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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband wants to leave me; advice needed

52 replies

forsooth · 12/10/2011 15:18

DH announced he wants to live separately. None else involved, but we row like crazy and he can't bear it anymore. We have one DD age 7. He wants 50 50 childcare and a 50 50 split of the savings/sale of house. No divorce yet; just a split of assets and live separately. But...at the mo he doesn't do 50% of the childcare, does about 20%. I don't want him to have our DD 50% of the time. And even if time-wise he had her 50% of the time I would still end up doing more than him as he doesn't get involved with the school, doesn't take her to the hospital appts(she has ongoing health issues)And I came to the marriage with four times what he has in terms of savings/assets, so 50 50 doesn't seem fair. We've been married 6 years. My health has also declined rapidly in that time so my earning potential is far lower than his and far lower than it was when I met him, so I would never be able to build up the assets I had when I met him again. If we split 50 50 now I end up with far less than I had when I met him. I thought of suggesting we go thirds, a third to him, a third to me and a third in an account to use for DD or to use if either of us are in dire straits. I imagine that'll be me as I will be looking after DD mostly so won't be able to work as much as him, I'll also be ill off an on with my ongoing condition so will not be able to work as much as him. I'm scared of the future though I'm looking froward to having him out of the way. He drives me mad.
Any suggestions as to how to split assets and childcare?

OP posts:

NettleTea · 12/10/2011 19:42

or he is being mercenary and is after the money. My friend was not married to the father of her 2 kids, but they had been together for many years, and she had put much more into the equity of their house. They did do 50/50 split with childcare, but he made her buy him out of their home. She didnt want to make things bad for the kids, so went along with most everything he suggested to keep it nice and amenable, but he financially shafted her tbh. All his money is gone now and he is constantly trying to get more out of her. And things didnt stay nice once he had got the money. He was bloody vile, and yet he would never have seemed as if that was the way he would go when they were together. Splitting often seems to bring out the worst in people, whatever the initial intentions, so in some ways it is best to get someone else to do the dirty work according to 'what the law says' rather than negotiate the minefield of it all on your own.

Xales · 12/10/2011 19:44

However you separate you need to make sure it is done officially and legally. Divorce may be the best option for this.

You don't want to split assets 50/50 have him run up debts and find out you are liable as his wife still for them.

If he doesn't deal with school/hospital you need more than 50/50 to start as your earning potential is going to be affected by being the parent that deals with school and any hospital appointments/surgery/recovery etc.

Also if you have proof that you brought in 4 times the assets you may get more back.

He seems to be wanting to look to have 50/50 shared time without doing a real 50/50 split and to take half of your pre marriage money/assets as a bonus also!

Make sure you get solid advice. It may seem an expensive option but losing a share of your assets could add up to a lot more for you and your DDs future.

NettleTea · 12/10/2011 19:47

and of course 50/50 means he wont have to pay any child maintainance

Original poster

forsooth · 12/10/2011 19:50

I feel sick. He wants it sorted out quickly so he can move out, but it's more complicated that he imagines. How about my third third third option just so he moves out as living together while this goes on is horrific. The once he's in a flat we go for divorce. At least then we don't have to sit together of an evening while we're divorcing!

OP posts:

NettleTea · 12/10/2011 19:56

If you want to hold off on splitting things how about you step back from selling the house - its not a good time anyway, that way the 'big' asset is still intact to be discussed later. You can take over the mortgage and running the house you are in, he can rent in the short term, and you can keep some kind of track of how he is stepping up to the 50/50 to take forward if it does come to divorce. But of course making sure 50/50 is full day's, so that would need to be him dealing with schools and any appointments which come up on his days - not just pinching all the wekends to have fun and leaving you with the hard work. The friend above does a weekend each, and alternating 2 days/3 days in the week. He ex has to work around school run, kids parties which crop up in 'his' time, kids off sick, hospital appointments, etc. Thats what 50/50 means. I think you need him to actually experience the realities of 50/50 before you make any kind of negotiations about splitting assets. Get all joint finances seperated, your name off any joint cards, etc. If it turns out that he cannot manage 50/50 then best you know that before it comes to working out who gets what, and in all probability you will be allowed to stay in the home til your daughter leaves school, with your original input taken into account before there is any talk of you 'buying him out' or selling. If your child is going to need lifelong care then that will also impact on the house, and the contribution he will be expected to pay.

Original poster

forsooth · 12/10/2011 20:03

If we hold off selling the house; which we are thinking of doing so there's less upheaval for DD then we still have the savings to split. I may say let's take a third each , put a third in a joint account for DD stuff; I take over mortgage; he rents, we hold off to see how it's all panning out before deciding the "Official" split of assets.
I am going to ask for 70/30 childcare I think. I don't want 50 50 as at present it's about 90/ 10 and I don't want to lose put on all my time with DD!

OP posts:

Original poster

forsooth · 12/10/2011 20:04

I will meanwhile try to find all paperwork I need and talk to another lawyer. Just feel to get us living separately ASAP will help calm things down.

