In-laws making my life a misery.

[MrsRigby]

Here we go again, yet another thread about the same thing.

I just can't get past what was said, I am so angry and hurt. I've cried every day since I last saw them and live in fear of the next time I see them, which will probably be Sunday or next weekend.

The thing is, I don't really think this is the problem anymore, I think the problem is DH and the fact that he is not giving me any support. I am so angry at him for not supporting me and that has lead to resentment and lack of trust. I don't want to be with a man who lets his parents verbally abuse me and then when I try to explain why I feel the way I feel, have him trivialise what I'm feeling.

Things are so bad, that it looks like we are heading for divorce. We don't speak, txt or email during the day. In the evenings he has started going out for a walk and then we either sit quiet in the same room, or as in the case of tonight, sit in different rooms. He goes to bed at 10pm and I stay up past midnight.

I get the impression that sooner or later, there will be another fall out with the in-laws, that once again he will let them attack me and that together they will push me out of the family whilst trying to take my children.

Of course, this sounds really paranoid, I know it does, but it really does worry me that thats what is going on.

It feels like they want to try and make a case that I'm mentally unstable and unfit to care for my own children. Why else would they keep telling me I need help, everytime I see them, why would the mother-in-law ask me if I am seeing a doctor.

I don't know what I'm expecting to gain out of yet another thread, after searching the internet and trying to speak to a colleague, it seems I'm on my own. It feels like no one cares about how I'm feeling. I just don't know what to do.

DH say's he doesn't want to divorce, but he is not really making much effort to stop it going down that route and neither am I. He has suggested councelling, but I don't want this.

And so here I sit, alone and crying, safe in the knowledge that I'm probably going to get divorced and lose my children to my husband and his parents.

What do your friends think? Try asking some of them to listen over a , then ask for honest feedback. Then listen to them, they know you best.

I have read various threads of yours and I think you should go to your Dr and tell them about this and then get some form of therapy.

I know you keep saying you don't need help. But you do. Otherwise you'd not be posting on here with the same issues which are getting worse.

I am NOT saying you have MH issues (but so what if you do) but you will have if this continues.

You need a therapist to off load this to. A neutral who will give you new ways of looking/tackling this. So you get some control back into your life. You might not like what they say but a good therapist could really help you.

I don't know if you will do this or take any of some the excellent advise/support that people have given you in previous threads. Some people cannot move out of quick sand of their lives. Maybe too scared, maybe no strength to fight. But I hope for the sake of your kids you decide to start being pro-active in this and not be the victim.

I think it would be helpful for you to get your DH to spell out exactly why he wants to attend couples counselling. He obviously sees that there is an issue here (which is good - at least he isn't burying his head in the sand and he wants to try to tackle the problem) but as far as I can tell from your thread he hasn't actually said what the problem is (clearly you aren't getting along well at the moment, but that is a symptom rather than a cause iyswim). He might not be able to pinpoint the actual problem, but I think he should explain his thought process to you so that you know why he thinks it's a good idea. I don't think it's a good idea to arrive at a counselling session without knowing why the other party wants to attend.

Forget about the ILs for the time being - as you say, they are a side issue - work on your relationship with your DH. Why not be the first to break the silence that seems to have developed between you and spend some time over the weekend discussing things with him.

Good luck

MrsR, as in all your posts, in all your threads, you sound as rational as the next Mner...

there isn't a Crazy Test that you lick a stick and it comes up do-lally coloured If you are coping in life OK, getting stuff done, feeling happy about everything in life then you are OK.

If the only strife in your life is the ILs trying to tell you what you are thinking and your H standing by and letting them, this is not proof you are crazy. this is justification for being absolutely rightfully LIVID with them all!

I think you are coming to the same realisation as I am when I read your threads. It's not just the ILs that you have a problem with. In fact the biggest problem you have is with your DH.

Let all this crazy shit wash over you, ignore them all and tune them out. Focus on your lovely DC, get on with your routine and bugger the lot of em.

Can you talk to your HV or someone for some RL hand holding and support?

MrsR, it's never quite clear what you want from your threads. In this one you say that things have got horrendous between you and your husband. The fact that he is suggesting counselling ( I assume he means relationship counselling) suggests that he wants to save the marriage. Most men would only go to relationship counselling as a last resort, I reckon, they don't usually like talking about their feelings. You on the other hand say you just want someone to listen to you. To me, it's a no brainer.

Not sure why you don't want to go down the relationship counselling route. Do you not want to bother because you dont love your husband and can't see the point? Sometimes relationship counsellors can help couples get back to where they once were, even when things have gone as far as they have in your relationship. A counsellor could listen to both of you and mediate for YOU. They can show your husband where his attitude and behaviour is going wrong and causing you so much upset. How can you NOT want this? I really, REALLY don't understand.

[hgrin] do'lally coloured [hgrin]

If only there was such a test HS - I reckon we'd all end up with do-lally coloured sticks except for a few non-empathetic po-faced individuals whose sticks are invariably black & white.

You've said you've searched the net and that you 'tried to speak to a colleague' OP?.

What topics did you search and how did your colleague respond?

FTR, in common with others here, I care about how you're feeling but as I haven't read your previous threads I'm hoping that you can provide brief examples of the problems you are having with ILs and your OH.

Just with regard to your MIL asking about you seeing a doctor - next time she does say 'well of course I've seen hundreds of doctors this week. I work in a hospital'. And see what she says to that.

And if she asks again, just say 'no. Why, have you seen a doctor this week?'. And see what she says. If she tells you what she thinks you should be seeing a doc for (sorry if I've missed it in the thread) then ask her 'no. Why, have you seen a doctor for xyz?'.

Don't rise to her bait. Instead every time she asks you a question you think is inappropriate just turn it around and ask her (in a very nice way to make it obvious that her jibes are firing over your head) if she has done whatever she is asking you.

Once you have got good at doing that you can start by asking her nice questions. Like have you seen a psychiatrist yet? [passive aggressive mean smiley]

And if she criticises your parenting just tell her that she is providing you with a perfect example of what to do as a parent - just do the opposite of what she is doing...

I know people on here slate people that use passive aggressive tactics in arguments or conflicts. But sometimes if you are feeling vulnerable or bullied then they can be a good starting point for gathering up your feelings and starting to stand up for yourself.