warning signs?

[lastroseofsummer]

Can anyone advise me if these are warning signs. DP generally a nice person, has been having quite a hard time this last year or so, business folded, injury etc etc.

I sometimes feel he is trying to belittle me. Little comments ie "ur moody, I never know who is going to arrive in through the door you can be like a different person" when really im just quiet at the end of a long day, jiggling my tummy when he knows im trying to lose weight, the latest is hinting that I embarrassed him as I showed up to his friends party quite drunk (was having a nite out with friends and he was aware of this and asked me to go to this party). He said I was loud and didnt make an effort to chat. and that he had commented to his friends that he had never known me to be as drunk. I wasnt abusive, didnt throw up or fall over. Im actually really upset as I now feel that everyone was laughing at me!

I have noticed that he is starting to rely on me quite heavily financially. He does not have alot of income at present granted and therefore I have been paying for quite alot of our outings - as well as helping him with bills, he also isnt providing any regular child support. There is always cash though for a few drinks on a friday night - reason given as "oh its only about £10, not alot to spend" yet the £10 could be given to his ex towards child support. A few weeks back I paid quite substantial bills for him totalling almost £500 and I have insisted that he pay me back - have never made him pay back before.

I dont know whether im just a bit down and paranoid at the moment and im reading too much into everything or if I should be walking away.

some of the people at this party would have known his ex - I think he feels judged by them and the new gf showing up PISSED!!! as he references it made him feel somehow small.

fabby def will not give him any more money and certainly will not be paying for outings etc - he can pay his own way.

solid i think what is keeping me there is that he isnt normally this way. I actually never met anyone with a bad word to say about him. I wonder if he will go back to normal or is this normal?

I suspect now he's got you where he wants you, he's now showing his true colours.

Will you ever be able to feel the same way about him from now on anyway?

The pizza before DCs thing tells you everything you need to know about the kind of person he really is.

You're not talking about a one-off incident. You've listed quite a few ways in which he is bleeding you dry financially and grinding you down emotionally. Life really is too short to put up with this crappy treatment.

I agree with lizza. I don't think this man is very nice really.

I agree - he will be going ive decided!

thanks so much for all your help

You haven't met anyone who's got a bad word to say about him?

I think if you paid his ex a visit, she'd have plenty to say! What kind of man spends money on drink but doesn't give anything to his children? HE sounds like the person with an alcohol problem, if he's doing that.

His children are a very low priority for him. That on its own would be enough for me to dump someone.

He is talking to you like that (about drinking) to put you in your place. You are financially more powerful than he is - he recognises that and instead of stepping up to the plate, he tries to make you feel really awful about yourself, whilst at the same time taking money from you.

He is really awful, OP. I'm sure his friends don't know he doesn't pay child support. I'm sure they don't know that he has money off you. If they did know, that would change their opinion of him.

Please tell him to go. You really need someone a million times better than this.

You deserve someone better! You sound brilliant and very together, and this idiot is just taking advantage of your generosity, kindness and financial good management.

Sorry I'm going to go against the grain a bit and say I don't think he's necessarily a dick, I just think you aren't compatible and it's time to end the relationship. All I'm hearing from your posts is that he used to be quite successful but he's struggled a lot lately and got himself into a hole financially. He isn't dealing with it well and has been relying on you to help, which isn't right but isn't a crime either. You're not willing to help him out in the way that he wants, that's fine all you need to do is say so. If he accepts that and sorts himself out good for him. In the past I've helped my DH out financially before we were living together/married and I didn't expect it back as I loved him and I knew he wasn't taking the piss. If you do think he's taking the piss then that's the problem.

WRT the drinking thing, I think I'd be a bit mortified and would say something if my DH turned up to a party where he was meeting my friends for the first time drunk and a bit loud. I wouldn't have a go at him, I'd just say I found it a bit embarrassing and it sounds like that's exactly what your DP said to you.

He's bad with money but he's not a dick as far as I can tell. If you're sick of him then it's time to move on.

What's your take on the child support thing then, Cailin?

