fed up of my life

[peacockfeffers]

This seems so self indulgent and have no one to talk to so hope you can help.

Been with DH for 6 years married for 2, we had a whirlwind romance, moved in had DC1, got married had another. To the outer world we probably seem the perfect family and happy couple.

But during this time I've suffered extreme bouts of depression (always had this since teenager), DC1 triggered a major bout and I didn't enjoy my first experiences of motherhood, since then I've got worse, I'm terribly moody and can get obsessive, picking at DH over the slightest thing and blaming him for my woes.

Life always gets me down, love my kids but it is a struggle, I have no mum friends outside of work and no social life. Where we live is bland suburbia with everyone keeping themselves to themselves. I long for a bit of spark and fun, oh and I want fun to include kids, I don't mean in a Shirly Valentine way!

I feel life is passing me by and before I know it I'll be dead. I blame DH as he is stalling on us moving elsewhere as he thinks the market not right and DC settled in school. So I feel I have to suffer and my frustrations are getting worse.

Massive argument tonight and he says I make him unhappy and the love he has is slowly flickering away. Think he wants to divorce me but staying for sake of kids..

I know I should appreciate what I have but I am so self hurting I can't see beyond my own pain, I'm not sure what I want I just feel desprate and helpless in my life, nothing, apart from my kids makes me feel happy and satisfied.

Hope someone can help me. Thanks.

poor you :(

have you tried your GP? Are you on antidepressants? Things can seem rotten when you are depressed and your dh is not being particulately supportive but he may have just said these things on the spur of the moment - I think that men often do, not realising that they are being upsetting. He just wants to "fix" you adn can't so can get frustrated.

I think taht you need a plan - you need to feel that things will get better (as they will). Why not try something new - meet people. Try the NCT? they may have a group locally. Or evening classes or join agym - anything to meet people. Moving probably will not solve anything but having a plan to enable you to change things may,

thanks livingonthedge, tried counselling after dc2 not depressants scared of side effects.

Agreed I need to get out more but shy, my area is very unwelcoming, need to travel into town other areas to be entertained for kids, meals, etc.

I keep feeling if we move, all will be ok life will be on track.dh is unconvinced. Tonight he is sleeping in the spare room. Life sucks, other people seem better off than me.

Hey, just wanted to say you're not alone. I feel like this a lot, but I'm hoping that having moved to a new area (which has nearly broken the marriage as it is) and a trip to the gp, the situation will start to improve.

Have you considered perhaps that your current focus on a move is part of your obsessive tendencies? Moving isn't a cure-all and it won't change your shyness - and all places are the same if you're in the same headspace.

If you show your dh willing by addressing your problems with depression, it might make things better between you and perhaps he'd be more positive about moving then? At the moment he might be forgiven for thinking you'd all go through the upheaval of moving, changing schools etc, and perhaps it wouldn't make any difference in the long run.

When you say you tried counselling, how long did you try it for? You could give a course of anti-ds a chance (there are various types, so if you had side-effects, you could try another) and perhaps CBT (to tackle the obsessive/negative thought-patterns).

would recommend anti ds to help you climb out of your trench and think a bit more clearly. sounds horrid for you

Life sucks, other people seem better off than me.
Yes, they are better off than you - some of them anyway. And some of them are worse off than you. And no matter what you do, there will always be some people who are better off than you and some people who aren't.

You sound depressed to me - if you don't want to go down the medication route, then you need to take yourself in hand. Your DH is absolutely right that now is not the time to move - and as buzz said, moving isn't a cure-all - so concentrate on what you can do right now, right here.

You're halfway there already, as you realise what you are doing. If you realise that you are picking on your DH for the slightest little thing, make a point of letting it go. Just - let it go.

You can't hold someone else responsible for your happiness, or lack of it. It's something you absolutely have to take responsibility for yourself. Make sure you eat properly (unrefined carbs, lots of fruit and veg), get out in the fresh air as often as you can, maybe try some yoga-type excercise, and generally look after yourself.

Keep talking on here, as it will help you get things straight in your head.

IME 'bland surburbia' can mask a veritable hotbed of activities

Stop fixating on the thought that a move will solve your problems as a) it's not a good time to sell and b) it's likely that you'll simply take your current mindset with you, or it will recur as soon as you get over the novelty of being in a different area.

Stop blaming your dh for the way you feel and start looking outward. Join the dc's school PTA, volunteer your services for a couple of hours a week in a local charity shop, look to see if the Women's Institute holds regular meetings in your area, and generally make an effort to meet people and make new friends of all ages.

And get yourself to your GP and ask for ADs to lift you out of the trough of discontent you've fallen into.

Thanks for all your comments. I think I am depressed, I sometimes have good days sometimes bad, today was a bad one but you'd never tell on the surface. I'm very good at hiding my feelings at work and family members, everyone thinks I'm jolly when I'm hurting and feeling unconfident/shy inside.

I did take one step...I joined a slimming class as put a lot of weight on since DC2, was nice to meet other group members who were supportive.

Me and DH have been civil today, even slightly laughing but there is still tension and unhappiness especially from him, just before he went to bed he said again that I need help. Buzz- we were going to start relate counselling but decided against as we seemed to get back on track. Similarly when DC2 was born I started counselling but left after a month as I didn't feel I could discuss my issues with a male counsellor who looked straight out of college. I sound like I put obstacles up don't I? Not helping my situation!

As for moving, I think it will lift some of my darkness as since we moved into the area where we're living currently, I've never felt settled here, perhaps another area will be the same but I feel until we try I'll keep feeling hopeless. DH thinks I'm selfish and it will be a costly mistake.

Sorry for being all over the place on here, you're the only people I've discussed everything with, I appreciate your support.

Sorry didnt see your post izzy, I was going to investigate PTA, terrified and shy of new activities. I keep myself to myself at school, plus it always feels very clickey.

I'm not aware of any WI activities where we live.

I've investigated in the past when DC2 was born classes but my motivation goes, especially if I start to feel self conscious.

What do I say to doc about antidepresants?

Groups such as PTAs can feel cliquey when you're on the outside but it is a good way to meet other mums. If you don't feel that you want to be too hands on, just volunteer your services for school fetes etc.

And do check out volunteering at a charity shop so that you get to intereact with a wider cross-section of the community a few hours a week - there could be people in an older age group who would welcome having a new friend who lives locally.

If you become more involved in your immediate community and make friends, it will raise your confidence and make any future move a doddle. Smile at your neighbours and say 'good morning/afternoon, how are you?' and if you're passing on the pavement, slow down or stop for a second so that they can respond as this may lead them to chatting for a few minutes which may gradually, lead to more lengthy encounters.

When you go to the doc's, simply say more or less what you've said here which is that you have a history of depression and that currently life is getting you down and, as you feel you're struggling, you're hoping that a course of anti-depressants may help to lift your mood and make life sparkle again.

When it comes to counsellors it's no much point having one that you don't feel comfortable with. Were you given any choice or did you ask if you could have a female counsellor?