Still Struggling with this 'relationship' 26 years later

[Rachel700]

I am 41 now, married with children.

When I was 15, my maths teacher and I got along very well. I was always mature for my age (or 15 going on 50 as the teachers always said). He was unmarried, I adored him - everyone knew, including him.

He taught me for 4 years, right into the sixth form, where I also took maths. Over the years, I had the sense that we were 'friends' because we got along so well. He would always ask me to stay behind after class, we had lots of banter that went over the heads of the other kids, he had a nickname for me that he used when nobody else was around.

I knew at the time that I apparently had a 'crush' on him. I knew he probably didn't feel the same way and never allowed myself to believe that he might. I did sometimes wonder about it, but would shrug it off as 'impossible.'

By the time I was in the upper sixth form, I came to my senses. This guy was never going to be mine - surely if he felt the same way, he would have told me by now. I'd been stupid, I thought. I'd wasted my time on him and I'd better move on. He was 20 years older.

I began dating a boy from the lower sixth - six months younger than me. I remember noticing that Paul (the teacher) was a bit frosty with me around this time but talked myself into thinking I was imagining it - wishful thinking I thought. Deep down, I knew he was jealous. I just didn't have the courage to believe myself.

Anyway, I left school and worked in an office for the summer before leaving for university. Paul knew where I worked and one day he rang me out of the blue in the office, just for a chat and to wish me luck at university. I was surprised he'd called me and said I'd keep in touch. I knew where he lived, so I began writing to him and we wrote to each other until I was 25, at which point I was living abroad in Cyprus. My contract then ended and I came back to my home town to start a new job.

Being back close to Paul was like a thunderbolt. By this point I was with a really great guy who I planned to marry and we'd just bought a flat. My boyfriend worked away and Paul would come over and see me occasionally when he wasn't around (which was most of the time). A few years passed and by this point we'd got to know each other on more equal terms I suppose. Then one night when he was leaving he kissed me and admitted how he had always felt. He didn't say exactly how long he'd had feelings for me, just said 'always.'

I was utterly confused, bewildered. I didn't know what to think or do. I didn't know how I felt. I did love him - I always had - but my llife had moved on and I'd had to deal with having left him when I was 18 assuming that he didn't feel the same way because he hadn't told me. I also loved my boyfriend very much.

Horrible few days passed. He'd left my flat and left me hanging and confused. I tried to call him but he didn't pick up. I saw him in a petrol station and he pretended not to have seen me. I felt he'd let me down, he was a coward - not that bloke I thought he was. Eventually he picked up the phone, I said we needed to talk, he said he didn't want to talk. We ended up going to a country pub where we discussed what had happend or rather I talked and he listened and said he had nothing to say on the subject but that it had been a mistake and had felt 'wrong'. I said it was a good job we hadn't ended up together after all - he disagreed strongly. God I was so confused.

In the end we agreed not to mention it again. I wasn't happy with that, didn't feel it had been dealt with but I could see he was struggling with it. The next time I saw him, he was still struggling and said he wanted to be 'more than just friends' with me and seemed to be trying to tell me he had really deep feelings for me but not being able to find the right words.

To be honest, by this point I felt he'd been such a coward that my view of him was shaken beyond repair. I viewed him differently, sort of pitied him but hated him for having stirred it all up and run away. We never mentioned it again untl the day I got married, when he was leaving my wedding reception and I hugged him and told him I loved him (had said that to all my friends) and he responded that he loved me too. He was sober. I looked at him and could see he meant it. NOt great timing, my wedding day.

That was 10 years ago. I'm now married with the kids, have a wonderful husband who I love to bits and a happy life. He remains unmarried. I'm glad I didn't end up with him but we're still friends.

We went out for lunch together on Saturday - I always feel so mixed up after I see him. I can't make sense of any of it, never really got 'closure'. I'm at the point now I need somebody else's perspective on what happened. Did I handle it wrong? Should I ever mention it again? DOes he have closure?

I think this bloke is a melodramatic whanger, too. He doesn't like women very much, does he? He's not actually interested in you at all, he just likes the idea of the two of you as star-crossed lovers and all that shit.
Just let the 'friendship' fizzle out. You're not going to get any closure from him, you'll have to do it yourself.

Plus I'm suspicious of how 'well' you get on re you are 'so close, such similar people, get on so well'. Sometimes people learn how to behave in a very similar way to the person they intend to trap.