Well the OP said his ex isn't chasing him for money so perhaps she's not desperate for it, and I honestly don't think £10 a week on some luxuries isn't awful. Yes, ideally he would give that to the his ex but it's not like he's blowing £50 every week. I'm sure if a woman came on here saying she couldn't pay her bills but her ex was chasing her for £10 a week that she used on herself there would be plenty of responses advising her to tell him to fuck off and that she was entitled to a little something for herself. The fact that the OP paid his bills for him doesn't give her the right to tell him what to do with his money, beyond, of course, expecting him to pay her back.

Sorry that should be "I honestly don't think £10 a week on some luxuries is awful"

To quote the OP: "He can be so supportive at times, truly he can its just he seems so hyper aware of others opinions. He said that myself and my friend were like a herd of elephants arriving into the party - I know one of the guys at the party did mention to me that I was quite merry! I just laughed it off. I have seen him pissed - I told him that I felt quite depressed this morning on the phone and his response was "im not suprised you were PISSED last night!" you showed up an hour late to the party and spent more time outside smoking than talking you were completely pissed". I was really startled and said to him a bit nervously "Oh no did I embarass myself?" to which he replied "well, I wouldnt say embarrassed yourself anyway I told them all Id never seen you so drunk". I just cringed as I started trying to remember what I had done that was so bad - but really I was just drunk and slurring a bit.

I actually spent alot of time outside smoking, which I do when drinking."

Honestly, to me it sounds from this post that the DP was trying to bring up the fact that he was (legitimately, in my view) not too happy with the OP's behaviour the night before. He was probably nervous about his friends meeting his new GF and as the OP admitted, she was drunk, turned up an hour late and spent a lot of time outside. Even one of the other guests commented to her face that she was quite drunk. The DP didn't have a go at her, he said she reckoned she was not feeling good as she was hung over (fair comment) and went on to say she DIDN'T embarrass herself but that he did have to make excuses his friends who were probably a bit [hhmm] at her behaviour. I think it was fair enough of him to say he had never seen you so drunk before - that implies that others were a bit surprised at the OP's behaviour and that he was covering for her by saying that she doesn't normally do that.

He is not coming across to me as a dick at all. He's perhaps not very responsible but I'm finding the suggestions that he's trying to put the OP down and control her way over the top.

But CailinDana, that incident is just the latest in a series:
"I sometimes feel he is trying to belittle me. Little comments ie "ur moody, I never know who is going to arrive in through the door you can be like a different person" when really im just quiet at the end of a long day, jiggling my tummy when he knows im trying to lose weight"

Fair enough, Cailin, if it were just the party incident, but it's not.

I agree that the jiggling the tummy thing is mean. However, I don't think it's automatically wrong for someone to comment on someone's mood. The OP might think she's just quiet but the DP might genuinely feel that she is very changeable and it might stress him out. It's very hard to tell from the what the OP has written, which is why I feel others are reading a bit too much into it.

I'm sorry to be dissecting your posts OP but I want to mention this too: "whats so cruel I think about this morning is that he knows me - he knows that when I do get very drunk that I get paranoid and down the next day (i dont do it regularly by the way) so he would have known that saying those things would upset me very much.

I got quite sharp with him toward the end of the conversation and he started back tracking all the "dont be upset, i wasnt meaning any harm" bullshit."

All I'm hearing here is that he tried to bring up how he felt and you got angry as he should "know" that you don't respond well (ie are moody, as he said you were) when you're hung over and he should tiptoe around you when you're in that state. Not fair IMO. You got shirty with him because you were in a mood, and he didn't get angry, he tried to appease you. So basically what I'm hearing is that he was embarrassed, he tried to tell you, you were in a mood and "he should have known" so you were sharp with him rather than listening and trying to talk to him about it, he tried to tell you he didn't mean to upset you. Sounds like a fairly normal row to me except that you are blaming him for not predicting your mood.

Im so glad you have seen how much this guy is using you OP.

It was so so sad to read how you were defending him no matter what others said. I hope you mean what you say and will get rid and get on with living your life .... in whichever way you choose with your money and without someone spending it for you.

Good Luck !

thanks for all your comments - i have finished the relationship this afternoon so will sign off now. It wasnt working for me and just for the record he has been out plastered in front of my friends and we laughed it off. He just isnt for me.

anyway - bye

Bravo. Make sure he pays you back though!