Think Sister's partner is abusive - no one will listen

[ThinkAdopted]

I have namechanged for this, but i am in a weird situation. My sister is ill, has mental health problems, is still rational and honest but can also be very passive especially where our parents are involved.

Her partner is very supported by my mum, but he is jobless, can't read well and has a history of violence with a previous partner. Recently I have found out that when my sister was talking about suicide and wanting to die, he put a plastic bag over her head and sprayed lighter fuel into the bag.

He has been arrested for this. My mum is supporting him. My mum also supports his manipulation of her - eg makes her tell him when she is going to come round again when she is making noises that she doesn't want to, and then offers a lift eg 'x wants you to come around on Sat, its not fair of you to not answer him, I will pick you up at 10 and take you over' its awful but no matter what I say, no matter how much I explain or try to stop it, it keeps happening.

Her partner seems quite nice when you meet him, but if I put his behaviour into other relationships (eg imagine my friends husbands behaving like he does) it makes me feel sick, but I feel utterly powerless to do anything.

I am supporting my sister as she makes her complaint, but after a brief bit of honesty, she has now clammed shut 'officially' and says she doesn't want to make a complaint. He will easily get off if he plays the 'she's mental' card.

I just don't know what to do. My name change is sort of black humour. None of these people seem to share any of my values, nor can they see how fucking awful the situation is - its so weird. My parents always seems to side outside the family and never support their children - even my dad supported my sister's husband when he tried to take her house and children away leaving her nothing.

I really wish I knew where to start - I know that if I was in some families her partner would have had his legs broken and forced to stay away sometimes I wish I didn't have faith in agencies and did take action like that - I wounldn't feel wrong.

I don't think any excuse is OK for my poor sister with her head in a bag of lighter fluid, but am I being too defensive?

Thats is disgraceful and chance your parents have poor mental health problems??

I just can't comprehend thier attitude, have you spoken to her boyf???

That's awful!

Any chance you could make a statement to police yourself? I don't know how these things work, but fuck, he shouldn't be let anywhere near her - or any vulnerable person!

Is your sister living with your mum or her bloke at the moment? I think if you possibly can, you should ask her to come and stay with you, and field calls, run interference between both your mother and him. If it's not possible even for a short time, perhaps encourage her to go into a refuge.

I cannot understand your mother at all .

Thanks would like to run interference but my flat just isn't a place I can have her and because she can be suicidal I would be very worried aboit leaving her alone. She stays in a sheltered home but my mum makes her stay with her' boyfriend' in a flat that is owned by my mums husband and is walking distance from my mums house...my feeling iys thst my mum likes her in this state...it urhot like she o is still her child but she is 40. Re filtering contact it sounds good but my mum has phone contact and is the sort of person whi will drive over against her wishes...

Would your sister class as a 'vulnerable adult' then? Perhaps you could involve social services? Seems to me that your mum is enabling/colluding in her abuse by a violent man and is unfit to be in any sort of caring role for her.

Involve all the professionals you can.
If the people who are supposed to be looking after are not then you do have a duty to get the help she and you need.

I am really glad she's got you. This must be ever so hard on you :(

He sounds absolutely terrifying and I can imagine it's difficult to comprehend that your parents help him to abuse her. The fact that she has sheltered accommodation says she might be in the care/support system already. I agree with mamas12 about involving as many professionals as possible. Don't try to second-guess what they will do, or worry about anybody's opinion - the professionals' or your family's.

I do hope you manage to get her into a safe situation.

I have manifested the symptoms of mh bipolar, but am looking through my mh medical records covering 3 inpatient admissions plus years of follow up, and really I think they show emotional and financial abuse by my husband. Of course, everyone (nearly) thinks he is the sane one.

Am just wondering if sister would apply for mh records? Even if the professionals got the wrong end of the stick, it is interesting to read what people who are not involved with you say about you instead of hearing from husband how your behaviour was awful.

Could you talk to Social Services about that (and the whole situation)? I'm afraid I don't know the first thing about how they work or how to access the right people. I'm sure other Mumsnetters know.

If she could be encouraged to talk to whoever she sees about her wellbeing (CPN?) in more detail, that might help too. Mental Health services have got me away from my mother twice - I'm a slow learner! - but only after they'd met her. They obviously put 2+2 together, as I hadn't linked my mental state with her ministrations.

It certainly seems like a vulnerable adult situation, but your sister will need to disclose what she really feels to her CPN or whatever, it is then the professional's job to report this back up as an abuse issue. They are (or at least were when I worked under POVA rules) obliged to do this, even if the client doesn't want them to and has just let something slip out in a moment of distress.

Having said this, I have known POVA issues treated in this way made worse by the very actions supposed to protect the v.a.