I appreciate I am (moreorless) a voice in the wilderness here by saying the above, however. There is nothing star-crossed about this, or lovers (god forbid). imo the fact that that you, OP, are struggling with this on some level goodness knows how many years later strongly indicates that his hooks are still in you. re garlic's excellent post And those hooks would still be in you if she haven't yet accepted what really happened in the first place, all those years ago.

sorry, had written in the third person - pet hate - changed it and left in a 'she'

re those hooks would still be in you if you haven't yet accepted etc

This is just plain and simple creepy. Nothing else.

What's the point?

Where does your husband fit into all of this?

What about your kids??

Nothing has happened and that's the way it should stay and I see no gain in trying to make him admit he fancied you all those years ago. What closure can this possibly give you?

All you'll do is stir things up more and risk your marriage.

There's definately something really very about this whole thread......

I don't think OP is harbouring romantic feelings, or any feelings of that kind, about her teacher (therefore not compromising her marriage) - she sees this man as her friend, nothing more (though he would like it to be more than friends). I don't think OP is trying to get him to admit to fancying her - from what I'm reading I think she is trying to ascertain when his feelings for her started eg he says he has 'always' felt this way about her - when did 'always' start? If at age 14, when he started to teach her and they immediately hit it off, then it all starts to look a bit creepy. You may not have come across anything like this before coconuts and, yes, it is creepy but it is not nothing, iyswim.

Springy - I dont see anything in the OP to suggest the trauma and turmoil you are assuming.

I'm sorry, I saw your posts and obviously you've had a similar experience which was very traumatic and unhealthy for you but that does not mean Rachel's experience was the same. Only a very small amount of their friendship was while she was at school - for 20 odd years they have been friends as two adults.

I'm not saying he wasnt wrong, he certainly was, I just dont understand why people are so keen to find drama where there is none.

The issue is the silly moony 'friendship' they have.

You may not have come across anything like this before coconuts

I don't remember saying that in my post!

I didn't say you had/n't coconuts - I was making a point. No offence intended.

I also think, Jeremy, that if you have suffered a particular thing, you know the signs. Admittedly, everyone's situation is different - though, sadly, some situations carry a distinct hallmark. I didn't know how this thread was going to pan out (and gushed in like an idiot) but felt I recognised a particular hallmark: I still think I have. Unfortunately, some abuse flies so low on the radar that it is hard to get the frequency - unless you've had it and can recognise that frequency a mile off iyswim.

I don't expect people to understand necessarily but I am not making a drama where there is none, or projecting my experiences on to someone else's. I think the fact that the OP is still in turmoil about this after so long is one indicator that the 'relationship' was what I suspect it was.

though I guess we'll have to agree to differ

OK OP, you've had a few days. Have you seen Bridges of Madison County yet? [hsmile] If not, hire it on the weekend please!

I realise OP seems to have abandoned her thread, but I'm going to press my MN-disapproved intense thing here anyway.

Many (or most) of us had crushes on Big Boys/Girls when we were teenagers. It's normal. If you've ever been a position of 'authority and wisdom' around younger people, you'll recognise the ego-boost and the sense of power that it confers. If you're professional with the job, you'll appreciate the ego-boost and knock the rest on the head. That might include stopping contact or simply reverting to 'professional only' interaction. As the only grown-up in the situation, the responsibility is all yours and you make that call, with higher-level support if you need it.

The reason why this is so important that it's enshrined in contracts of employment, and has procedural guidelines, is straightforward: teenagers experience surges of hormones that affect their thinking and feeling. Any older person - who, necessarily, has been through it themselves and knows its temporary power - using this passing, but powerful, developmental surge for their own gratification (physical, moral or emotional) is abusing the teenager for their own ends.

There's no other explanation. I'm sure they could think of a few, but the facts are: You're older, you've been there, seen it, suffered it; you know the teenager is confused. Grown-ups don't use that. Fuck-ups do.

If a grown-up - or a person in a grown-up position, with grown-up responsibilities - misuses their 'crush' status with a teenager in their charge, they can distort that teenager's emotional development. This is why there are rules, guidelines and training courses to avoid it. OP, it seems, had the misfortune to be taught by a man whose ego was greater than his responsibility. He encouraged her in creating a 'special' relationship with him - all for his own ego.

IMO, Rachel was thus manipulated by Sad-Ego-Paul and - because it happened during a crucial development stage in her life - he imprinted on her psychological/emotional self. That's why she still feels connected & drawn, despite all practical indicators to the contrary.

What he did was stupid, selfish and mean. Primarily selfish - he was motivated entirely by his own inadequate ego, and shows no signs of having grown a balanced adult self in the intervening decades. Rachel, by contrast, has grown up and has built a successfully satisfying life as an adult. This Paul's hooks are still in her like the head of a tick, remaining from a long-ago adventure. Best pulled out and forgotten.

arf at KCEHNR [hgrin]