The continual lying......

[hipsdontlie]

It's not the type you are thinking - my DH has not been cheating on me.

It's the continual lying about his smoking and drinking and he can look me in the eye and swear blindly that he has given up smoking when I know for a fact that he continues to do so.

It's even got to the stage that he is lying to the nurse at the doctor's surgery. He was started on champix a few weeks ago and keeps telling me how it stops the cravings and he hasn't had a cigarette since he quit and is planning to go to his review appointment and say just that. I know ( from evidence) that he is still smoking about 5-6 a day. Why go through this charade? When I tell him I know that he is still smoking ( without telling him why I know) he still denies it. This is after numerous times in the past when he has lied about this sort of thing.

The trouble is that now I don't believe a thing that comes out of his mouth and that can't be right? He claims to have two alcohol free days per week ( he would drink every day if he had his way) but I can often smell alcohol on his breath and he claims it's from the night before. ( which seems hard to believe if he has had only 5-6 units over 24 hours earier)

Our sex life is crap - it's always me that initiates it and when I do, he is losing his erection earlier and earlier because of the years of smoking and drinking. He refuses to address he may have underlying depression/issues relating to the cause of his vices as he doesn't think he has a problem and open up to no-one including myself.

I can't stand to be married to someone that cannot control their impulses and continually lies about it. I have lost a lot of respect for him and it's really affecting our relationship. We are having relationship counselling but I can't see the point of it really - nothing has changed except it has made me very mindful of protecting the kids.

I feel totally trapped in this emotionally empty relationship because i don't want my 3 young kids to suffer. I don't think I'm being a martyr or anything about it - I'd imagine a lot of parents feel like this.

It's all so sad because although I have everything I could ever ask for in my kids - this is definitely not the life I want for myself in a relationship but can't see any way out.

He is not "being forced to lie".

That is a crock of shit.

The option to be honest with you is always there.

He chooses to lie, because he doesn't want to give you a free choice about what to do about his refusal/inability to stop.

I think, given that you know he is a liar as well as a smoker and a heavy drinker, you need to make a decision on the future of your marriage that assumes he will never stop doing any of these things.

Also that your sex life (such as it is) will disimprove, and that you are likely to end up as his carer.

Is that a life you want?

Do you think living in a home where the parental relationship is based on mistrust and a lack of respect and love will be good for your children?

shecutofftheirtails I think deep down I know you are right that this relationship will be bad for the kids in the long run ( even though they are not aware of it now) I also know he will never change.

I feel so depressed and powerless about it. I would literally do anything to keep my kids in a stable and reasonably happy home so I am going to continue with the counselling. The problem is that I know it is only me and my attitude that can change because I don't think he will.

It's like I've got to try and force myself to accept stuff in him that I really hate for the sake of the kids.

The most frustrating thing about all of this is that I learnt over the years to leave a relationship that was bad for me and have the strength to walk away but now it's not my emotional dependancy that is keeping me here but my emotions towards my kids. I feel very trapped - it's a bit like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, if that makes sense.

In answer to your question Is this a familiar story or do people think i am nuts to compromise my own happiness? yes it is a familiar story. I've been living that story for the last five years.

My dh is an alcoholic. You haven't used that particular A word, but have used addiction.

There's a thread in this section for partners of addicts, which I have found immensely useful. I'm learning slowly how I need to detach from my dh's behaviour. I was so caught up in it and was so stressed out by it. The lying was probably the biggest cause of my stress. Even when there were bottles hidden in cupboards and glasses next to the sofa he could still deny he'd had any.

It now helps me to think of my dh as having an illness. For years I have thought like you - he's making these choices to lie to me and to do things behind my back. That's applying rational thought processes to it though and the last thing an addict is is rational.

I snapped a little while ago and booted him out. Long story short - he's back home now but trying very hard to overcome his alcoholism. I am still stressed, but nothing like I was before and each day I get a little closer to getting back the serenity I had while he was gone.

I would wholeheartedly recommend that you join the other thread (I'll be posting on it and bumping it in a minute) and benefit from the great support the others will give you. I'm not exaggerating when I say that their support has changed my life, and by extension, my dh's too.

"At the moment, they are emotionally better off in this household where I am unhappy but managing to hold it together and not put them under any undue tension"

Hmmm, I think they know more than you realise and it is all too easy to kid yourself. Also they pick up on all the unspoken tensions within the home.

"I am emotionally independant enough to leave him but the kids are stopping me. At the moment, they are emotionally better off in this household where I am unhappy but managing to hold it together and not put them under any undue tension".

No you are stopping you from leaving, not your children. Your children likely sense their mum's unhappiness and perhaps even blame themselves for you and your H being unhappy within their own relationship. You cannot protect them fully from this, do you realise that?.

You can only change how you react to him.

AngelDelight thanks very much for pointing me in the direction of the other thread - I didn't know it existed.

Attila - the kids are not a that stage yet - they are 1, 3 and 5 and I am VERY good at painting a happy picture for a household.

Will have a look at other thread/forum this evening. Thanks for all the support

This must be absolutely awful for you hips. Most things have been said.

I just wanted to point out that it seems to me that the smaller the child the easier they cope with a marriage split and your oldest is only 5.

Also, if you're only staying for the kids you have a very very long way to go.

Good luck.

there's another thread somewhere about the partner who has stopped liking loving or respecting his wife (the OP) because she ate bacon or something - broke her veganism anyway.

here