cant believe he's done this

[morepositive]

I have been desperately trying to keep seem form of friendship going with my ex who left us in Feb when I found out about OW. We had occasional meals out as a family, I was cooking for him x 3 weeks as a family as it made it easier for him to see DS (youngest) I knew we were not getting back together but I could not stop contact. he was sending text messages saying night xxx
I was also supporting him emotionally as he knew he was going to be made redundant and has so many debts and a mortgage that he really did not know what to do

2 weeks ago I could net get hold of him at all and called his mum she sais he had gone to work and was very upset, work said he had not been in. I immediately thought will all the stress etc he had killed himself until he turned up 3 days later. Now bearing in mind he is absolutely broke he had been away with the OW cos he needed a break and it was none of my business. Apparantly she paid.for the tickets
I had already decided after that I would not be cooking for him and if he wanted to see DS he would have to take him out.
He then said he could only see him x2 per week cos of his money situation
Last week a credit card statement came to my address he had used this for all the flights and extras and now he is reducing time with DS I hate him so much
In 2 weeks our DS is 18 and I have booked a small family gathering which he had agreed he would go to and we would go shopping together for a joint gift and take him out in his birthday 2 days after it is the 6th anniversary of the loss of my darling darling eldest son and we have always spent those days just the 3 of us,
I don?t know what his plans are but I don?t want to be near him or look at him but I don?t want to ruin youngest DS birthday or grieving for his brother
I am so angry and mixed up and wondered if anyone knew what I should do

It's very difficult. I found reading this book helpful. When you've been married to someone for a long time it can take quite sometime to detach and get the balance right This book is good too. Sorry to be firing books at you. I need to dash, so sorry to post and run x

Your son is old enough to make arrangements to see his father on his own. This relationship has gone, what he does is nothing to do with you anymore, cut your loses.

My 18 year old has not seen his dad for almost two years, but they talk on the phone daily.

My sons dad lived 104 miles away, now my son has gone to Uni its over 250 miles.

Kids are hardy. They have their own lives at 18 and can make up their own minds. Your son should be left to make any arrangements not you.

Reading your post it is like your son is a child, he isn't he is an adult.

I'm afraid when I read your post it reads of a person not ready to admit the relationship is over and let go. You are investing far too much in this man who is your ex. You need to take a huge step back, cut contact and concentrate on building a life of your own.

Was going to say what fabby said.

My dc are 13,11 and 8 and they have made their own choices wrt contact with their dad for a while now. As it is they see him sporadically because despite him living on the doorstep, he cba. So, they go round and see him when they wish to, which can be anything from 3 times a week to twice a month.

At 18 your son is more than old enough to sort out his own relationship with his dad.

I think it's time to detach from him more. He's been keeping one foot in the door and you're still acting as though you're together, and it's bad for you. You'll never get over it if you don't accept the reality. He will fuck off on holidays with the OW and what he does with his or her money is not your concern.

If your youngest ds is nearly 18, he can organise seeing his dad off his own bat now. He's been capable of that for a long time.

Spend the anniversary of your eldest's death with your ds, do something different from normal years so the ex's absence isn't as obvious.

I would go through with the party, if the ex doesn't turn up, that's down to him and if he does, be civil but chilly.

Love. I truly feel so sorry for your situation. You are in a kind of purgatory.

I've said before and I'll say it again. you need to detach from this dickhead.

involving yourself in his sordid life is hurting you.

DON'T speak to your ExH, don't do the joint shop with him, there IS no joint anything anymore.

Just get your son a special gift from YOU that he can keep as a token of your unending love and admiration of him. Let his father fuck it up. So what.

This is the start of your darling son's adulthood, let his first step as a man be one where his mother shows him how proud SHE is of the man he has now become, and by doing that she shows him how strong SHE is. He can then hope to emulate you and your undoubted and obvious strength.

The job we have to do as parents is raise them through childhood, prepare them and give them the tools and the strength to cross the bridge into adulthood. Once they cross that bridge, they can stand on their own two feet, make their decisions, and know when to seek counsel. We will always be there for them, but they need to live their lives. Your H is incapable of helping his own DS to cross that bridge, so you must do it. You are the one he will come back to, you are the one that has been there for him.

when you take this solo step away from this treacherous twat of an ExH, you will see your own strengths, you will see that you are being held back in life by hanging onto this man who is not worth your time.

Meant to say, do the party, do the anniversary, and assume ExH is going to bail. he's incapable of facing up to his feelings/responsibilities, so why would he start now?

if he turns up, fine, you don't have to sit with him and you don't have to be pally.