wish i knew what was wrong with me

[amandagoodman]

hi there

ive only used mumsnet once, after looking for some ovulation kit advice! and i was so surprised at how helpful it was, i want to ask if anyone can help me with this "situation" i have.
im not sure if im posting this in the right section but here goes..
me and my husand have a two year old, and pretty much as soon as she was born i have this "thing " about sex.
i do enjoy sex and we have good sex (well i think so) but ever since she was born the thought of doing the things we used to do really repulses me.. i,e oral sex and anything a little spicey.
saying that i dont even feel like going on top, i just like misionary quick sex. i do enjoy it, but my poor husband is demented.. he keeps laying into me about how i "used" to be and how all i do now is kiss pull him on me and hurray job over.
i dont give him oral anymore the thought of doing anything like that makes me feel dirty or ashamed and i have NO idea why i feel like this.
whenever we try to talk about it, it ends in an argument and a seperate room night.
not sure how much longer i can go on feeling like this, my daughter is two now so i think the "ive just had a baby" excuse is wearing thin.
has anyone else experienced this? or know of anyone that has, and did they change in time? or is this just the way its going to be?
my husbands said some pretty nasty things to me when hes got a drink in him, how im boring now in bed and i dont show him that i fancy him anymore, yet he shows me all the time, i love him to bits and hes a great father and husband, i just cannot switch from mother, worker house wife.. to whore in the bedroom! its not dirty to give your husband a 'blow' but why do i think it is?

sorry if any of this sounds stupid, ive felt stupid for two years now, and i dont know how many more times i can cry about this and wonder what the heck is wrong with me!
thanks

Sorry to hear that tao :( However I really think if a marriage could be saved with a blowjob, it's probably not much of a marriage to save. Anyone who puts that sort of importance on sex over other things is most likely a knob.

sorry Tao, that sounded really arsey. I agree with Bertie, and as long as you're with someone like that you'll miss the opportunity to be with someone who'll treat you properly like you deserve.

well.. we had a chat, it was a little all over the place to begin with, he tells me men feel loved by sex etc and its just men in general that feel that way, i asked him if sex nad blowjobs! were more important than actually having a loving happy family.. he said no but its nice to feel wanted and is it too much to ask to be intimate with his wife..
long storey short, i used a lot of your points (thankyou for that) and i think for the time being we may have got somewhere.
i told him instead of telling me im boring or makin me feel awful about myself and telling me what i DONT do, compliment me on what i DO do, and what i do that feels nice, and maybe help build up my confidence a little.
as far as the yuk dirty thing goes, i think maybe sex therapy? although i wouldnt know how to go about that.. gp?

ive tried to make him see that its not MY problem alone but a problem we should share as husband and wife together.

i think its perhaps cleared the air on that aspect but i think maybe i do need some sort of extra help or support to get me past this strange feeling.. i told him its almost like i feel sick at the thought of kissing my daughter good morning with the same mouth i used with him the night before, and he sort of laughed it off like it was ridiculous.

i know he loves me and sex is important because its a time for us to conect and be intimate with each other, keeping the candle burning.. just need to shake of this horrible feeling, i also need to invent some sort of super pill thats helps me stay awake long enough to carry all this out.. already waaaaay past my bedtime.
appreciate what you have all had to say, its helped. i think a part of me feels the need to hear someone tell me its ok to do things like that when you have a child, its not bad.. its ok. x

Happy, it went well, think you both have to compromise. Good luck and have fun! Make sure you get some sleep somewhere, it's the only way :)

It's ok to still be a sexual person after you've had kids.
But you should only do whatever you feel comfortable with.
good luck, hope things start to get better.

I think counselling may work, it is not going to magically come back. For some reason the way you feel is in grained.

Why not try relate?

Sex helps you connect and be intimate, if both of you want it. If one does and the other doesn't, it's more likely to push you apart.