OP posts:

Original poster

forsooth · 12/10/2011 20:06

I LOVE Mumsnet....

OP posts:

Original poster

forsooth · 12/10/2011 20:06

The secondcomin I may PM you on that..

OP posts:

NettleTea · 12/10/2011 20:13

Personally I would hold off splitting ANYTHING, maybe each take a 'slush fund' from the joint savings to tide you over a set amount of time, and then get the account put on hold so that no withdrawals can be made, if thats possible.
Dont forget if he is NOT doing 50/50 then he will need to contribute a percentage of his wages for child maintainance. Sounds like he is trying to rush you into letting him take half, but as you have pointed out, its far from as simple as that. In the meantime I might be tempted to speak to the banks or he may well take half the savings or more before you can stop him. You need some kind of marker to show that seperation is happening from now, so that if he suddenly starts buying himself expensive stuff, that it is taken from the assets. And get bank statements now to show what was there. He really sounds like he is wanting the money and will try to bully you into doing 'what is fair' Get some advice, really do, or he will spend all his money up the wall and then come crawling back once the party is over, that would be my fear.

swallowedAfly · 12/10/2011 20:16

if he wants to leave he should just leave - not say i'll leave when you've given me half the money.

this is pressure and haste where it shouldn't be.

just record when you split and what was in which accounts etc when you split and get him (he's the one who wants out) to file for divorce. i'm afraid it sounds like he knows he doesn't stand a chance of what he is asking for if it goes down official channels.

for now surely you can work out how much money gets paid in each months and what the expenses of mortgage and house running costs are plus the cost of a flat he gets and split the rest 50/50 each month until the divorce comes through? why the rush?

Xales · 12/10/2011 20:17

also make sure that no one (him) can get loans or extra money against your house.

swallowedAfly · 12/10/2011 20:19

the more i think of it the more he's trying to get a set of conditions set up now so that they will seem the norm when this goes official. at present he wouldn't get 50/50 contact as he isn't doing anywhere near 50% of the childcare, you'd be the main carer and entitled to maintenance from him.

however if he gets you to agree to this 50/50 business and splitting assets etc and THEN goes for divorce he'll get just what he wants because it will be seen as the norm and maintaining the status quo.

don't do this. hold fire, let him move out and file for divorce, tell him he can have dd every other weekend and one night in the week when he has suitable accommodation. beware i think.

youllbewaiting · 12/10/2011 20:31

Or he just wants to see his daughter 50% of the time after separation.

swallowedAfly · 12/10/2011 20:48

hmm you'd have thought he'd have done that all this time he's been living with her if he was so keen....

Original poster

forsooth · 12/10/2011 20:55

I think he has something big he wants to buy so wants a chunk of money....god this isn't gonna be easy. how depressing.

OP posts:

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 20:57

what is it he wants to buy ?

a big motorbike, by any chance ?

< twat >

GypsyMoth · 12/10/2011 21:02

Never mind what YOU want.... What is best for your DD?

KristinaM · 12/10/2011 21:05

Perhaps he wants to buy a house with his mistress

I bet you a fiver that there is another woman invloved.

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 21:27

I think that too

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 21:28

there is OW pulling the strings here...hence his almighty rush

OP, slow things riiiiight down by not dancing to his tune...watch him turn nasty and the truth will out, you will see

KristinaM · 13/10/2011 08:49

I agree with those who say he is tryimg to get a 50% share of teh assets by saying he will have dd50% of the time. Once he has the money there will be " circumstances" that mean he cant have your DD. He will move away so its too far to tKe her to school. So he ll just have her at weekwneds. Then he ll say its nt fair that he has no weekends off and it will be every second weekend. Etc etc. He will say he needs to move with nis job or he will meet soemone ( surpirse suprise) and he will move in with her. And she will have no space for dd . Etc etc

If he really wanted to do 50% of teh childcare hes had the last 7 years to do it. This sudden burst of paternal feelings is to do with ££££. Call me a cynic......

KristinaM · 13/10/2011 08:55

Tiffany -i woupd guess thats whats best for the Ops DD is that she lives with both her parenst who are happy together. But since this aint a perfect world and is not goimg to happen, they need to work out whats the second best. Its the ops husband who wants toleave and sell up.

There is no.easy simple solution in divorce . Platitudes like " whats best for teh children" dont really help. Most situations are very complicated. Thats why divorce lawyers make so much money

GypsyMoth · 13/10/2011 08:59

Yeah yeah Kristina, I've been there. I have a good idea of the system

I have also been through family courts. and have a VERY good idea of that system! In the absence of welfare issues, he will likely get what he wants

BoffinMum · 13/10/2011 09:04

Slow time down - make him sit tight, be as pleasant as you can but non-committal, hand nothing over you wouldn't hand over normally, suggest he lives locally to reduce the impact on your daughter, and also that you work out an informal arrangement as a kind of cooling off arrangement, and wait until you see whether there's more to this than he has declared. I am suspicious.

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