your well-being - food, sleep, exercise, doing little things which give you comfort everyday like a nice warm bath, watching your favourite films, having a nice, soft blanket to wrap up in on the sofa - whatever comforts you. If you look after yourself well, you will cope with dealing with things better. Write things down if that helps, rather than everything you feel you need to sort out, going round in your head and becomine overloaded. Be kind to yourself.

Hi Poppy. I'm 52, and about to start over. I'm scared stiff, having been with my DP for nearly 30 years. Please don't think of this as a failure, though - the relationship has run its course, and you have been courageous in facing up to things.

Remember you still have much to give. You have also achieved much in your life. Life is full of ups and downs, and you have reached a time in your life when perhaps you can concentrate on your own needs. Be good to yourself, nurture your interests - find a new hobby perhaps? Remind yourself of what you have done for others - and don't feel guilty about indulging yourself.

Good luck.

Not far off your age and a broken heart too. 20 years and then nothing. Stick with us, come here and say whatever you want. There will be so many emotions. A broken heart makes a terrible sound when it is rattling inside you - so keeping busy is the very best thing - so you can't hear that rattle. I am joining things - even when I struggle. I am fine with people, but always cry when I leave. Which part of the country are you in? We really should all organise a meet-up - so many of us are out there. Not a failure my darling - not a failure at all. Life, alas.

I'm 51, and on the precipice of your situation.

In the event that the worst happens, I am planning to reorganise the house, plan a move, get a local job, spend more time with the kids, garden, get a FABULOUS haircut, lose two stones, pamper myself more, give up smoking, weekends away to visit old friends ......need I go on?

I'm scared too, and fear the loneliness eg in the evenings. But we can do it. Look at all the resources we needed to get this far in life.

Have you thought about a counsellor for you, too? A sort of life coach?

Big hugs

Hi I am seeing a counsellor - it was with my husband but will now be on my own. I am hoping that this will help.

I am just sat here in tears this morning. DS is spending today and tomorrow with my husband. I'm working tomorrow and am seeing a friend in the evening but haven't really got anything organised for today - I hate this feeling of emptiness. I feel like I a being punished for being a bad wife.

Overwhelmed again by the enormity of the changes....I hate this

Punkatheart - I am in NE Wales

Counselling helps Poppy. it's still early days for you. It will get better. A meet up! Sounds good to me, if there will be and and (cake emoticon). I am in Staffordshire, so N Wales not too far..

Poppysquad, I'm 54 and was almost 50 when my ex-H left me 4 years ago. I felt just the same as you, scared and hurt. My daughter was aged 7 at the time and I was devastated at what I perceived to be the unravelling of my family.

Four years on I have a happy secure child and an amicable relationship with her father. I've got used to being single and I'm sure that given time you'll see the advantages. I did rush into an unsatisfactory rebound relationship though so beware of doing anything like that. I'd like to meet someone again, not for marriage but companionship, but won't fall apart if it doesn't happen. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger :)

Hello Poppy
Dont feel despondent......Im 50...just starting out again....just moved into own house after renting for 6mths after selling marital home.......YOU WILL BE OK.....but take each day as it comes....I thought I would get back with H but now I realised how in compatible we were...and really stayed for the childrens sake.....which is not good! Have 15yo son with me and my 26yo daughter has moved in with me (to save money)...my 13yo son is with his Dad...which has worked out ok....though of course I miss him....

My marriage wasn't particularly happy....this is a NEW start for me....50 isn't old......I work full time....love my job.....and look forward to lots of 'NICE' things...that I want to do.....good luck xx

Take heart - 50 is the new 30, honey, and we're all only as old as we feel or, as some would have it, as old as the guy we're feeling.

There are hundreds of inspiring posts on these boards from women who have experienced exactly what you are going through now. Here's one that may give you hope that, given time, you will recover your zest for life:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1260257-Does-time-really-heal-this-terrible-pain-24-year-marriage-ended

If your face is showing signs of weariness and unhappiness I recommend a professional facial and make-up session with threading (for eyebrows) which will give you an instant 'years younger' look, followed by a sharp new hair cut and colour (if necessary) to lift your spirits every time you catch sight of yourself in a mirror.