I've heard the "sex makes men feel loved" thing before, usually in the guise of "men need sex, if they are to feel loved" and I think that the version you said is more accurate. And of course it doesn't apply to all men. I think that it is okay for someone to feel that sex is a loving, intimate act, since of course it is, but I think it's unhealthy for anyone to rely on that as the sole indicator of how their partner feels about them. Whether you want sex rides on so many things, not just how attractive your partner is to you. I actually think that sometimes men don't realise that sex can be a bit of a trade off for us. Whereas IME for men the ratio of effort required:pleasure seems to be a lot lower on the effort and higher on the pleasure side, and add to that I think a lot of men feel that sex is like a release which helps them relax, I think for us (for me at least, I shouldn't generalise, sorry) it can be quite invasive, it has quite an effect on your body (not all of it good, though hopefully the good outweighs the bad!), it can take some time, when sometimes sleep feels more precious, and while it can be relaxing, that's not a given, and so with all of that combined it can just feel like the effort/not so great effects are not worth the payoff sometimes. Your DH does need to be aware that there are going to be times you are just too tired, too ill, too stressed, and that perhaps instead of worrying about the lack of sex he might think about what it is which is causing this and try to help. Not because it means he will get more sex, hopefully, but because the thought of you being tired, upset or stressed is not a happy one.

It's definitely not "bad" to have oral sex or even be even less vanilla in the bedroom when you have a child. Your sex life and your mothering can be completely separate, and for most people it is. I think your husband is being very insensitive to laugh about it though, it's obviously a very real thing that you are feeling. GP might be a good place to look if you do want to explore therapy options, or Relate offer sex therapy. Just make sure you don't feel pushed into anything if you're not ready :)

I think you need to take penetration out the equation, and try some tantric sex.

Fabby you make me laugh! Tantric sex?? Poor OP doesn't have time for normal sex!!

I actually think that sometimes men don't realise that sex can be a bit of a trade off for us. Whereas IME for men the ratio of effort required:pleasure seems to be a lot lower on the effort and higher on the pleasure side, and add to that I think a lot of men feel that sex is like a release which helps them relax, I think for us (for me at least, I shouldn't generalise, sorry) it can be quite invasive, it has quite an effect on your body (not all of it good, though hopefully the good outweighs the bad!), it can take some time, when sometimes sleep feels more precious, and while it can be relaxing, that's not a given, and so with all of that combined it can just feel like the effort/not so great effects are not worth the payoff sometimes.

BB - I think that's VERY true and an unusually perceptive description of some pervading differences in feelings both around and in sex, between men and women.

I also agree with your point earlier that this issue is possibly a lot more common than people think. And just as men need to understand that women have gone through changes in their whole mental-physical connections and attitudes about sex, it's equally important for women to understand that their partners haven't gone through those changes. They were just getting on with life - job; house; good relationship with horny adventurous wife that they love and are loved by. Then one day this thing happens which, no matter how involved they are, is always going to be something external to their body, unlike the way it is for women. And then they wake up and the horny adventurous wife has been mysteriously removed from the equation. Most men accept this as a temporary thing, but after a while and when it starts to feel permanent, it's confusing. What happened?

I might be pushing the envelope a little here but I wonder if there's sometimes a suspicion that we've been conned. The great sex was one part of the total relationship, contributing to the overall decision that we're happy to be in it for the rest of our lives, raise children in it etc. etc. At the time, there didn't seem to be any indication that it was temporary or conditional. Then as soon as it's served its "purpose", maybe even as soon as WE have served our purpose, of procreation, it's withdrawn.

It can seem like the woman only pretended to want it in the first place in order to get the man for what she wanted out of him - children. Not saying that's how it is, but that's how it can seem.

my goodness, it seems i have come to the right place for my "sex therapy" already.
i have read some of your comments over and over again and you pretty much have nailed most things the head.. the part about him wodnering what happened and is maybe feeling "conned" is very accurate, hes told me often that i used to be this crazy sex fiend! and that hes confused to why i have changed now with having a child etc. i didnt want to change, which is the problem.
tantric sex eh! sounds lovely but not sure where i could fit that in lol!
there are some positions that he absolultey loves and so do i, but another problem there is ever sicne my ceasarean section with my daughter some things feel very uncomfortable for me, this pain in my stomach.. im guessing thats just a part of it all but im pretty sure he thinks i use that as an excuse which i definatley do not.
we dont have a problem with the amount of times we make love, its often enough, just not wild enough .. for him.

