So very fed up with DH behaviour - advice needed .

[SueC]

Not really sure where to start. Just so fed up with DH I don?t know what to do. Feels like I am a one-parent family with an extra teenager because of the way he behaves.
I?ll try and sum it up : he works fulltime (ish) but is always home by 4.30pm. At which point he opens a beer, sits in front of the kitchen tv and then he?s there for the night. Meantime I am rushing around with the kids, cooking dinner, helping with homework and hoping that at some point I?ll get a sit down. His opinion is that as he works full-time (I work part-time) he?s entitled to relax when he gets home. Same story at weekends except he doesn?t get up till 11am and then sits in front of sport on tv all weekend. And he is always angry and shouting at the kids.
He does nothing with the kids and nothing around the house. He drinks too much : goes to the pub every lunchtime at work and then has 5 cans of strong lager each night. Can?t go a day without drink : if we go on holiday and he hasn?t found a pub by lunchtime then he gets twitchy. But won?t admit he has a problem. Smokes too and his drinking and smoking are costing us a fortune when we are massively in debt. Oh and won?t discuss our debts because it?ll depress him so I bear the burden of all the worry.
He suffers from depression : been on anti-depressents for years but won?t do anything to help himself, insists it?s genetic. Doctor has arranged counselling for him and he should have had his first appointment yesterday but he cancelled it because he didn?t feel well. He has no friends and no interest in making any. I feel some of our friends have been lost because of his attitude. Feel so sorry for the kids as he does nothing with them. I have no doubt he loves them but he just isn?t being a Dad. Our relationship is like strangers in a house because I am just so angry with him all of the time. Help !!!

Do you love him? It doesn't sound like there is any love left and if it were me I would be thinking about making a life for myself away from him.

Would you consider leaving? This is no way to live or for your children to live. The atmosphere in your house must be horrible.

Also he sounds like an alcoholic with the amount he's drinking.

he must get help for his depression, it is affecting his whole family abd that isn't fair.

I think he is an alcoholic - my Dad was one so I think i am in position to know but he won't admit it. Feel really sorry for the kids. My DS is 11 and he is completely aware of how useless his dad is and has commented on more than one occasion that we'd be better off without him but my DD is 8 and adores him. I really dont think he'd cope without us though, he has been suicidal in the past.
My worry about making a life away from him is that it would be such a struggle financially and would mean giving up the house as I don't earn enough to keep it. Have no family as my parents both died in the last few years and I have no siblings so I feel very alone.

Wow, poor you, that sounds awful for you and the kids. I wrote my first ever post on here yesterday about the lack of help I get from my partner with our baby and the house and my god, he sounds like a saint compared to your husband. You must be totally exhausted, fed up and very resentful.
I presume you have tried to talk to him about it all?
I agree with Thurderbolts - the amount he is drinking is not healthy at all. As many men do, he is getting through his unhappiness by self medicating with drink.

It really is so unfair on you and your kids. If he has problems and issues then that is fair enough but he MUST sort them out to be fair to the family. If he can't or won't try and get help them perhaps it's seriously time for you to think of the future without him. Hard as that is. If there is a bad atmosphere in the house the kids will pick up on it, it will affect them and how they see relationships. I am very much in favour of kids having a mum and dad together, but not if it is too detrimental.

As my health visitor said to me, you, as a mother need to be happy to function properly, to look after your kids properly, to be patient with them etc. If you are unhappy and stressed all of the time it will show in your attitude.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be supported by your partner, you deserve to have a partner who helps you with the kids, the general running of the home. He is a grown man who needs to start accepting responsibility for himself and his family.

Seriously, it wasn't until I had my baby last year that I realised how truly amazing we women are, what we have to put up with, the amount we take on when we have kids etc.

Stay strong, be firm, let him know how you feel and that you can't tolerate his behaviour anymore

Good luck.

And I know you feel you are trapped (I'm sure many of us have felt that at times)....but from what I've been told, you can get help with somewhere to live, he will have to take responsibility financially with the kids . Is there anyone you can speak to about it? You could go to your local housing office and ask them what you would be entitled to.

If you have a job, you will be able to rent a house/flat and get housing benefit to help. Also, your husband will have to pay maintenance for the children.

Try and figure out each step one at a time otherwise it all becomes too much in your head to deal with. See where you go from there.

