Birthday card...

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

OH HELP ME!! For those that have not read previous threads, I have not had contact from my mother and step father for a year. They were abusive in different ways. I have been struggling recently with the prospect of what no contact forever actually means...

It is my daughters birthday tomorrow and I just got a birthday card in the post. Last year I got rid of the card as I decided that as she would not ever see them again it would be better than keeping contact going.

The card has just arrived again. I feel like Ihave been hit by a truck.. Seeing my mothers handwriting again, all the kisses at the bottom. I feel horrifically guilty for taking her grandchildren away, guilty for hiding the card from my daughter, I am so so lost. I cannot go back to contact but i cannot see how this can go on...they just send a card saying they hope she has a lovely and all their love xxxxxx

I know my mum loved my daughter in her own way. I am physically hurting and I have to get my daughter from school soon. Oh what have I done?? I am going to hell thats for sure.

Hell's already over populated and I suspect that Old Nick's got his demons building tower blocks to accomodate future intake.

No contact forever is a daunting prospect. How old are dc, did they have regular contact with their gps and do they ask after them?

No you are not going to hell!!.

If they acted abusively towards you as a child as you state, such people would not be likely to readily change upon the arrival of a grandchild. They would be more than happy to pass on all their crap to the next generation i.e your child and they would use her to get back at you. These people too therefore would likely be unable to bring anything positive into your DDs life.

Do not give them this power; you have my permission (if that is what you want) to shred the card and think no more of it. NC is very difficult but it can be done and fwiw you are doing very well. I daresay your life is overall a lot happier without their malign prescences in it. The card deserves no acknowledgement; infact this is a common tactic that such people, they are disrespecting your no contact wishes yet again.

Read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread for more support too.

My daughter will be 6 and my son 2 yrs. My son obviously doesn't remember them. My daughter asked for a short while about when we would see them again I had explained last year that we would not see them again and she rarely asks about them.

I thought a card may arrive, it feels so odd to read it knowing that my daughter will never see it. It has a pretty bracelet atatched to it that I know my daughter would like. No doubt my mother put some thought into the card and probably truly believes my daughter will get it.
Because my daughter is too young to understand about everything I feel so guilty because this would make her day to get this card..to see her grandma and grandad again.

I haven't read your other threads but I've been where you are now.

You need to remember that you haven't taken her grandchildren away. By her actions or inactions she has effectively thrown the relationship away herself.

I would add that abusive people don't necessarily send cards for the same reasons as other people do. Sometimes it's done as a reminder to you that they are still there and can't be gotten rid of all that easily.

My mum used to send cards like that, in between telling everyone how hard done by she was because she didn't see them. When contact was reinstated she barely bothered with my children at all. It had never really been about them.

Such people use the card to get back at their errant offspring, in this case you. I daresay too her own grandchild has not featured in this at all; it is done for power and control.

Sod feeling guilty; you think your mother and stepfather feel guilt?. I doubt it very much. Guilt too is a useless emotion.

I understand what you are saying to me...she is reminding me that she is still making the effort and that I am not...like she thinks that no matter what I say she will still have some form of 'contact'.

I think it hurts most because of my daughter...she would love to see them. She saw no 'bad' in them. She loved them and I have stopped contact. She would love her birthday to have them in it. I feel sick. I am shakey and tearful. Something like seeing my mother's handwriting, knowing she has been thinking of my daughter (and will be tomorrow) and that she has chosen a card for her , all the kisses and calling my dd 'sweetheart' in the card.

Attila - you are right. This cardis having the effect she desired, that's for sure.

coldtoast - You are right about the card and your mother saying how hard done by she is..I daresay if contact was made she too would not be so interested in my kids.

Without wanting to sound too analytical, it's my guess that what you really want is for your dd to have a nice grandmother. One who is like the ones that your friends' children probably have. She doesn't have one (unless you have a nice MIL) and that's where the guilt comes in. It's not your mother that you want your dd to see - it's the imaginary nice one.

Don't beat yourself up. Your mother may well not be thinking about your DD at all tomorrow, she just thought "Well What... can't stop me sending a card whatever she said, I'll send this one". Now she may have forgotten about your DD, unless it is part of her script of the hard done by Mother/Grandmother.

Your DD would have seen the bad in her Grandmother when she grew up, and could have learnt some very warped messages. Which could a) have affected her relationship with you; b) affected the way she values herself.

As an aside don't feel guilty for feeling guilty, just get past it.

It's a really difficult one.

I only have minimal contact with my narcissistic mother now, as do my older children (20 and 17). I would like to see my Dad more often, and my children would love to see their Grandad more often, but this is how it is. So, I can relate to your predicament.

My mother cut off contact with all of her family and all of my Dad's family when I was very young. She destroyed anything that came through the post from them, whether addressed to me, my Dad or the family. I saw her do this year after year and she mainly did it without my Dad knowing that anything had been sent. I resented it at the time. I didn't understand her arguement with them, but then and now, I would have liked to make my own mind up.

Lots of people have family members whose only contact is Xmas cards etc. Would it be a compromise to just let your daughter have the card, but don't make anything of it?

Agatha - I thought about letting her have the card last year, and also christmas card got sent. I decided that if she had the card then my mum was still having contact and as my daughter is very young she will believe the 'i love you' messages in the cards and ask to see her grandparents again.

But I do feel very guilty.

Hoenstly you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Your mother and stepfather utterly failed you as a child; they wouldn't behave necessarily any better because these two are now grandparents as has been proven.

They've overstepped a boundary placed by you yet again re no contact. This is to them about power and control, your DD does not figure in their equation here.

Thank you attlia. You must have been through a lot as well to have such a good insight.
All of you ladies have always answered when I have needed help. You are all lovely.