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Relationships

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Original poster

Stuck. Need to separate, but how do we afford it?

15 replies

minxthemanx · 15/10/2011 18:04

Long story which I won't go over again as have posted many times. At the point now where I have asked DH for a separation, at least on a temporary basis, to give us some time apart. I saw a solicitor regarding divorce in July, but don't want to go down this road yet, unless I have to - we need some time apart to sort out feelings/what future there is. DH has finally seen that I am serious about this, and has started seeing a couples counsellor as he is desperate to cling on to the marriage. I have been going with him, but have made it clear in these sessions that we must separate for a while, if there is to be any hope of a future together (there may not be, I don't know.)

He asked at work if there was any available accommodation (there is some staff accommodation there), but was told no. Or so he says. I have looked for short term flat rents - very depressing - and there is nothing under £500 per month, with at least a month's deposit and a month in advance. So £1000 before he's even stepped over the door -and most are unfurnished.

We haven't really got that sort of money. He has a small amount in savings, and so do I - but this would pretty much eat up a large proportion of it.

Don't know what to do. Really want him to go, but how the hell do people afford it? Nearest relative he could stay with (MIL) is a 50 minute drive away.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 15/10/2011 18:09

Sorry but if you want a seperation he has to have a decent home of his own and therefore you will have to use your savings. Why should he have to live with a relative when you get the house that is furnished to yourself?

He is entitled to somewhere decent to live, to a home in effect that affords him the basics like a TV, bed, sofa.

FabbyChic · 15/10/2011 18:10

Remember if you divorce he gets half of everything as do you, that includes savings, that includes equity in the house, as an automatic right the woman does not get to keep the marital home.

Original poster

minxthemanx · 15/10/2011 18:39

Thanks Fabby, yes I'm aware that if we divorced everything goes 50/50. I want him to stay somewhere decent and comfortable, which is what I mean by 'depressing' when I looked at these short term let flats. I will help him financially as much as I can, - we have been under enormous strain this year with DS1's critical illness, and the problems are still going on. This has put massive strain on an already rocky marriage. We need some breathing space, and some time apart so things are calm for the DC, while we decide what the way forward is.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 15/10/2011 18:57

He will need if to be suitable for the dc to stay too, far too many men end up in Bedford with nowhere for the children to stay

ladyintheradiator · 15/10/2011 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whojimmyflip · 15/10/2011 19:12

I think remember your previous threads.

He has options which he must Use. Of course he doesn't want to but to change the status quo you must be strong and firm.

You're not happy, you need change. You have to go through the shit to get to a better place and he's a grown man- he can work out how to live alone surely?

Original poster

minxthemanx · 15/10/2011 19:56

Well he hasn't done anything about finding somewhere because he is frightened that if he goes, he will never be able to come back. Tho I have said in counselling sessions that I would have far more respect for him if he gave us (the children as well) this breathing space, than if he digs his heels in and refuses - which means I have little option other than moving out with the DC, or filing for divorce. It's a simple question of him, for once in his life, respecting my feelings.

Have found a house share in a very nice house - far nicer than ours - a couple of miles away. Bit cheaper than renting and a much, much nicer place. Have asked for more details.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/10/2011 20:26

Is it an option that once per week and alternate weekend you sleep in the houseshare/flat and he comes to the marital home to look after the dc?

If he can find a nice houseshare then perhaps it would be reasonable to put a time frame of 9 months there and if he isn't moving back in at all/or at that time then the savings are used to rent a decent flat???

kunahero · 15/10/2011 20:30

ilovetiffany, last time I was in Bedford there were plenty of places for children to stay!

GypsyMoth · 15/10/2011 23:29

Bed and breakfast lol, autocorrect!

GypsyMoth · 15/10/2011 23:30

Houseshare? Are you sure you would be comfortable with the dc going there amongst strangers? Staying over etc?

Original poster

minxthemanx · 16/10/2011 10:24

It's not a B&B - sorry, I didn't word it very well - it's a new, expensive development, and we have friends who live round the corner - i know the place well. It's a big, quite luxurious house owned by a guy who's a pilot, so not there a lot, and wants a lodger.

Of course I don't want DH or the DC to go anywhere grotty. I'm not a cow. Just a very sad, exhausted wife who has had her needs ignored for years, and has finally had enough. I have enough to deal with, with DS1's medical and emotional needs, and little ol DS2, who hardly gets a look in, and I want some breathing space from DH while we decide if there is a future.

Sorry if I've come across as some hard nosed bitch who wants to throw her husband out - not the case. Like I said, there's a very long back story here.

OP posts:

whojimmyflip · 16/10/2011 11:39

So he's still not listening to what you are saying you need. Again, you have to be resolute - the shared option sounds perfect.
Why shouldn't he have to go out of his comfort zone for once? You know the right thing is for him to get out so dont take no for an answer.
Good luck- I think you are doing really well on this

Original poster

minxthemanx · 16/10/2011 11:45

Thanks whojimmy, I don't feel I'm doing very well! Told him in July that I wanted a separation, and here we still are. Counselling again on Tuesday, so I will present him with the house share option in front of the counsellor. The stupid thing is that it will actually do us ALL good to have this breathing space - it's been an unbelievably crap year, and our household has had more than enough stress. We ALL need a few months of calm. It would do him the world of good to have his own space, whilst still seeing the DC a lot. But can I get through to him?

Am tempted to just hand him £500 and say "there you go! That's the first month sorted!"

OP posts:

whojimmyflip · 16/10/2011 12:05

I can imagine that must be very tempting but you shouldn't have to do that. I hope presenting it in front of the counsellor will help him see sense and that you mean business.

It feels like forever but hopefully won't be long and probably better done in a not rushed way ( though much longer is taking it to an extreme)

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