NEED HELP - I'm on the edge and scared

[Rosmarin]

I don't have anyone else to turn to tonight. Isolated in new country, don't speak language fluently. Communication limited to bad internet connection. Posted a couple of days ago and things have got worse.

I don't know what to do to make myself okay anymore.

My relationship is falling apart.
I have no friends to turn to.

I just am not enjoying life and thinking of the future fills me with fear and worry about more of this - more pain, isolation, depression, failing. I feel like I'm on the edge of a big, horrible black hole. I don't want to face this. I don't know what it's going to make me do.

I just don't know what to do anymore or where to turn.

Surely life isn't continually like this for everyone.

Hey there, things will get better but you have to make them get better. If you hate where you are and your relationship is failing can you get to your home country where you will have family and support?

Life doesn't have to be how you are describing, please tell us why you feel so bad and we might be able to help. Hang on in there, it can be better and I'm sure you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

Do you have a family doctor there ? If you go to see them, I'm sure they'll be able to find a support service in english and maybe talk about you having some antidepressants to get you through.

Could you go back to be with family for at least a while ?

I don't think I can leave - my year abroad contract binds me to my job here. Even if I did go back - my only real 'contact' is my Dad. I have really no close friends except boyfriend. All other family alienated or passed away.

I'm feeling bad because life is so damn hard, and as far as I can remember it always has been and I feel hopeless about the future. It;s not even a hopelessness - more a huge fear that this really is all that my life will be. Massive downs and very few ups. I don't finding things so difficult is normal and I wonder if I'm so unable to cope/messed up because of experiences I had as a child and teenager.

Right here, right now, I feel terrified and hopeless. I haven't had a chance to register with a doctor and iyswim, getting to the doctor means making it through the night.

God, I actually feel like there's nothing to look forward to.

I used to cherish thoughts of little ones and a big family. Now I earnestly feel like I'm so flawed that that will just create this same situation for my own kids. Depression, no coping skills, low self-esteem, fear and anxiety, social problems.

All the nice things in life lose their prestige when you have no human relationships that bring you enjoyment.

rosmarin there are things to look forward to, it might take some time and help, but there are, please remember that.

Rosmarin,

I wish we could all be there to give you a big supporting hug.

I know these times can be really bleak but there are always good things to focus on. Its just really hard to see them for the darkness. You have a job, you have your health, you are living in a new 'interesting' country (could be worse you could be here in Hull!) You have lots of v friends here all wishing you the best and wanting you to get through this a stronger, better person.

sending big hugs across the sea to wherever you are.
xx

Your contract will not bind you if being there is making you ill - theres always an exceptional circumstances clause. The HR department where you are working should be able to find you a Dr

There are things to look forward to, its just with the dark cloud of depression surrounding you you can't see it. You sound like you really, urgently, need some help.

You can talk to the Samaritans by email - [email protected] they are always there to listen, whenever and wherever.

My boyfriend is not replying to my messages.

I'm exhausted, now, by fighting so hard for so long just to be 'okay'.
The fear is real: it might just not get much better than this.

Fear is not always real, you just have to be ready to face it. Which you can be if you find someone to help you. Samaritans is a good starting point. You can feel better, lots of people hit an all time low but come back from it.

You need to let all your feelings out, everything that is bothering you. Please give that a chance.

How can you pick yourself up and dust yourself off when no part of you is uncomplicated/unflawed - when each bit seems to need so much help and work?
I don't think I can even find English-speaking counselling here - I'm in a small town.

I'm exhausted now. I'm worn out. I feel so, so old sometimes. Too many years of these dark clouds and I'm only 21.

You make tiny goals and deal with each of those as it comes, leaving all the other stuff for the future. If any of use tries to make everything right at once its overwhelming.

It sounds like you've had a lot in your life to deal with

You're far from home and feeling isolated and this can magnify negative thoughts, but you can turn this to your advantage and use it as a character building exercise.

