Petty, childish, irrational, and can probably chuck in hormonal too, but still need to outpour....

[FlameRobin]

Brief history... My dad left us when I was 11, and went to live with his lover and her two young children. He has been gone for 13 years, is pretty much the only father those girls have ever known, and is still with them.

Over the years, we haven't been close - we started off with regular visits, but as I reached teenagerdom, it all died off and we saw each other sporadically.

Then, 3 years ago, I fell pregnant. I finally started to have a relationship with my dad - ok not desperately regular, but the most we've had in years. It has been something I had always wanted, and although its still not much, it has meant a lot to me.

I'm now pregnant with the second one, and things have been going well.

Yesterday I found out that my sort of step sister (they never married) is pregnant. She is very young, and is very close to him.

I have never had anything against the girls - they didn't choose the situation and it is good that they got to grow up with a dad, but there has always been the occasional pang of "but did it have to be MY dad??".

I now feel like everything that I have started to build up will be shattered - his proper daughter (not blood, but much more of a daughter) is now going to be having his grandchild... where does that leave me? The only thing that has brought us together over the years is me having his granddaughter - now I feel like I don't have that anymore and it will all fall apart again.

The grown up part of me says it is petty, she is young, not in a great stage to be pregnant, and probably terrified - she needs all the support I can get.

The small child part of me keeps dissolving into tears at the thought of losing my dad again.

I was hoping putting it into words might make it all more clear in my head, but I'm just as confused as ever. There's already been the comments of "oh, you can pass baby clothes onto her", and I just keep thinking - but I don't want to, they are for MY baby, she can get her own things for a change.

I feel soooo tiny and petty, and I still just can't snap out of it.

sounds a normal way to feel to me. Go with the emotions, is there anyone non-judgmental you can tell so it doesn't stay inside iykwim. I suspect that if you have contact with the baby you'll like him/her in reality, even if you remain resentful (perfectly reasonably if you ask me) in the abstract. Don't snap out of it- just accept that's how you feel, but don't bottle it iykwim, just recognise it. It is a perfectly normal reaction.

Sounds normal to me, and it's hard to "snap out of it" when pg. Just go with it, accept it's normal and keep your baby clothes!

I will probably sob all over my friend tomorrow - she knows the whole situtation, and is good at listening to me ranting about my dad!!!

im sorry, but your dad sounds like a horrible person to me.
he didnt take pparticularly good care of his daughter. why would he be so great to his grandchildren?
and you are his proper daughter. both by blood, and by the first eleven years of your life.
this girl isnt your sister. you dont have topass on baby clothes to her if you dont want to. but it will probably a good idea to have some contact witht he new baby, so you dont have negative feelings for the baby, iyswim.

Ah, poor you. I think your feelings are understandable - she grew up with your father and you didn't. I sometimes feel the same about my step sister: she spent much more time with my dad as a child than I did and I have had moments of pure envy (my dad left my mum when I was 4). I don't really have any constructive advice and wish I did, I just think it's outside your control and you've got to try to accept that this is the case. Are you close enough to your dad that you could say 'I don't want to lose touch with you, can you reassure me that we'll still see you?' You certainly don't have to pass anything on to her, not at all.

Thought I should just clarify - its my MUM who is suggesting the clothes passing on... she can be all rational and outsider about it, I guess its all different feelings for her again.

You are all helping by making me feel less crazy and irrational - probably just accepting all the feelings will make life a lot easier.

just another angle to consider, maybe having babies close in ages means people are assuming you and your half sister are going to become closer because of the kids.

doesnt stop you being resentful etc i know.

and dont pass on anything u dont want to.

oh sweetheart - not irrational or petty at all. i'd say your completely honest about your feelings, well done! dont hold in your feelings, hey, it will just be a pour out come giving birth time.
i agree with all the comments about when pregnant. you know we become raving luny trolls!!! xx
personally i think you seem like such a big hearted person that come time when your sis has baby you will be the awesome aunty and you will do what comes naturally when it comes to passing down baby's clothes (never know shw may have boy, you a girl or vice versa).
having babies in the same year will probably bond you and your step sis closer - my half sis (she's 3 years my junior) only met when she was 18 and we are best mates before sisters, but our bond is unbreakable, now we have kids it is even stronger.
and as for your dad, honey, of course you dont want to lose him. we are all daddy's girls i think. i hope he can do right by you. maybe you and your step sis having babies may put him in the picture more for you.
try to maybe look at it like your family is getting bigger and bigger. kids and their cousins are great, it makes sure they always have little friends around.
i know i am offering alot of maybe's, i'm sorry for that but i think you will make great Aunty FlameRobin xxxx

Gravity - you may have made me cry again (not hard to do though ), but for good reasons. Where I've been all confused and mixed up, I've found it all too much to be able to see the positive side.

I have always liked her - I hardly saw her between about her being 7 and 15, and when we met again, I found it quite unnerving how similar we were - for step sisters who had grown up very apart, we have a hell of a lot in common, from personality to music tastes!

I had a huge crying fit last night, which seems to have helped clear my brain a bit. Now having read your post, I'm back to my initial gut reaction - she is a young girl (not long 17), I have no idea how stable things are with the boyfriend, and she has kept this a secret for a long time now (parents only told a couple of weeks ago, and she's not due long after me...). Poor girl must be so scared. At the end of the day, things will change with my dad - but yes, it could be for the better. But with all this - I seem to have had a much more stable life so far, with a very very close relationship to a great mum... I think she is probably more in need of a dad than me right now. It could be that this is what we have needed to bring us all closer again.

Thankyou so much. I can't tell you how much it means to have had you guys to unload to, and to help put it all into perspective. I knew if I came on here that people would be honest - If I was just being petty and childish, you would have all told me .

FR you sound lovely. Your step sis, dad and kids are all very lucky to have you in their lives. I suspect these feelings you are having are largely pregnancy related and entitely normal. When i was pregnant i had dreams about DP finding someone else and about my mum and dad having a new baby of their own! how weird (and medically impossible) is that - my parents are in their 60's!. I called them my 'jealousy dreams' and put them down to feeling more vulnerable due to my pregnancy. it is a time when you feel really aware of who you want / need for you and your baby and that makes us vulnerable - and yes, slightly irrational and loopy. i know i'm not really possesive and insecure - you're not either. good luck with your pregnancy.

Totally agree vitomum. My family was always dysfunctional and my dad left when I was 17 (though no stepfamily). Thought I had dealt with it all and overcome all emotional baggage - then when I was pregnant - bang, you've never seen such an emotional disater area - I was plagued by awful dreams about family and my past life, I was dreading seeing them, at one point I even considered moving abroad so I could keep my baby away from my family! It's now all calmed down and I feel much stronger and able to deal with it all. Pregnancy just does this to you I think... FR you are normal! You'll snap out of it after the baby is born - till then, indulge yourself and weep away, I did.

Flame... you know me! Honest and truthful..totally

you are NOT being childish about this at all. I know you well enough to know that you are an extremely big hearted girl, and you are already showing signs of wanting to be close to this step-sister, I know your mum shouldn't have mentioned passing on clothes, but it's just something mums do..put their gobs in action before their brain has been in gear!
This young girl will be scared, and she has not alredy given birth, you have, do you think you could offer her some practical advice? Erm.. what else.. yes, It was their mum who took your dad from you, not the girls, they have just been a pawn in the game, as you have been and your sister too.. wait til spark is born and your dad will be in love with him too... (Or her )
Will shuttup now cos im waffling xxxxxxx