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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A little help processing this please

22 replies

PleaseDontOutMe · 21/10/2011 22:19

test

OP posts:

Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 21/10/2011 22:23

If you work out who I am, please keep it to yourself.

My mother recently told me brother that our dad (who is dead) sexually abused him. My mother is mentally ill, and is now denying it.
My sister has, since then, admitted to a memory of our dad being very inappropriate with her, and my mum knowing it was going on but not intervening.
My brother, a while ago, accused my mum of having abused me. I thought it was total bullshit.

My sister just told me all this. She told me not to discuss with anyone (even DH). My brother doesn't know I know this.

I'm not sure what to think.

Help me please

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Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 21/10/2011 22:29

OP posts:

Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 21/10/2011 22:34

Is Mumsnet empty?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 21/10/2011 22:38

Get together as a family and talk about it, where it will lead though Im not sure, maybe counselling in the future.

If you need to talk to someone you should talk to your husband as he is the person closest to you.

Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 21/10/2011 22:40

Not a chance. We don't get on that well, and DSis won't let me tell DB or DM that I know.

I've told DH now, as I couldn't keep it to myself. He doesn't really have anything to say..

Thanks for answering Fabby. :)

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perfumedlife · 21/10/2011 22:42

Sounds like an awful web, and am suspicious of your sister telling you all this and then ordering you to discuss it with no one. What was she hoping to achieve by telling you this, if you cannot verify it or talk it over with the people concerned?

MadameWooOOoovary · 21/10/2011 22:43

Why would your sister tell you this? Is she seeking support? If so hopefully you can manage this together. So sorry, cannot imagine the pain and confusion you are feeling right now

Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 21/10/2011 22:44

I don't know. She's not the type to make things up, but the other two could be. She's freaking out I think.

OP posts:

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 21/10/2011 22:46

Maybe you should go and see your doctor. Ask to be refered for some specific counselling for this.
Sorry your DH doesn't know what to say, it's probably a huge shock for him to hear too.

ToothbrushThief · 21/10/2011 22:47

You need professional help to work through this
Sorry

hevak · 21/10/2011 22:49

Oh dear OP, I'm so sad for you (and your siblings) about this. :( What a horrible thing to hear.

I wish I could offer more constructive advice. Can you discuss this with your brother? If you can't discuss it with your siblings (assuming they don't want to, I mean), then perhaps you could see a counsellor? I'm guessing your DH is supportive, but out of his depth in terms of helping you "properly" IYKWIM (beyond just supporting you, I mean - sorry not explaining myself well here at all).

Perhaps you could open a conversation with your brother about how he told you that your mum abused you? See where the conversation goes from there?

So sorry this is happening and your siblings can't/won't talk about it. :(

I'm sure people with better practical advice will be along soon.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 00:31

Your sister's the one who needs counselling.

Don't break her confidence but encourage her to ask her gp for a referral for counselling so that she can find some way of resolving her childhood memories and experiences.

As for your brother, meet up with him and ask him face to face what he remembers of your childhood and why he believes that your mother abused you.

It may be that you have repressed memories of negative events in your young life, but I'm inclined to think that for some reason you escaped unwarranted attention from either of your parents.

Are you the youngest sibling?

Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 22/10/2011 00:37

I think you're right there Izzy, about my sister. Brother too.

I'm the middle child but have always been a bit more together than the other two.

Thanks everyone.

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abendbrot · 22/10/2011 00:47

Try childline - they help adult victims of abuse as well. They really are the experts and have seen it all before. They will help you make sense of this.

Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 22/10/2011 00:52

Thank you, but I really don't think I can deal with that right now.

Can I just forget I heard any of this maybe?

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Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 22/10/2011 00:56

I really don't feel abused.

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abendbrot · 22/10/2011 01:04

Childline have specially trained workers that may be able to tackle your problems in a more informed way. They may be able to ask you some key questions about what's been going on in your family and be able to help you make sense of it and know where to take it.

There is some sketchy advice on MN sometimes and that is why I am referring you on to people that know what they're talking about. Getting the family together to talk about it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me!

You could also try Womens Aid who have experience with abuse. I'm not saying you were abused, or might have been, but it must be a big shock for you to hear this and you need advice from people who are experts in the field.

Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 22/10/2011 01:08

Thank you so much. I don't mean to be dismissive, and I will give it some thought, but I'm not sure I really need to do anything for me right now. My siblings, however, I'm a bit worried for.

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ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 22/10/2011 01:09

No matter how much you want to, you can't just forget you heard it, no. :(

Your sister has absolutely no right to tell you who you can and cannot discuss this with.

I really think you need to speak to a professional to get help with this.

Big hugs

Original poster

PleaseDontOutMe · 22/10/2011 01:17

Thanks for the hug Chip. :)

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ToothbrushThief · 22/10/2011 08:08

Childline can give you advie on helping your siblings. Making that call is hard work because it's making it more real but it's the start to feeling differently rather than this confused hurt

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 22/10/2011 11:38

There are more here whenever you need them :)

I hope you got some sleep last night.

Did you know or suspect any of this before your sister said something yesterday?

It is an awful lot to take in - you really, really do need to talk to someone who can help you through this. A trained professional, one you like and feel OK talking to. It might not be the first person you talk to, you may have to try a couple of people... you can't put the Genie back in the bottle :(

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