Hope that helps

Hi OP sorry you are going through all this.
I would tell him calmly how you are feeling and that you feel you cannot go on like this anymore.
Then I would go to relate by myself first then offer him the chance to do couples therapy.
If he does not respond to any of the above you have your answer.
Your children will manage well as long as you are honest and the rest of their lives change as little as possible.

Did your mother stay with your alcoholic father ?

It sounds like you have some co-dependency issues going on. You cannot change him, only he can do that. The only person you can change is yourself and how you react to things.

Try and get some counselling for yourself - you need to understand how and why you are replicating your parents relationship and your childhood for your DC ie father was an alcoholic and you married an alcohol dependent person.

Start thinking about yourself and your DC - Co-Dependent No more by Melodie Beatty is a worthwhile read if you don't want to/can't do counselling now.

Thank you so much for all the advice. It's great to be able to talk to someone about how I feel, really miss my mum at times like this. My mum left my dad when I was 8 so I missed out on a father figure growing up which I think has caused me some problems. I didn't realise you could go to relate on your own, I will definitely look into that.
I have tried talking to him before but he just gets all defensive and angry. Maybe after some counselling I might know a better way to approach it. Just very scared of ending up on my own.

I would also echo what countingto10 has written.

I would ask you what you are getting out of this relationship now. There are often co-dependency elements within such relationships and its very unhealthy. You also sound very responsible for him; yet another behaviour learnt in childhood as the result of having an alcoholic parent.

You are not responsible for him.

Al-anon would be a good place for you to start as would reading the book that countingto10 recommended.

Self medicating depression with alcohol is not an uncommon behaviour and the alcohol will cloud the effects of the medication.

This is no life for your children to be witness to either; an alcoholic parent is not a role model for them to be learning from and you are also imparting them damaging lessons. Both your children are being affected by this albeit in different ways; your DD is internalising it all and your son openly states that you'd all be better off without him. I think it is time you listened to what he is saying.

Children of alcoholic parents can learn to be super responsible for the other person (as you are with your H now) and can be more likely to choose alcoholic partners themselves as adults. It does not surprise me that your Dad was himself an alcoholic; you are now repeating this pattern with your own children.

This is not the legacy to be leaving your children; your children as adults could well turn around and ask you why you put him before them. Do not think that they wouldl not do that to you as their mother.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

www.al-anonuk.org.uk could be helpful to you.

I cannot see him ever doing couples therapy unfortunately. Counselling for your own self would be extremely helpful as there is a lot of stuff to unravel here with you.

Do not stay with this man out of pity or even worse an underlying fear of being on your own. You'd all be better off without your H dragging you all down with him because that is what he is really doing here.

Just a very small two penceworth from me - when I couldn't bear to make the decision to leave my husband last year (v diff reason - he wouldn't have a family with me), I worried I would break his heart by leaving and he wouldn't be able to cope. My mum very sternly said I was infantilising him and that that wasn't fair on him, as an adult. I found that gave me some strength and I did leave.

Get rid of him, he is a pyschological parasite and a man who doesn't consider women human beings. In his mind you exist to service him.

SueC, I think this man is just a drain on you and the children, a leach and a freeloader.
What a star your mum is Pollykitten!!

She has her moments cecilyparsely not many, but they're worth waiting for when they come!

Although life is tough for everyone, to a greater or lesser extent, it can still be difficult but full of life and colour and interest. It's when the world looks grey you have to ask yourself if your life is as it should be.

You are absolutely right that getting a good counsellor will help you come up with a way of having a frank discussion with dh about things without descending into a slanging match. They are good at giving you useful vocabulary and also a reality check about what your situation is -- sometimes the things you think are normal for a marriage are actually not normal at all. By telling dh you are seeking a meeting with Relate, alone if you have to, it will also signal that you are not prepared to go on like this. Any other behaviour that can reinforce this would be good so he cannot dismiss it as "things will settle back down again soon".

Splitting up is not nice or easy, but really the only thing you can say in favour of staying together is that you would face financial problems if you had to run two households. that is certainly important, but not a reason to stay together. Are there any other reasons to stay together? Did you have lots of fun together in the past, or have lots of interests together or something that has been lost and you could get back? It is striking you don't mention things like that.....

if he is drinking at lunchtime and evenings 7 days he has got a drink problem but you cannot fix that for him. good luck