Go through your all of your clothes (and undies) with a ruthless eye and bin anything that holds unhappy memories or is downright unflattering, and plan new outfits and/or accessories to give you a wardrobe to suit every occasion.

Your changed life is full of possibility and opportunity - enjoy!

My OH is still messing us around with money and finally (being shamed by his mother) sent an apology email. In it he wrote 'I hope you are well.' My DD said: 'Yeah, tell him your cancer has completely cleared up. Chump.'

So she can make me laugh and that's the thing - perhaps finding a dark humour in things, delighting in good friends and coming here to empty out all the negative thoughts.

Sending hugs to all.

xx

Cried and cried when my DH came and collected our DS and took him away for a couple of days. Missing DS and mourning the loss of the DH. This is the first time I have seen him since he's told me it's all over. When does this stop?

Oh my poor love. I want to put my arms around you. No - I don't know when it stops but we pay a huge price for being soft, for loving so deeply. I am not brave enough to talk to OH or see him. It breaks me to pieces even to think of him. So I understand.

Sending love and empathy.

Say IT WILL GET BETTER. Say it now. It will it will it will......

Half term and I am taking a couple of days off with DS. Lots of quiet time though and loads of thoughts running through my mind. How could my DH leave us? How can he bear to be away from our DS? I remember the good times we had together - why wasn't he prepared to try and save our relationship? I have lost my partner, my best friend and my dreams of what our future could have been have been blown appart.

I am truely frightened of being lonely. I am scared about the impact that this whole thing will have on my teenage son. And I am worried about my own mental health. I don't want to be depressed - my son keeps telling me that I've changed and when will I get back to my old self.

Desperately need something positive to focus on

Dear Poppy,
focus on something near and achievable not on anything to far away. If it is just to say I will get up at this time in the morning and do x or we will go out for a walk. If it is very painful then don't think too far ahead. Write a list of tiny things to do and then tick them off. Try to eat and if you are depressed then go to the GPs.

Your son will be ok if he sees that you're ok. But at 15 he can understand that there will be times when you feel sad, as I'm sure there will be for him, so if I were you I'd be open with him about that.

Don't get maudlin now Poppy. Bet that marriage wasn't quite as rosy as your thinking about it now. It's come to an end, as many relationships do. You need time to adjust and time to see that your new life can still be happy and fulfilling. Give yourself that time and be kind to yourself for a good few months yet.

You say you are afraid of being lonely, may I ask why? What in particular frightens you about it? I feel lonely sometimes, I take it as a signal to get out more and see friends and do stuff - or sometimes I just feel lonely if I can't be bothered to do something about it. It's not too bad and it passes.

If your worried about falling into depression, I think you need to accept you will experience sadness, but that's a normal healthy reaction to any loss. Exercise is very good for warding off depression. But if you do start to feel like you may be really depressed then you could see your GP as starting point - but face that if it happens, don't anticpate it now.

You will get through this and out the other side. x

Thanks all, I don't really know anyone else who is going through this at the moment and your support has been great and I am taking notice.

I have organised some sessions at the gym with a friend next week and have booked an appointment with my GP. I also tried some retail therapy - and my new trousers are a size smaller. Could do with being a couple of sizes smaller but it's a start.

I am also working on cutting off contact with my DH. Like Punkaheart I can't bear to speak with him at the moment as it is too painful. My DS calls him regulary and I am afraid that I still my ask my DS how he is, where he is etc, but I am weaning myself off contacting DH myself.

I am wondering if it's time to get some legal advice. I have avoided this to date, hoping that it would all be OK and everything would be rosy.

Poppy, hard as it is the best thing is to allow yourself to feel sad when the feeling is there. I am 47 and 16 months down the line. I thought I was with the love of my life and when it ended after 14 years I went into freefall. I gave myself permission to feel all the pain - it's the only way to get rid of it. If you hide from the pain it will come back and bite you on the bum time and time again; when you're on your own, when you're not expecting it and in future relationships. Now, I'm actually glad it happened and I would never go back to my previous life. I feel like I've been given another chance. You are ONLY 50, maybe not even half way through your life yet! You won't feel like that now but you will get there. Just by posting on here and acknowledging your real feelings is a really positive step towards healing.