On your previous post you were given lots of good suggestions for making new friends while you're out of the UK and, as you are removed from all of the former reminders of why you feel bad about yourself, you've got a blank canvas to work with.

Get a notebook and pen and start writing out your concerns by hand. List the the negative and the postive experiences you've had in your life.

Write down where you think you may have gone wrong in the past, and what you can do to make sure that the same situations don't keep recurring.

Think abut what you want for the future and how you can go about achieving your goals.

If you feel that thoughts of the past are threatening to overwhelm you, turn your thoughts to mundane matters in the here and now - what are you going to wear tomorrow, what will you have for breakfast, etc.

Surely life isn't continually like this for everyone

For some people it is, but others have reached an acccomodation with the past and know that it does not have the power to negatively affect the present or the future unless we allow it to.

All the nice things in life lose their prestige when you have no human relationships that bring you enjoyment

Please don't fall into the trap of believing that we can only be defined by our relationships with others as the most important person in the world that you can have a relationship with that brings you enjoyment is yourself.

Get to know yourself; see yourself through your 'real' eyes - not those that are affected by others' opinions of you, or those that see you as 'less than'.

Be kind to yourself on every level; don't allow yourself to dwell on anything that makes you feel unhappy or insecure and if you feel yourself wavering, immerse yourself in a book or a film.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I'm not surprised you're feeling so low. You said it yourself, you're living somewhere where you know no one, you speak very little of the language and you feel isolated. These are all things that would make any of us feel low. Most of us thrive on being surrounded by family, friends, communities who are familiar with us, colleagues we've built relationships with etc. It takes time to feel settled and comfortable in our new surroundings, not to mention a lot of emotional strength to deal with difficulties in our relationships. You're clearly struggling but please go easy on yourself and know that life comes with lots of difficulties, but we can all come through it with the right support and self nurturing. Can I suggest you accept that things are difficult, but things never stay the same, that's not the way life goes. You sound like such a lovely person, someone who needs to be around nurture. Sometimes it's there in the form of family or friends (please don't feel too obliged to your employment commitments - go home if you need to - jobs are all over the world and if you got one abroad I would suggest you're just as capable of having one wherever you go). If you're committed to stay, then be kind to yourself, allow yourself some painful feelings and look at what the locality has to offer you. I don't know you, but I know you're a human being, with lots of offer (most of us do), you sound like a person who is vulnerable and has insight. I feel like I'd want to be your friend (a few folk on here have said as much). It takes time to settle (sometimes years). Please carry on chatting to us. We're here for you, even if it's just a few words on a page. I'm a full time working mum, I have one child. I've lived in a major city since my DS was in my tummy and since, I knew no one, it's taken nearly 9 years but I'm now happier now than I've been in years (it's been a gradual process). I'm happy to know you. Please come back on and have a good moan.

Hi Rosmarin,

I could relate to your post and wanted to reach out to you as I know first-hand how hopeless and bleak life can feel sometimes but I also know that perspectives do change. As other posters have said, it does take time but tiny little steps can feel like massive milestones when you're coming from such a dark place.Many of us have felt that way for a long time and some of us still occasionally battle with these feelings of low self-worth, loneliness and despair. There isn't a single formula to deal with it but please hang in there and as bucketbetty said, allow yourself to feel awful..it is not your fault but you are the only one who can make small changes within yourself to help you out of this hole. It is very hard to make friends in a new place where you don't know the language but there are always people who speak English or would like to chat with a native to improve their English. I don't want to oversimplify things or pretend it's just about 'picking yourself up' because I know it's way deeper than that but try not to be too hard on yourself. You sound like you've got a lot to give but you're not in a good situation and what come to the fore are bad thoughts and negative feelings.

Please start believing in yourself and treating yourself with kindness as you would like to be treated...gradually, you might start discovering good things in life that you'll get pleasure from.

Please let us know how you are and don't be afraid to share your thoughts, however dark they might be. xxx

Hi OP, how you doing today? I'm off out tonight but will check later - I hope you're feeling better today.