that whole, mother during the day and freak in the bed, just dosnt really happen to everyone huh.
a bunch of very intelligent women on here i have to say, and the amount of times ive read through this all has gave me lots of things to think about, and talk about with my husband so i thank you grately for that.
nice to hear im not the only one,

excuse the spelling mistakes, trying to type fast with my little girl hanging from my leg!

just wanted to add also, i know it cant be the most important thing for him as we are trying for number two at the moment, and hes very keen to give our daughter a brother or sister.. doubt he would want more if this problem could get worse with another child, so thats reasurring x

This might seem like a weird question, but was your own mother a bit po-faced about sex? Was she open with you, or a bit embarrassed by the whole subject? Perhaps part of it is that you're now seeing yourself as being in her role and you can't connect the two parts of yourself properly.

How's your confidence? Are you ok with how your body looks? I found adjusting to my new body after DS was born a bit mental stumbling block, but my DH was very helpful - he complimented me a lot, assured me he still found me sexy etc etc. and that helped me to get back my sexual confidence. Your DH needs to understand that you have to work up to it slowly, you can't just jump into it a be the same as ever. Having a baby is a huge physical trauma and it can take a while for you to feel connected to your body again.

not a weird question at all, my mum was a hosuewife and mother of three, and a terrific mum at that, and since you mentioned it, the last memorie i have of my mum and dad together before they divorced was them arguing in the kitchen one morning and i remember my dad saying to my mum, we dont even have sex anymore.. i must have been about 14/15 at the time and i remember running back into my room feeling a bit disgusted that they had even said that word lol
im very open with my mum and we have a fantastic relationship, we probably didnt talk about things like that when i was younger but nowadays i could say anything to my mum, only i dont really get time to sit down with my mum and have a proper heart to heart, (id like that very much)

my husband compliments me all the time, he always tells me how much he fancies me.. i wouldnt say i feel uncomfortable with my body i was pretty lucky after my daughter that i didnt change an awful lot, just a nasty scar and a few hangy bits but nothing to awful.x

what you said makes huge sense by the way. i still aspire to be like my mum. shes amazing and such a great nanny to my girl too. shes a huge inspiration to me.. she put me and my brother and sister before anything.

Well I think it's quite normal to be disgusted at the idea of your parents having sex when you are a teenager

Could you call your mum when the children are in bed? Or go round one evening for a chat? It's lovely for her to spend time with your DD, but just because she's a nanny now, she's still your mum too and you need time to spend on that relationship. Perhaps you could book you and her a spa day one weekend for a Christmas present? Deals quite often come up on Groupon, if money is a problem. Arrange the date beforehand with DH so he is able to look after DD. It would be good for you both.

Just wanted to say that I think it's normal to feel the way you do and your DH is being selfish and pushy to make you feel bad about it.
I hope he changes his ways after your talk, and understands that you are still a wonderful woman and mother to his children, instead of banging on about the changes in his sex-time. Really? Is sex that much more important to him than a happy family? He needs to look at his priorities as much as anything.

Good luck with it and continue to let it be you who sets the pace - if he pushes you too hard to do something you're not comfortable with you may lose trust in him, which could adversely affect your sexlife even more. Warn him of this.

How much does he help with the house/baby when he is not at work? It may be that he needs to help out more to allow you to have some "me" time - the more relaxed and chilled out you are, the more likely you are to respond to his advances.

The other thing is that I would arrange dates - this will help build more intimacy, making it easier for you to get in the mood for spicy sex.

Finally I would ask him to make compromises e.g the occasional early bedtime.

Do you want to be like your Mum then OP, a woman who despite her many qualities, seemed to have a dire sex life?

Can I ask, what does your husband do for you sexually these days? How do you usually orgasm?