the magincally disappearing condom box

[CookieMonstersCousin]

So, how would you react if the old box of condoms that normally lives at the bottom of your Dh/Dp's sock drawer suddenly disappears and your DP/DH has just gone away for a 2 week work trip to where you guys used to live. And how would you react when over the past couple of months you felt that something wasn't quite right but couldn't put your finger on it (ie DP/DH becoming very ameniable and cooperative) and when you examind the condom box for evidence, felt that the numbers were dwindling but just couldn't be sure, cause you forgot how many had been in there previously so tried to be positive and not think about him having an affair.

How would you challenge DP/DH? And is it even fair or be thinking along these lines or is pre-empting a silly and plausible explaination (like DP/DH just HAD to tidy up the condoms but sod the rest of the drawer??)

Any thoughts, or opinions would be greatly appreciated as I have made this discovery tonight and don't want to have a complete meltdown before weighing any opinions and options.

Also, I will try to respond to any questions but my DD is ill at the moment and so is up and down like a yoyo, so Imay not be able to respond as quick as I'd like. !!!

many thanks

Surely he wouldn't take condoms from home, if he was up to no good he'd buy some while he was away. He's either packed the sock thinking it's a pair, chucked them out thinking they're not going to get used or he likes a posh wank.

For me, it's not the disappearing box; it's the fact that the sock it was in has vanished too that makes me encourage you go with your instincts. If he's not actually up to something with another woman, taking a box of condoms away with him suggests that he's definitely up for something.

Does he unpack his suitcase when he come back from a trip or do you do it for him?

I'd wait until the empty case has been put away and check it to see if it contains any forgotten items and also look to see if sock and condoms reappear in his drawer - either in the same place or in another drawer/wardrobe etc - before giving any consideration to confronting him.

Needless to say, if the box reappears make sure you count the contents before it disappears again.

Patience is a virtue and, because I've learned it the hard way, if I were you, I'd play the long game and I'd be taking full advantage of his amenableness to secure for myself whatever material goodies I'd set my heart on while engaging in an all-out offensive of surreptitious snooping.

His phone's a start - maybe yours will develop a glitch and you urgently need to use his on occasion? Any way you can access his email accounts or check his computer history to see what sites he's visited recently?

Are you around to sneakily watch his fingers on the keyboard when he logs on and logs in to emails? If you've got a laptop with an in-built webcam perhaps you can leave it switched on near where he tinkles with his computer?

There are a number of computer/phone buffs on these boards - they may be able to help you see what he may have got locked down, so ask away.

Subtlety coupled with deviousness should encourage the truth to emerge sooner rather than later and it's far less wearing than going into one.

Has he always guarded his email and log-in details religiously and changed them frequently? How do you know this? It sounds as if you've been suspicious and snooping for a very long time, actually, between the phone thing and all the other stuff you've said. Have you, in fact, been suspecting him of serial infidelity for most of the relationship?

Cookie, only skimmed the thread(read properly later) but that is exactly how I discovered my DH's affair. Something(?) led me to his bedside drawer where I discovered a box of condoms and I have had the Mirena coil inserted for years.Confronted him as soon as the kids were in bed and it all came out.
Good luck. (back later)

i would turn up at the airport before he leaves and see if he's alone,say you came to wave him off, or if he's gone turn up to meet him on his arrival, he can't lie then.

You would be surprised at how stupid some men can be when it comes to covering their tracks - they do get careless esp when they think they have been getting away with it for a while.

My advice is to listen to your instincts - you know something is going on and that you are not being silly or paranoid.

I would do some snooping around - is there a way of calling his work to check on his travel plans? Check for receipts, phone bills etc.

he's cheating, or at the very least, planning to.

I would advise you to confront him, face to face, as soon as you can.

Once I've got over the at keeping condoms in a box, in a sock, in a drawer (are they radioactive??!) ... I'm afraid I think what you think, but don't want to think, OP.

Snooping makes you feel like shit. But so does living in a marriage that doesn't feel right. After reading these threads for a long time, I realise my mistakes as a cheated wife were: [1] Not really wanting to believe it, so not being cold-hearted and ruthless enough with my snooping, and [2] Trying to be too clever. As a result, I caught them quite adequately but was on shaky ground emotionally, so was easily bamboozled.

If you can get yourself into the mindset where you're confident you are being wronged, then proceed methodically as others have suggested, you should end up with a definite answer one way or another. I have to say your instincts are probably right, though. It's rotten. I feel for you.

Really sorry to say that I'm another one who knows that feeling you are having and ignored obvious signs as cheating was just not part of my world and it really didn't occur to me that my H would ever do it.

It's the most terrible feeling and from the feelings you describe and in particular his secrecy with his passwords, I think you have good reason to be concerned.

You can now choose to turn a blind eye or be very careful and as someone else mentioned, play the long game. If you confront him without hard proof, he will deny. Even if you have proof he will deny and get aggressive (well in a lot of cases this is a cheaters response). Wait until you know what you want to do and have the practicalities sorted out before you confront him.

Hoping that I'm wrong and that you are the exception.

It's fine to have a confrontation with someone that you know will respond honestly but if you're dealing with a underhand shite who will lie and deny until it suits them to come clean, it's going to be a headfuck and you may be condeming yourself to months of suspicion, paranoia, fretting, agonising, and arguments that may spill over and adversely affect the dc.

If you confront him and he denies, calmly get on with your life (while deviously unearthing the truth) until such time as you have proof positive to confront him one final time prior to booting him out of your home.

If the besocked condom box reappears, make sure they haven't got a different expiry date.

Oh God, sorry OP, it all looks a bit dodgy.

I once found a (sealed) condom in our washing machine. XH maintained one of the dc's (tiny at the time) must have put it in there, but it never convinced me, and the affair came out about a year later. There were lots of little signs -an aversion to wearing his wedding ring, some very secretive phone behaviour and lots of urgent work trips away.

I always knew who it was going to be too. I had an instinct about her from the start.

I think a bigger issue here than the box of condoms is your lack of trust in your husband, as demonstrated by your keeping an eye on the box and thinking about how you can get into his phone and emails. Whether he is innocent or not, you simply don't, won't or can't trust him and that is not a healthy relationship to be in. Whatever the truth of the matter is, that lack of trust is something you need to address.

World the OP's instincts led her to check on the condoms. It is the missing condoms which has led her to question whether she can trust him, NOT the other way around.

Time and time again, posts on here show that instincts should be trusted.

I agree; play the long game.

I have done alot of research on this recently, for myself, although I did question, and it has been a mistake.

The going view seems to be that patience is a virtue; say nothing of your suspicions, and just wait and see.

Poor you.